“We accept the love we think we deserve.”~Stephen Chbosky.
Ive always wondered if there is some sort of ‘How to date’ class. I reckon things change so quickly the information would be outdated before the class is even complete and I think us old folks, who have an entirely different concept of relationships than the Jersey Shore generation, might be too old to learn the new methods anyway. Dating sites are a bust unless you want a myriad of dick pics and to be insulted when they dont result in you getting naked. Im too old to troll bars and have never been much of a one night stand type. I dont have people friendly hobbies. Im embarrassingly geeky and Im at an age now where Im pretty damned set in my ways. I dont even know how to set foot back in that infinitely frustrating dating swamp. So where does that leave those of us wandering this big ass planet solo?
I suppose it’s not awful. Somedays it’d be nice to have someone to wake up with but I think the price Ive paid for that privilege in the past was so high that Im almost scared to try again. On the other hand I do what I want, when I want, with who I want and report to no one.
But in a healthy relationship are you even supposed to report to anyone? Maybe that’s the problem right out of the gate. I have no idea what a healthy relationship really is so I allow myself to get sucked into pseudo situationships with all the wrong people or I balk at the concept completely. One extreme or the other.
I never was good at the whole gray area thing.
On the upside Ive gotten very good at opening pickle jars!
Ive always wondered how much my childhood has impacted my ability to form lasting, real relationships with actual adults. I blame myself entirely for the failure of my first marriage. In hindsight he was pretty damned amazing. Far better than anything I probably deserved and I still ran. Still stuck to my ‘leave before they leave you’ policy that Ive had for as long as I can remember. That was probably the biggest mistake Ive made in my life. We all have that one mistake that will haunt us forever. I don’t know if I ever loved him. If that’s any consolation. I reserve that deepest and hardest of emotions for those who dont really want or deserve it. But I know he loved me and I broke him. I get to live with that.
A side effect of that loneliness that haunts me, even though I rarely admit it, is dogs. Im constantly surfing rescue sites, breeders etc in pursuit of a constant companion and cuddle buddy. There’s not a day goes by that I dont miss Bean or think of her at least once. On the other hand I second guess myself, as Im apt to do, and wonder if I dont want a dog for all the wrong reasons. I think that’s the only reason I dont have one yet. I cant decide if I want a companion that Im responsible for or if I just want something big and cuddly to fill that void and take up half my bed. Im trying to wait it out and keep chasing my dozen other goals and see if fate sees fit to deliver me a dog or if I’ll just keep bumbling along with a big empty spot. My little 2 lb Ripley just doesnt quite do the trick although, since her spay, she’s become quite the cuddle bug.
In other news, my RV, Serenity, is home. The big beast fired right up, after a year of sitting, with minimal effort. I was so happy I nearly cried in front of a whole crew of guys that showed up to help me get her out of the yard (the free beer probably helped) Ive bought my first set of tools, a giant socket and wrench set, with the money I saved not paying my fines. I blew through what was a pretty big stack of cash a lot faster than I thought I would. Granted I was shockingly adult with it, life is just much more expensive than one might think. The Golfball is currently broke down with a mobile mechanic coming tomorrow to work on it since I cant even get the damn wheel off. Easy fix once that is out of the way but Im clearly weaker than I think I am since I cant even get the lug nut to budge.
In the process of doing all of those adult things, like actually registering vehicles, I requested a new medical card, still an organ donor and Im currently trying to figure out how to attach a DNR to my medical information. Im ok with dying. Ive had big long conversations with myself about the lack of value I contribute to this planet. When you break it down are any of us really doing any good here? What legacy are we really leaving? When it’s my time to go then Im ok with it being my time to go.
Maybe I’d have a different opinion if I had a dog.
Or someone to open pickle jars.