RIP Queen B

I lost my best friend yesterday. My soulmate, if a dog can be a soulmate. I don’t think Ive fully processed the hole she left behind. I bounced out of bed to let her out this morning, only she wasn’t here to let out. It took a second before the tears started and I buried my head back under the covers trying to hide from that pain.

I cried all day yesterday. Uncontrollably. I ran out of tears at one point. Just mindlessly sobbed, trying to rid myself of the ache, my face red and burned from wiping tears all day. I drowned my sorrow in wine and medications to numb out the pain last night. It worked long enough for me to sleep.

Cheri showed up with a distracting conversation and ice cream and I pushed the memory of the big beast away for a minute.

I was there when she left. I made that choice to let her go rather than subject her to an iffy surgery that, had it gone wrong, would have meant a potentially agonizing death that I would not have been there for. I held her while they injected the anesthetic although I don’t think she knew I was there anymore. The sedation had her snoring away peacefully on my arm while I bawled into her neck.

I’m bawling now all over my laptop from the memory of that moment.

My house is empty. No one greets me at the door. No one snuggles me on the couch. I’m all alone now. That should be freeing. I don’t have to worry now about who is going to look after the Queen B while I’m gone. I can come and go as I please.

But I don’t want to be free. I want my dog back.

I will forever miss her and the unconditional love she had for me. She was my partner in crime and I will never replace her. She was not replaceable. She was too perfect for that.

RIP Cocobean aka Beaner, aka Queen B You were loved more than you will ever know.