I dont even know what to title this one. I suppose by the end of it I’ll come up with something clever but for now I just need to vent and cry and get it all out on paper…persay.
Once again Ive managed to get myself in a hell of a mess. Part of which involves currently being tangled up in a controlling man at a level Ive never experienced before. Im phoneless. Not even from not paying a bill. I trusted him and found out the hard way, as I always tend to, that was a bad idea.
I feel so incredibly isolated and alone and hopeless.
And stuck in a situation I have no idea how to get out of.
And I think, in hindsight, that was his plan all along. To isolate me. Keep me in his sights all the time and unable to talk to anyone else. I think Ive become one of those girls I never understood. Im trapped in a situation that happened so fast I didnt even see it until I was in too far and now I dont know how to get out.
I dont think I can get out.
Ive become ‘that girl’ that takes too much abuse.
How did that even happen?
And for what? I get literally nothing out of this except an empty bank account and abuse. Nothing. No comfort, no sex, no safety, Im not even treated special. I can only write this because he isnt here right now. Im so controlled and so monitored and that’s so entirely not who I am.
Ive literally sacrificed who I am for nothing.
Am I really that pathetic?
And now I dont know how to fix it.
My whole being is rebelling at the whole situation, especially without him here, but Im stuck.
Im literally trapped.
I am that girl I never understood. And I still dont understand.
It’s a wonder, given the repeated messes I seem to get into that Im still alive.
At this point death might almost be a welcome reprieve. I hate that I feel that. It’s so weak.
For being Miss Independent Im sure craving some arms to cuddle into right now or some sort of white knight to tell me how to get out of this.
But Im on my own. I’ll either get out or I wont.
If I dont, someone please look after Ripley.