I relocated recently, in an attempt to dig myself out of the mess I got myself into last year. Im here strictly to make bank then Im hightailing it back out of this city as fast as I can go. Being someone separated from my best friend, and writing here, has produced a lot of epiphany type moments. I no longer have constant adult supervision, which is never good, and, through writing here, Im being forced to look at and re-evaluate some of the stuff that’s happened in my past.
Ive taken a good hard look at the concept of friends recently, more so at the ‘best’ friends of my past, mostly just because my attachment to Cheri confuses me slightly. Being me, I don’t get attached to anyone. Ever. But this damn woman sauntered into my life only a few short years ago and turned my whole concept of friends on its head.
Ive had ‘best’ friends before, we all have, but there’s always something of a gap I think, a holding back. Or there always has been for me. A lot of my friendships have been very one sided and me, ever the people pleaser, ended up lost trying to make sure those I cared about were happy until one day I’d snap and it would all go to hell. I seem to attract a lot of needy, kinda high maintenance people and Im not sure why. They need constant reassurance and I’m ever willing to drop everything Im doing and come to their aid but they never seem available to come to mine.
In recent years I had a ‘best’ friend who pitched a fit because I hadn’t called her for a few days. I was busy regrouping and doing my selfish ‘me time’ thing. My other ‘best’ friend disowned me right before her wedding because I didn’t agree with her and got tired of listening to the same song and dance over and over again. My guy ‘best’ friend, or I thought so for years, was Mike. We all know what happened there. My other guy ‘best’ friend was probably the husband of one who disowned me but Im avoiding him like the plague now just from the drama caused by Mike and not wanting to reinforce that or otherwise lend it any credibility. I had a best friend in junior high but otherwise I cant really remember ever having a close confidante growing up. Ive always chosen pets or books over people. For as long as I can remember, or at least once I acknowledged that I would always be alone.
And, having said that, I start to worry that maybe Im needy and selfish and I shouldn’t look at friendship as being a give and take. Maybe Ive got it all wrong and the issue is me. Normal people have lots of close friends. I can count on one hand the number of people I trust with even the most basic of my person info. Lots of people think they’re in the loop but they aren’t. Trust is a big thing and I don’t give it out to anyone anymore.
I cant remember ever having met anyone in my life who just seems to get me. I think Cheri thinks Im entirely ridiculous and she’s totally right but she’s never belittled me, or berated me for not doing enough for her, or made me question where her loyalty was. Ive never felt the need to filter what I say or how I say it.
Is that what a real friend is?
Has it really taken me forty years to figure that out?
I did say I was an academic, I cant people worth a damn.
I miss her fiercely even though we talk all the time. I made a decision today to work my ass off to get home. I need to get my big beast of an RV on the road and follow through with my original plan and just commute to work. Writing that it sounds sorta creepy and clingly and maybe it is. Maybe Im creepy and clingly. At this point I don’t really care. I just want to go home.