My best friend pointed out to me today over coffee that I really do buckle down under pressure. In fact I thrive under it. The harder Im pushed the more I actually get shit done.
On the flip side of that the only pressure Im ever really under is all self inflicted.
And Im never alone in my fight, not anymore, but there’s an army of people helping to dig me out of my messes. I wish these people knew even half of how much they’re appreciated and how baffling it is to me that anyone even cares enough to throw me a life-line. Every. Single. Time.
I wonder why I do that to myself. I wonder where, in my brain, the wiring got crossed so that I cant have a normal life, I have to jam a stick into my own spokes just to function. Just to get anything accomplished otherwise I just talk and talk and talk and procrastinate until the next crisis pushes me to actually finish something.
I know damn well that’s not normal. Im the only person I know who even does it.
And, honestly, it’s more than a little embarrassing.
With that conversation I had a good chat with myself on the long drive back to the city. I wonder why I even put myself in the positions I do? