From a young age women learn that there’s a prince for everyone, that someone will love you for being exactly who you are. We’re raised on a diet of Prince Charmings and happily ever afters until it somehow seems like the norm and anything less isn’t good enough; like real relationships dont take work, they just fall out of the sky in their infinite perfection and evolve into a lifetime of bliss. That couldn’t be farther from the truth and the realization that there’s no Prince Charming and that no one actually wants you without some sort of ulterior motive is a reality check even I wasn’t quite prepared for.
And I like to think Im prepared for everything.
Ive complained and lamented at great length about my “sex kitten status” and how frustrating and heartbreaking it is to be wanted just for a skill set I really acquired by default. I recently started hanging out with Mike. Again. Before you roll your eyes (I already have, believe me) this time has been a bit different. We were friends, or so I thought, just kinda hung out, had drinks etc, nothing fishy or weird, it was very casual, no expectations or awkwardness but all the hugs, forehead kisses and cuddling I crave.
Honestly it was kinda nice. I dont know if I feel that just because our history is so turbulent and, for once, it seemed like smooth sailing, or if Im just so damned lonely Im willing to settle for anything. I think on some level he’s been my Prince Charming for a long time. He’s certainly got the ability to do it. I fully acknowledge that Im in love with his potential, not him, and he refuses to rise to that level for more than a day or two but I know it’s in there so I keep going back. Ive had long conversations with myself trying to figure out why I keep letting him back in and that’s the best, and only, hypothesis I have so far.
Anyway, things were good. It was just friendly pretty normal-for-him interactions and then out of the blue, just hanging out drinking, it suddenly became all about sex. I wasnt having any of it but it threw me right off my rails actually as I hadnt expected it from him. Thus far he’d been the only one who’s never really wanted much to do with me in that department so his sudden demand…and it was pretty much a demand…was a bit of a shock. Not only that but the demand came right on the heels of having told me how much he likes this girl and how he’s done being an asshole and doesn’t want to cheat on people anymore. Apparently I don’t count. Needless to say I bolted only to have my phone blow up with apologies.
I accepted, like I always do, but the dynamic has changed. With that one false step on his part everything changed. It’s good though, I think. Everyone needs a good reality check sometimes.
It’s also allowed me to step back a bit. Ive said before that every time he ditches me it gets easier and I care less. He didnt ditch this time, I almost did. He’s fighting to keep me now and Im just kinda sitting in neutral. Ive had a few days to try and sort out where my head is at, what I really want from him, from myself and from life in general. It stung a lot more than I expected and my knee-jerk reaction was to flee. I had a good cry, hated myself for a day then I was fully prepared to just load up what I could in the RV and get the hell out of dodge. I still might, I still havent decided what I actually expect from him or myself for that matter but I absolutely refuse to accept that Im only good for one thing. Maybe I am and I should just accept it but even just typing this I can feel the fury brewing. I wonder if there’s not some fatal flaw with the people in this province that all seem to have some sort of selfish motive for every interaction. Ive never faced such people before. It’s making me tough but then I have to wonder if I want to be tough. I like being a nice person and all the bullshit is slowly chipping that away and replacing it with some sort of heartless monster.
Even just saying that is a bit odd. I grew up a heartless monster and for a long time I missed that person. All these emotions are a hard thing to manage, Im not good at it and being bad at something so seemingly simple frustrates me endlessly. Now with the real prospect of the return of that numb little girl Im fighting against that too. I just wish I could find some sort of happy medium. Or people would just stop sucking. Whatever comes first I suppose.
Heartache, hiccups and hope 