Metoo, Mentoo and the Mob

I think life, and society, operates on some sort of a pendulum; swinging constantly from one extreme to the other. I think we’re on a swing back to the patriarchy and I dont like it.

It’s taken me a good while to try to compose my thoughts on this because, like everything even a little controversial, I am full of thoughts and opinions and Im going to word-vomit them all here so brace yourself.

This blog post started a week ago as a statement on domestic violence brought on by the Amber Heard vs Johnny Depp trial. It was going to be about men finally being able to have a voice when they face the same victimization as women do and how pleased I am that the sexes are finally equaling out and then I had a conversation with a friend during which I realized he’s one of the most misogynistic people Ive ever spoken to. It took me a day to sit back and process everything he said and what it means for the future of women if his opinions are popularly held and how all of that affects my original view of men finally having a voice.

Like most of my arguments it started with a meme:

Now, for some backstory, the US is in the process of overturning Roe vs Wade. If you dont know what Roe vs Wade is then I’ll give you a brief summary: Basically it’s a 1973 Supreme Court ruling that gave women bodily autonomy and made abortion legal. The US Supreme Court just voted to overturn that ruling and remove those rights from the US constitution.

The US just made abortion illegal.

As a whole country.

In 2022.

And Canada, ever the eager little brother, has already responded by saying they’ll look into it once the Supreme Court here has been filled, which means Canada is considering doing the same.
All of that is bad enough to process but then I spent over an hour being told that women werent as driven as men, that they cant survive without them and that men built the whole world. Apparently women’s only value is looks and they only want men who are successful.
There were no other options. All of that is just plain historical fact. End of story.

As a full grown woman I was a bit taken aback to be told what I wanted and didnt want in a man. That I might survive lost in the woods but a man would do it better and that apparently we wouldnt even have buildings or civilization if it werent for men. That the man who believes Roe (vs Wade) is the reason why men cant work, have families or find mates, is correct. That basically women having opinions and rights is what is ruining modern society.

What really set this friend off was my statement that women no longer need men, we choose them. That’s just the plain truth.
We dont need men. We wont die without one. We can pay our bills etc all by ourselves. We no longer need someone to look after us like we did when we had no other options.

And, lets be clear, historically, there have been hella powerful women. Many equal to, if not more powerful than, men. It really wasnt until the industrial revolution that women became labelled the weaker sex without opinions and value, Basically 300 years ago. Back when black people were also too dumb to run their own lives and needed owners. Prior to that, historically, women were on par with their husbands. Running homesteads, homes, and businesses. And, interestingly, at the same time, in most of Europe, black people were actually people.

What was I saying about a pendulum?

Now I acknowledge fully that the sexes are different. That each has strengths and weaknesses and that they function better as a team. I fully believe that there are more male CEO’s because they gravitate towards those kinds of jobs and women don’t, generally. In the same way there are more female nurses and midwives because they gravitate towards those fields.
But 150 years ago a woman couldn’t be a doctor. She was flat out not allowed to attend that kind of school. And that’s not a historical precedent. Through most of history women have been the healers.


At some point a man decided women werent capable and women just went along with it. My conversation with my friend felt much like how that conversation might have gone way back in the day except there’s nothing on this planet that will convince me women now need men to survive.

Apparently that makes me sound bitter and like a “ho.” So be it. I’ll still be paying all my bills and cleaning my own house and cooking for myself and surviving just dandy until I find man worthy of occupying space in my universe. I will survive just fine, which is good because lord knows my men choices aren’t exactly stellar. If I had to wait for a man to save me or for one to be in my life for my life to be livable I’d surely die.

Going back to what this was originally about because I do think the two are related I do think it’s fantastic that men are learning they have a voice and people will listen.
I dont have any personal experience so can only use famous cases that I know of but it’s very related to whoever told women they were weak and useless without a man. That same idiot told men they’re super strong and had to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and if they faltered on that super strong image they werent real men.
Where does that leave men who are assaulted? Completely without a voice and dealing with that trauma in stoic silence. And that is patently unfair and traumatic and cruel to expect men to have no outlet and no salvation in such situations. These actors who are coming forward now with their stories and being believed and supported literally makes my heart leap for my species. They set the example for normal men to feel like they to have a voice and that they can get help.

I love that men can be people in the same way that women have a voice and opinions. I love, with all of my soul, that men and women can be themselves and feel and express those feelings and exist on a level playing field.
Or at least I thought they could.

