There are side effects of being a fighter; of being so rebellious, right to the very core of my being, that Im unable to accept much of anyone in my world unless they stay at arms length. If they dont remain at a safe distance I make sure they end up there in short order. I dont get attached. To anyone. You want to leave? Dont let the door hit ya!
And I end up very lonely. In a weird, twisted way, I end up lonely. I always thought that was a bad thing. A sad thing. Something I needed to fix by inserting Mr Right Now or Mrs Temporary Friend into that spot.
There is freedom in that loneliness. An incredible freedom that I didnt realize was there until just recently. I report to no one. No one will notice if I disappear. How amazing is that? I can do whatever I want, whenever I want and no one cares! Who else can make such a boast?!
Thinking recently, with being as sick as I have been and the chest pains that have come with whatever is going on in my system: “If I died here, how long would it take someone to notice?” The answer? Probably not until rent was due next month or someone missed me at work.
It didnt even occur to me to be sad or upset or stung by that fact. Im actually entirely ok with that whole prospect (no Im not actually dying! I just have a man-cold…we all know how deadly those are) My concern was for my dog. Who would look after my dog? How long could she go without food before she’d get someone’s attention? Then I got rather grim and hoped she’d just eat me…and not get sick from it. She’s already a princess, I cant imagine her with a man-cold!
Ive also realized that I have some people in my life who just seem to get me. Whether through their own integrity or force of personality they’re always there, unjudging and accepting no matter the time that passes between conversations and between visits. They get that I need to regroup on my own, frequently, and that I handle my stresses and hurts alone. I adore these people (you know who you are) for being my lighthouses in the real world.
Ive also come to find that there are people I likely just will never get along with. I loathe being told what Im doing or how Im feeling or having anything I say twisted to suit someone’s personal agenda. It irritates me on a level that is likely a bit excessive. If you ever want an instant ticket out of my life tell me how Im feeling or how Im reacting to a situation. Dont ask, just assume and see how far that gets you. Im also far too lazy to keep my guard up all the time. It’s too much work. Ive realized that people who talk about others are likely talking about me too. Ive realized that’s on their karma, not mine. If I have to pause for even a second to consider any of my behaviour in the presence of a friend then it’s time to re-evaluate the ‘friendship’
Im doing that. And so far Im ok with the result.
There are people who will never understand that Im solitary and dont need to talk to anyone for days on end. In fact I live like that a lot. It’s just how I am. I have my social moments then I withdraw to my safetyzone to recharge and regroup. These people too have left my life in the last little while, either by choice, or by my quiet lack of acknowledgement they’ve faded out.
With each person who fades away Im garnering a little more freedom. A little less responsibility. That’s kind of awesome.