It seems strange to me, as the proverbial “strong, independent woman” how much of my emotional state depends on the guys that flit in and out of my life and their opinions of my value. I like to play tough, like their opinions dont count, like I know better but it does affect me deeply and pretty horribly most of the time I just seem to be a master of covering that up with a smile and carrying on with my life like it’s no big thing.
I have to wonder why it affects me so much. Or why I hide it. I dont think either response is necessarily normal but then who defines normal.
And the rabbit hole spirals off into the dark again.
At what point in our lives do we learn to define who we are by who we actually are and not by the opinions of those in our lives? Is this different for survivors of rocky childhoods or standard across the board? How does one overcome that?
It frustrates me endlessly that I’m always good enough to be the sidechick. This is a reoccurring lament that I just cant seem to puzzle out. Oddly I stumbled across the Unicorn’s wife’s facebook today, apparently we have mutual friend so she came up on my ‘suggested friends’ list…with his last name. He hadnt even told me they were actually married last time he chased me a few short months ago. They’ve been officially married two years. I feel dirty for even having entertained the idea that being his side-chick might have been good enough. In truth we talked for a few days and never even met face to face. I did nothing wrong but I still feel dirty and used and worthless for it.
How do I change the apparently universal opinion of me that Im all ready to be the side-whore for pretty much every guy that has ever crossed my path and what am I doing that is giving off that impression? Isnt that the question of the hour?
What the frik?
On other, more exciting notes! I just got a second job. You know that running thing I do? Well it also includes staying so busy I dont have time to deal with anyone or anything. With my hours having been cut at my first job to basically part time Im hoping between the two I can not only get back to the income level Im used to but I can stick my head in the sand and avoid life like the pro avoider I am. If Im not around anyone then they cant have an opinion and I can carry on my merry little way loving myself and my life!
I do love myself and my life when no one tells me otherwise. I do think Im pretty damned awesome when no one tries to convince me that’ll I’ll be better if I just do this little thing for them. I think Im good and kind and intelligent and articulate and worthy of love. Even if it’s just from a cat or dog.
And then I can pour all that money from my latest ‘tuck tail and run’ scheme into the RV which, other than having been cleaned out and started, hasnt done anything since I brought it home. Now that it’s here Im almost at a loss as to where to start. My second guessing has stopped me from even starting. Someday I’ll just have to down a bottle of wine and go at it with a skill saw.
Then I’ll have no choice but to get the ball rolling and deal with the mess me and power tools is sure to create.
Im pretty damned fabulous!
Just not good with tools!
Heartache, hiccups and hope 