I was so excited to think that I am alive while that pendulum is in the middle and we might have actually found equality.
But I dont know if that’s the case anymore. We’re swinging back to women being sequestered and controlled faster than we equaled out.

Men found a voice and used it to silence women again.

And we’re quickly heading into Handmaid’s tale territory. At least in Handmaid’s, Canada was a refuge, it looks like reality might not go the same way. Right at the peak of my elation that carpet got ripped out from under me.

Dammit.

Countenance

So Ive been having thoughts, such as an overthinker tends to do, mostly related to the status of women, the roles they choose and all that jazz. Ive come to realize that my wordpress reader is somehow flooded with “relationships tips for women” and articles such as “what are you doing wrong in bed?” now Im not a snowflake by anyones estimation but what the hell? Im confused as shit as to when it became a woman’s job, and/or problem, to carry an entire relationship. When all the mistakes and problems became hers to fix? When the hell did it become my job to babysit these grown ass man-babies? When did it become my responsibility to ensure he’s happy. What if Im not happy? What then? The whole thing annoys me. It shouldnt but it does. Pair that with women having somehow accepted the need a man/women are the weaker sex thing and my head near explodes.

So my little busy brain has been occupied, needless to say, but that’s not a bad thing. I like to think it keeps me out of trouble…most of the time.

It’s no real mystery why I remain happily single. Sadly.

In other not-news our new supervisor asked me today what it was like in foster care. I told her with the same honesty I bring to anything in my life. My history isnt something Im ashamed of and I think the more people that know the realities of foster care and all the nonsense that entails the more potential there is to change that system. I still want to change it I just have no idea where to even start. Like all of my other plans and projects: if I dont start then I cant fail.

Also been carrying on with my deep dive into addiction and all the consequences of that both physically and psychologically. It’s quite fascinating how it impacts everything in ways similar to trauma responses. Im still struggling a bit with the choice vs disease model. They both have good and bad points. Being me I cant totally subscribe to either although Im leaning pretty heavily to choice if, for no other reason, than Im such a control freak that I cant fathom letting any substance control my life to the point I alienate everyone but that’s just me and my own personality. Odds are that’s the only reason Ive never become an addict since, statistically, I certainly should have. Ive also learned that the brain can adapt and overcome a hell of a lot of damage so Im approaching my own trauma damaged brain with a little more forgiveness than I may have had previously. All in all, given how badly I could have gone, I turned out pretty ok.

Im still rocking the mostly positive outlook that I somehow jumped into in about January. It’s now mid april and nothing has changed. I still dont entertain nonsense and I dont feel guilty for not catering to other peoples needs above my own. I suppose that’s why the constant reminders via the wordpress readers etc stating how women need to pick up the slack, fix situations etc bother me so much. There is no slack in my life. If you’re a man and you’re in my life and you feel like you’re somehow being neglected, that Im somehow “slacking”…ummm…sorry about your luck. Im all good.

What was I saying about remaining happily single again? Haha

Now that’s not to say that I think it’s all on men either. It’s a meet halfway deal in my opinion; a partnership not a mentorship. Everyone has to tow the line or nothing is moving forward. So I’ll pull my weight, usually and then some because I try really hard, but that’s it. I wont change who I am or how I live my life for a man. Not anymore anyway. I like this new found self confidence. I still hope it stays and I never doubt myself like I used to. I hope I never end up in those dark, lonely, heartbreaking places again. I dont deserve it. I know that now.

Catching up

Feels like it’s been forever and that lots has happened when really not much has actually changed since my last post. Or rather lots changed and now Im back to where I was when I last posted.
If that makes sense.

The dragon came and went for his final strike. I dont even remember how he came back or why but it didnt last. He got caught cheating, he’s still doing meth and will never stop and pretty much everything he’s ever told me turned out to be a lie. It was a lot to process in a short amount of time. His side piece admitted she knew he was dating someone, said she didnt care about any of his “chug whores’ and says she’s been around for 20 years. So I handled it like every sane female. I gave all her contact info to the craziest chick Ive ever heard of. The dragons ex….and turned her loose with it. Having gone through his phone I found out he had all kinds of secrets, all kinds of lies. Mostly lies. Damn near everything he’s told anyone in the past few months has been a lie. Like I said it was a lot.
In any event he’s gone again. Every disappointment chips away at my give a fuck. I dont think there’s much, if any, left at this point.

