Take it and go

I’m behind on my car payment. Partly due to the unexpected vet bills of Bean and partly due to just being sick of forking over money for a piece of crap vehicle.

Ive debated consistently for the past couple months (I’m currently 2 months behind)  just walking away from it and allowing it to be repo’d. Fuck it. I don’t much like it anyway.

Tried to talk to the financer today. Every solution and offer I made that I actually knew I could do was “too ambiguous” and unacceptable. His solution was to “prioritize” IE: pay them instead of rent. I was unwilling to do that. Then he went on the big spiel about how they had the right to repo it blah blah blah.

Problem is you cant threaten someone who simply doesn’t care anymore.

My response was fine…take the damn thing then. He then tried to scare me with the legalities of them coming after me for the balance. Ok then I’ll declare bankruptcy. Like I give a fuck…they repo it my credit is going to be fucked either way.

Suddenly he was much more agreeable to my previously “too ambiguous” offers.

Fuck I hate people sometimes.

I had wondered recently if I didn’t love my dog enough. If I somehow was a bad dog owner given that I had attempted to fill that void only a week after her death with a kitten. I barely cried over her loss anymore, only shedding tears Christmas day after the initial heartbreak. I think now that I just buried that pain like I do. I just don’t show anyone that I am hurting. It’s weak.

And I refuse to be weak.

Put me with someone I trust and I turn, yet again, into a blubbering female despite the presence of my new small, and incredibly annoying, hairball.  Poor Kris got the brunt of that, as he always seems to. He also got to listen to me rant on my interpretation of friendship, or the lack thereof, and the guilt I feel over the sickness and eventual death of Bean. I always think when I leave his house that the sex must be phenomenal for him to tolerate all the crap that comes with it.

The fact that I still cry and still hurt makes me feel better…and worse. At least I know I’m still human.

I received a card yesterday from the vet clinic that handled Beans illness and demise, along with prints of her feet and a small patch of hair. I looked at the envelope and told myself I shouldn’t open it then but I did. And of course I cried.

I’m still human and not completely heartless. Yay me!