Page by page

Ive done a great deal of thinking in this most recent break from socialization. Ive had a few epiphany moments I’d like to share.

The process of going through my foster care file has shaken me. I wont deny that. It’s also forced me to reflect and embrace who I am and how I came to be this way. So much of myself is clear in black and white for the world to see. All my demons laid bare and skeletons expelled from the closet unceremoniously so that Im left with no choice but to deal with them.

Page by page I have. Mostly.

Ive come to realize that Im damaged, likely beyond repair.  Im ok with that, I mean really, everyone is damaged in some way. Im a pretty sane individual, in my opinion,  considering some of the stuff I survived. I dont accept my damage as defining who I am. I dont embrace it. I acknowledge that it is a driving force in my evolution but I fight every day to not be seen as a victim. Nothing irritates me more than the patronizing looks the fact that I was a foster child brings. “Aww you poor thing” while they hide their jewellery and small children and hope I dont notice.  Im not a victim, Im a survivor. And Ive been fighting my whole life against that label. Long before any child should have had to take a stand on anything I took one and refused to budge from that spot.

I haven’t budged since. That’s all here in black and white too.