Part of me still wonders why. Why it all had to go down like it did. Why he thought I was stupid enough to just not realize what was going on. And then I remember the drugs. He’s basically a textbook addict. His whole reality is skewed. And he wont give that up. It’s more important to him than anyone or anything else.
And I cant do anything about that. You cant help someone who doesnt want to change. Who doesnt want the help. So you let them go or you watch them die. I let him go.

In other news the farm in Saskatchewan is still a go. I cant convince him to wait a year so I suppose I’ll just have to wing it and hope for the best. Im a great deal of terrified at this prospect and feel wholly unprepared. Wish I was going in with a healthy nest egg but that doesnt seem to be much of an option. I usually do pretty good under pressure so I supposed I’ll survive this too.

Work is picking up finally. I think people have moved on from the plague and are venturing out again so I can actually pay my bills again. Thank goodness.

Also back at the gym trying to work off a middle age fat suit. Ive not been particularly successful so far but Im hopeful anyway.

So Im right back where I was. Still strong and still evolving. The doubts creep in occasionally but dont manage to take root. Hopefully that’s a permanent thing.

Kintsugi

It’s crazy to me how much harder it is to get my thoughts out on paper, so to speak, when I feel whole and happy. I wonder why that is? I wonder why that lost, messy, version of me found pouring herself out on paper was so easy or if she will ever even reappear at this point. I feel like Ive packed her away and replaced her with a version that is so much stronger and sure of herself. I cant think of a reason for the disaster version to ever show up again. She’s just not needed. She’s just not wanted.
Im ok with that.

I cant think of a time I ever felt so sure of myself and the decisions I made. Where Ive not even doubted what I was doing or my reasons for doing it. So confident and strong and no longer stewing and crying myself to sleep over things I shouldnt even be contemplating that Im a bit baffled. I even tried today to doubt myself, if that makes sense, and just couldnt do it. I tried to rethink, I tried to convince myself I wasnt doing the right thing. I couldnt even get a whole thought out like that before my inner voice shut that train of thought down.

Maybe Ive actually completely snapped and this is me losing my mind.

Maybe Ive actually completely snapped and this is me finding myself.


Maybe Ive finally reached the summit of that mental health mountain Ive been struggling up my whole life and am waving the flag at the peak like the victor I am. I hope that doesnt mean it’s all downhill from here and there’s another crash coming.

The dragon got kicked out again. This time for good. I dont doubt my decision, in fact it feels like it was long overdue and I waited way too long for the proof I needed to not feel guilty for tossing him out on his ass. I dont feel anything about it. I dont miss him being here and the way he went out, which should have been heartbreaking, didnt even phase me. That was the whole thing I tried my hardest to second guess. I tried every argument I could think of. Threw everything at that mental wall of it being my fault or my place to fix. I tried to make myself feel guilty. None of it stuck. None of it even came close to being a complete thought. That wasnt my fault, I had no fault in how it played out, and he is not my responsibility to care for. He doesnt care enough to even try to fix it and Im not going to. And all that is perfectly fine and accepted.

I dont know if he was the catalyst for this sudden personality upgrade or if he just happened to be around when the person Ive been fighting to become finally made an appearance. Either way I accept the outcome like the meeting of a old friend Ive always known about but never actually met. I’m meeting her now and I love her. She’s amazing.

I got to talking to one of the other girls I work with the other day about broken children. She had a less than stellar childhood as well. Neither of us thought of our upbringings as odd. In fact she didnt know hers was different until very recently. The whole conversation brought me back to wondering if no one told kids they were broken or damaged if they would ever have any idea. I honestly dont know. Kids dont have another frame of reference for comparison so how would they know the things they dealt with weren’t the reality of everyone. My first experience with realizing my childhood was different was only related to the abuse I dealt with in the Raines household and even then it was only after I went back to school after being on the front page of the newspaper and having kids ask me questions that I realized I was something of a celebrity. Childhood carried on for me like normal. I was only 9 yrs old after all. Even then the teachers had lectured everyone to leave me alone so my class had talked about me while I was still in hiding but I didnt know that. I only found that out from my best friend at the time who stuck by me like glue and shared her My Little Ponies at lunch. In hindsight this is just another example of preparing everyone for this broken little girl to come back to class. I dont really remember any of it phasing me much. Certainly not enough to qualify for everyone to be on high alert. I don’t remember feeling broken or damaged.

