Ive had a bit of a weird couple of months. Weird by maybe my standard at least. Ive questioned friendships I thought were unshakable and the loyalties of people I thought I could depend on forever.
Ive realized I can depend on no one. No one is infallible and no one values me as much as I value myself. That’s probably a lesson I should have learned years ago but I didn’t. And now I have.
Surprise! People suck.
I wrestled a great deal with the whole jeep destruction. I plotted, cuz I’m a plotter by nature, at the same time I’m just kind of over it. The lessons I learned about the people involved and those still associated with that person changed so much of how I see the world that I mostly just want to wash my hands of the whole lot and walk away. It stung brutally to have the loyalty of someone I thought was unshakable defend him and show their true colours. It made me question decisions Ive made and values Ive placed on relationships and people. I think that bothers me more than anything else. I loathe questioning myself. I hate the doubt that spreads like disease from that one small seed of uncertainty.
I magnify it until it becomes and all consuming issue. I know I do but that’s just part of who I am. Now it’s at the point I don’t know how to recover, or if I want to. I will question everything now and have already withdrawn from various relationships to the extent that I curtail conversation, avoid interaction and hesitate with every word I say. The trust is gone.
Without trust what’s the point?