When the fight goes too far

I will never judge a woman in a domestic abuse situation again.
And I never even got hit. Not directly although threats were issued pretty regularly
I would have been pretty heavily damaged had he managed to maneuver the machete in my tiny car when he was determined to chop my head off for driving too fast. Or too slow. Or hitting this bump. Or that one.
Or had I allowed those drugs he tried to force into my mouth with the full and vocalized intent to kill me.

I was lucky. I got away, so far, with a broken car window and an empty bank account.

And a lot of fear.
So much fear.
Ive never been so afraid of anyone or anything in my life.

I sleep in fits now worried he is going to show up.
My flight instincts are at full power. If only I had more money I’d be well gone. But he took all my money, and my phone and somewhere along the line he took my independence and my self respect and a good portion of my dignity.
And we weren’t even dating. We never had sex, we weren’t ‘that way’. I was supposed to be just a driver.
Just a driver. Not a possession.

I dont even know where it got so twisted. Or so out of my control.
Or where I managed to endanger everyone around me.
He told me once that he would burn the house I live in and everyone in it down around me if I crossed him.
Knowing full well there are three little girls living in this house.
I would bring them into the mess I had gotten myself into if I didnt do as I was told.
How do you escape from that?

You dont.

You smile, and nod and tow the line and hope for a miracle.

Ive always judged. Actually Ive been horribly judgmental of women in domestic violence situations. Always wondering why they dont leave. Just leave. How bloody hard is it?
So much harder than anyone can fathom and there is so much more at stake than anyone can comprehend.
Unless you’ve been there.
And now I have. I get it.
If it had been just me I would have fought. I may have survived, I may not have, but it was my burden to bear and I was actually prepared to just deal with it.
He knew that. He preyed on that. He knew I’d go down swinging, I’d still face him with everything I had and I’d still fight tooth and nail, so he preyed on a weakness and exploited it to take all the fight out of me.
And he absolutely took all the fight out of me. I was an automaton, doing exactly as told, exactly when told…until I didnt.
Ive been too much of a fighter my whole life to be obedient for very long.

After nearly a month of slave-like obedience I finally couldnt contain the rebellion anymore.
In the process I endangered my whole house. In hindsight it was incredibly stupid. The guilt I feel for snapping like that and losing control will likely haunt me til I die. Especially if anything happens to anyone in this house.
Im struggling now to get the hell out of here as soon as I can and just remove myself. Hopefully that will keep the wolves at bay.
I snapped. In response he tried to wrangle me back into position every way he knew how. Intimidation. Threats. At one point he even tried sweet talking me. Anything he could think of that might make me step back into the spot he wanted me in.
And I was having none of it.
That fighter I was as a child might actually get me killed as an adult.

It’s been 24 hrs now and no word. I dont know if that means Im free or if he’s planning the invasion and hostile take over of this house he always threatened would come.
Time will tell I suppose. The cards are all played now and I cant change those that were dealt I just have to deal with them as best I can.
And hopefully not get a bunch of innocent kids killed in the process.

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