I really didnt process that I was broken until I was about 13 and at summer camp when a counsellor showed me what my foster parent had written about me. All of it was lies, which is why the counsellor even showed me, but the gist of it was I was heavily damaged and had major behavioural issues as a result. Prior to that Id never heard that I had problems. (in truth the statement implied that I behaved inappropriately around boys due to sexual abuse when in reality I did no such thing)
That was my first experience that I was aware of being viewed as damaged. It was the first time I realized there was a whole world of paperwork that I never saw where the adults in control of my life exchanged info about me, accurate or not, upon which the other adults based their opinion and treatment of me. I got access to this paperwork when I got my foster care file but that’s probably a whole other conversation.

I wonder now if I would have felt differently about myself had I never learned that I was damaged goods? Would I have grown up with the same self esteem and abandonment issues? Would my trauma levels still be where they ended up or would I have had a chance at feeling somewhat valued as a person not just a paycheque or a sex object?

I like to think I would have had a fighting chance at least. Maybe just because it’s too late now and time for that conversation has long passed. I like to think maybe I might have arrived at the person I am right now decades earlier and without nearly the pain and heartbreak and roller coasters. Maybe I could have managed to maintain a marriage. Maybe I could have raised my children. Maybe that one small change in my own childhood would have changed things for lots of people. I deserved that chance. Every child deserves that chance.

Maybe it’s something child psychologists should think about when they’re helping kids grow and find themselves?

In any event I got there on my own and came out stronger on the other side.

Duality

And so things continue. I came to a realization today while talking to one of the young girls at work. While I internally feel like quite the mess when Im home alone with just my thoughts, outwardly Im the picture of confidence.

I used to think I was faking it. Even so recently as the last few months I felt like it was all an act. I dont know if it was, or is, anymore. It’s like Im two different people. Alone my overthinking tendancies spiral me into all kinds of places I probably shouldn’t go. In public Im the picture of confidence and laughter and fun.

Except now that same confidence, that I always thought was an act, is bubbling over into my private places. That’s good. I think? Or maybe I really am bi-polar and Im finally seeing it happen. Except I feel like I still don’t get manic phases and my hyper-depressive moments are all a result of my own thought process spinning me off into nowhere.
Or they used to be. This whole positive spin on life seems to have stopped all that cold.

Is it normal, I wonder, to feel split like that? Im trying to remember now what it felt like at my low points but from what I remember it was a dark abyss that I felt trapped in. It’s like that whole dark part of me has been absorbed by this new evolution. Absorbed and, maybe not destroyed, but certainly dulled down significantly. So much so I cant even tell if it’s still there.

That’s not a right now feeling either. That’s been pretty consistent for about the past week.

I like it. I hope it stays this way.

Becoming

I am so incredibly proud of myself. I feel like Ive grown so much in the past few weeks it’s incredible. Yes, it was all based on a boy but it’s how I handled that situation and continue to handle it that has me in awe a little bit. I am so much stronger and smarter than I ever thought I was capable of being. I think Im finally learning to love me. Im finally seeing that I am worth more than the treatment I receive from those I keep allowing into my world.

It’s so weird to think even a few short weeks ago I was struggling. Doubting my worth, wondering what I did wrong, wondering why I was never good enough. Fighting the urge to beg for some attention. Crying and hurting and just generally not understanding any of what was happening. And then I realized something, well a whole bunch of things in quick succession actually, the first of which was why did he get to decide my value?

Obviously Im talking about the nearly infamous dragon. Who the dragon really is is a semi-employed meth addict that punched out his last two girlfriends and got kicked out of his house for not paying rent for months. That’s how he ended up here. This is the guy I was head over heels for and was beating myself up because I couldnt figure out why I wasnt good enough for him.
What the fuck?
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
Now he’s definitely got a lot of great qualities and the potential to be absolutely amazing, he’s not all bad I swear (he’s actually not even close to all bad) but that’s not who he is now and maybe not who he’ll ever be. I got fleeting glimpses of the potentially great guy and straight up fell in love. Head over damn heels, gave up my whole identity type of in love. Id be lying if I said I didnt still look at him sometimes and long for that guy. I dont even know if that guy is real or if it’s all an act. I dont even know if I know how to tell the difference.

And then it all came crashing down.

And from that I bloomed. I may be the latest bloomer in the history of humans as a species but bloom I finally did. I half think my determination to seek out the positives and good things in life has a lot to do with my sudden series of realizations. Now that Im in that headspace I cant help myself but wonder why I felt like I did and behaved like I did and doubted my own value so badly.

