I think some explanations are in order but first a little who I am and how I function.
Im pretty much a chronic and uncontrollable overthinker, if there was some sort of Overthinkers Anonymous meetings I would be chairwoman. My go-to move is translate any and every event in my life, equating it to some sort of psychological feature. Im very, very bad at just going with the flow. I used to think Id been this way my whole life but Ive come to realize more recently, through a bought of over analyzation(ironic!), that I think I got to be this way as some sort of defence mechanism.
And oh boy am I defensive.
This also applies to any area Im interested in. I’ll read textbook after textbook until Ive beaten the subject to death and can debate and discuss it at length.
I heard a quote once from a man who had been abused at a boarding school, he said something like, “Abused children learn to keep busy. There’s a tsumani of emotion right behind them all the time and they learn if they stay still they’ll be overcome so they have to stay just ahead of that wave all the time.” that stuck as it pretty much explains how I go through life. Im always lost in some sort of study: genetics, astrophysics, politics, history, evolutionary psychology, the list is almost endless. When those don’t work I learn knots, leatherwork and survival skills. I did mention Im all over the map, right? Gotta stay ahead of that wave.
Anyway, going back to the explanation issue:
Yesterday my life blew up in my face yet again. There is this guy, I will probably mention him repeatedly as he was a huge factor in my life for a good number of years, for this blog we’ll call him Mike. I had been head over heels in love with Mike for years. He didn’t return the sentiment but liked to give me just enough interest to give me hope that one day I would make the grade. It’s pathetic and I know that now but at the time I was all in. A few years ago we parted ways in a rather brutal fashion. I’ll go into that more in another post. Recently we reconnected and yesterday that all fell apart again. In true me fashion I hit the books and tried to figure out why. This led to this big caper through the effects of alcoholism on the brain and how that caused him to basically become unbalanced. That might be true, in fact it’s likely, but I also allowed him to treat me the way he did. I made it ok for a long time and as soon as it wasn’t ok anymore and I stood up for myself everything went sideways. That brief moment of courage I had was utterly destroyed by the blows to my self esteem he inflicted out of no where. Because I had let him in more than most people my guard was down and, like a fatal parasite, he took that in and used it to decimate me. It worked, more than he will ever know. I had an epic level pity party, bawled my eyes out, contemplated suicide and basically decided I was a waste of space and time and no one would ever love me.
All of that might be true too but who would feed my cat if I was gone?
That’s the second time in my life Ive allowed the same person to push me to that level of low. Incidentally this is the same guy who destroyed my jeep at Halloween and ghosted out of my life without any explanation a year before that.
He wasn’t content to just destroy me, he worked to sabotage the few friendships I had, sending out a series of messages, just cryptic enough to make anyone wonder, trying to paint me as what amounts to the whore of Babylon.
Im fortunate enough to have friends that know better (I think) but it was a lot to deal with all at once for someone who is really good at focussing on one thing at a time with an freakish intensity.
So yesterday was not a good day.
Today will be better.