I think my childhood probably has a lot to do with it. No one has ever wanted me, not since I was a child. Well, I cant even say that honestly but Ive certainly felt like that’s the truth my whole life. I had two fantastic husbands who adored me, both with amazing families that I was just too much of a mental mess to stay with. Oh what I wouldnt give for a do-over with the first one. Or either to be honest. They really were both amazing men and their new wives are lucky to have them. But I learned from that too. I learned that Im a runner. When it gets hard or I dont know how to do it or handle a situation I shut down, shut everyone out and run. I dont know if Ive stopped that but I sure as hell trying.

I wonder why women feel the need to beg for attention or acknowledgement. I know at the very least the dragon’s last ex did. I watched her do it. When begging didnt work they fought. Anything she could do to hold his attention. Ive watched countless other female friends play the same games and try the same tricks all with the goal of just feeling wanted. It’s such a common thing that it’s used as a plot device in countless rom-com’s and books. I fought the urge to just get him to acknowledge my existence constantly and I really feel like it’s only in the last day or two Ive realized how stupid that is. Why do we do this? It’s so degrading.

We should not be sinking to meet someone else’s standards or to fit into someone else’s world we should be raising our standards, or at the very least maintaining them at our level, and expecting everyone around us to rise to meet them. If that person wont rise or isnt ready then let them go. Maybe they’ll grow and be worthy someday, maybe they wont but that’s on them, not us as women. And we should never have to beg for love. Ever.

I dont know why it’s taken me 46 years to actually feel those words. Ive said them for a long time but Ive only just absorbed and put them into practice. Let me tell you it’s empowering as all hell. I feel almost whole, as crazy as that sounds. Like Im finally not lacking or missing something vital to my existence. Like this is me in all my glory, I found that puzzle piece Ive been missing all these years. And I am glorious! Hell fucking yeah I am!

Im going to add this here for any other women reading this. I re-read this almost daily. Some days more than once. I did not write it although I did modify it slightly, it was originally a copy/paste/pass-along thing on facebook. I dont know the original author or if there is just one or if this is an amalgamation of a bunch of different women adding to it over time. I like to imagine the second possibility is correct.

I’ve H A T E D this woman…

Actually, I’ve hated her most of her life.

I’ve fed her lies and told her she wasn’t good enough and have allowed others to tell her she isn’t good enough.

I’ve allowed her to be broken. I’ve allowed others to treat her disrespectfully. I’ve allowed her to run through brick walls and battle for others who won’t even stand and fight for her.

I couldn’t stop others from abandoning her, but I’ve seen her stand up and be a light for the world and love others despite all that; even when abandoning herself.

I have stood paralyzed by fear while she fought battles in her mind, heart and soul.

This woman has screwed up many times as a partner, as a daughter, mother and as a friend because she didn’t think she was worthy of self love or the love of others.

She has a smart mouth, a stubborn streak, and she has secrets. She has scars because she has a history. She has so, so many scars…

Some people love this woman, some like her, and some don’t care for her at all… But she is beginning to love herself (VERY slowly)

She has done good in her life, she has done not so good in her life, neither defines who she is as a person.

Every mistake, failure, trial, disappointment, success, joy and achievement has made her into who she is today.

If she loves you she will do it with her whole heart and soul.

She is dramatic and sometimes she is scatter-brained. She will not pretend to be who she is not. She will make no apologies for who she is. Never will she again belittle herself for the sake of others

This woman is a WARRIOR.
She’s NOT perfect, but she has a lot of WORTH.
She’s UNSTOPPABLE.
Gracefully broken, but beautifully standing.
She is LOVE.
She is LIFE.
She is TRANSFORMATION.
She is GRACE.
She is BRAVE.
… and she will never stop learning or moving forward and trying…
She is me and she is worth it…….💕

Societal Debris

Saw a meme today about foster care, a quote from a foster kid that read: “Ive had 23 foster placements which is really a dressed up way to say Ive left everything and everyone 23 times” I was at 34 “placements” before I even reached adulthood. That is the rule not the exception. Nearly 30 years later Im still wrestling with the damage that caused.

I cant help but think there’s a whole generation of kids churned out by this same system all across North America. Now these are mostly US stats as they are easier to find than Canadian ones but either way something has got to change:

Up to 80% of those incarcerated spent some time in foster care. 25% of foster kids end up in prison within 2 years of emancipation. 65% of kids in care experience 7 or more school changes. Children in care are four times more likely to be abused and between 25% and 40% of all kids in foster care report abuse. Those are just the survivors.

In my province alone, Alberta, 741 kids died in care between 1999 and 2013. An additional 100 have died from 2017 to 2021. These kids were beaten, starved, neglected and abused TO DEATH in a system meant to keep them safe.

These same victims of a system that shuttles them around like cattle also disregards abuse reports. Foster kids arent believed. Instead they are removed to another home with potentially all new abuses and a different kid is put in their old placement to face the same stuff they tried to report.

Eventually you give up trying to change it, give up trying to save yourself and just accept that’s the way it is.

So you have a government system created to get these kids to adulthood however it can be done with little to no regard for the condition with which they arrive just so these same institutionalized beings can finish their adulthood in prison.

Whole generations of humans growing up believing they’re unlovable and flawed somehow. That no one cares, no one wants them and no one will save them and we wonder why these same kids end up in gangs as a surrogate family, abusive relationships or go on to abuse their own kids.

No one taught them differently. They have no idea what love is or what it feels like to be the recipient of it. They had no good examples and no one to convince them they had any value other than the body parts they could offer up, the work they could do or the cheque they brought in every month.

Im not even touching on the racial overtones. Natives in Canada and Blacks in the US are both far more likely to end up in and age out of this system.

This is not ok. It has got to change.

The rule not the exception

Have you ever looked at your friends relationships and thought “I want that”? Not in a jealous way but almost like a longing, like you know you’re missing out but you dont have the faintest idea how to get from where you are to where they are?

I have so many friends like this. Couples that just adore each other and have a near fairy tale level of relationship. I watch them with an ache in my soul for the love they share and adoration they have for each other.

They are the exceptions, not the rules. Or at least that’s my take on it. I also have a good many friend couples that struggle daily and fight to even like each other or at least seem to. Like being together and being miserable is somehow better than being alone. I think they are far more normal than the fairy tale couples. At best I think most of us can hope to achieve tolerance. I think that’s a good portion of my roadblocks in achieving any sort of relationship with anyone. Im pretty damned happy alone and certainly not scared to stay that way.

The Unicorn, who I know Ive mentioned before in this blog, just tried to make his fourth return in a decade. Im still “the one that go away” even though he keeps letting me go. At least this time it didnt send me into a tailspin. Mostly I just got irritated. He wants to meet for drinks. I doubt I’ll show. Im tired of the games, theyre not entertaining anymore. I deserve better and dont need that half ass attention anymore. Look at me go! It’s only taken 40 years to get here!

Weird that Ive always named the guys who made and impression and had an impact after mythical creatures. Wonder if that says something about them or about me?

In other news Im still pursuing school or some sort of retraining. I think bartending has run it’s course and it’s time to move on to something more financially stable. This struggle to pay bills is getting old. No idea what Im going to get into yet. I cant afford to get into most of the things I’d really like to do so I’ll probably end up at some crappy retail management gig. At least it’ll be a steady paycheque.

On the world front Canada is leading a revolution of sorts in the form of a trucker convoy headed to Ottawa in an attempt to sway Trudeau from his vaccine mandate. I doubt it will work, he’s too proud to back down, but the effort they’re putting in is impressive. Personally Im tired of this covid thing. We need to just die or move on with our lives. This half ass “deadly plague’ nonsense is exhausting in all ways.

Not much else is new. Still maintaining a positive focus and Im learning to put a positive spin on a lot of stuff that probably would have bummed me out. There’s a good side to pretty much everything, sometimes it’s just a bit of work to find it.

The power of will

So Ive never really been one to make new years resolutions persay. I have issues with failing at things and those are always something people inevitably fail at. That being said there were things I decided I would do this year. More of a change of perspective than a resolution. I want to stop even noticing the negatives and focus on the positives in all things. Only the positives. I feel like just a small thing like that might change my outlook on life a lot.

Granted Im not really the most negative person as it is but still, every little bit helps.

I watched this social media thing, I cant remember what platform, that talked about becoming your thoughts basically. The premise with that was that if you thought you were beautiful and dressed as such and told yourself that you were beautiful daily not only would you believe it but others would follow suit. Like if you believe something hard enough you make it happen.

We all know about the self fulfilling prophecy of negative thoughts. What if positives had the same kind of power. What if you could will goodness into your life and the lives of others just by focusing on it?

Seems worth a try at least. I cant tell yet if it’s working but I’ll keep you posted!

Love is just a word between addict and manipulation

I saw a quote today that struck home:
Broken women know how to love but not who to love, broken men know who to love but not how to love
Now if combining those two isnt a recipe for a toxic disaster then I dont know what it. Sadly I think these sorts gravitate towards each other and, far from healing each other, they tear each other apart even more. My damaged little self sure likes the ones that do nothing but cause more damage. I damn near seek them out. I cant decide if Im taking them on as some sort of challenge or if my masochistic streak really runs so deep that I hope one day I’ll finally run out of fight.

Lots has changed yet again. I invited the dragon back New years eve, still craving just a hard reset where I could go back to blissful ignorance. It didnt work…obviously. Since then to say it’s been awkward and weird might be the understatement of the century. He barely talks to me aside from his brief stint in jail where he cried and professed his love. In person I barely get grunts. He got out of jail and went right back to the arrogant, entitled guy he was before he went in. I used to like that about him. I dont anymore. It used to be tempered with a sweet, cuddly, caring sort of guy. Now all I get is the asshole. He pretty much ignores my existence unless he needs something and spends all his time buried in his phone online gambling. He’s also back smoking meth. He thinks no one knows but everyone in this house can tell. So Ive done the only thing I know how and backpeddled the hell out of dodge and fortified every defense I have. My defenses have defenses at this point. I thought I stopped caring then I heard him on the phone to another female at 1 am using the same soft, sweet caring voice he used to use on me and my heart hurt a little. Sitting on my damn couch talking to some other chick. It stung a lot more than I wanted it to and then I got mad. Fucking mad! The nerve of this guy! At least he doesnt get tears out of me anymore. Ive toughened up at least that much. Thank goodness.

It’s weird to see the guy I was told he was before I ever really knew him slowly come to fruition. I remember his ex talking about them getting married and him denying he would ever even think that let alone say it. He’s talked about marrying me too. Does he say the same shit behind my back? Why talk about it at all? Or that he loves me whenever he’s down, coming off meth, or needs support. When he’s feeling good I may as well not exist. It’s all manipulation and it’s a bit insulting that he thinks Im stupid enough not to register that’s what’s going on. He’s telling me what he thinks I want to hear. Maybe once upon a time those were the words I wanted but not anymore. That time has passed. Now I know it’s all bullshit. Does he actually think I believe all that? Does he believe all that? Does he think I cant see what is going on? Is that what addicts do? Are they really so blind to their impact on those around them?

On the upside, such as it is, Ive spent the last two weeks talking to colleges and universities about their Addictions counselling programs. All I need is 20K. Anyone want to loan me 20K?

Needless to say Im over it. Im tired of being a crash pad, even though I created that situation, and of paying all the bills with absolutely no help or offer of help. Im being used. At least I know that now. On the upside I stopped directly giving him money…because I no longer have any to give, but it still counts. I have told him he can stay here until he gets back on his feet and even cleared out a bedroom for him. Mostly because I hate him living in my living room and leaving his stuff all over the place. Now I hate cramming two bedrooms into one and living in what looks like a hoarder bedroom. Im not sure which option I hate more.

And everything changes yet again. I cant decide if this is an evolution and things will improve or if Im just digging myself deeper. I guess time will tell.

Not much has changed as far as the rest of my life. I got to hang out with my work crew for a couple drinks the other day and sort of realized how much time Ive spent locking myself down to someone who didnt even want ownership, or only wanted it when it suited him. Not sure why I do that. It’s something I definitely want to work on. If I thought New Years resolutions were a thing that would definitely be one. I missed my work peeps and had an absolute blast, laughing harder than I have in what feels like forever. I need to make sure I get out with people more.

I do have friends. A lot of them actually. Feels weird to say that given how much of this blog has been dedicated to loneliness and pity parties. I dont know why I get on these big pity party episodes or refuse to ask anyone for help for anything. That’s not a personality quirk and it’s not ok. I cant isolate myself and then complain that Im isolated. Like…WTF? I need to start actually investing in these people more than just a surface level. I need to start letting people in, if they want in. I need to figure out how to tell the difference.

Geezus I waited a long ass time into my life to try and sort this shit out. Hopefully I have enough time left to at least get it half ass right.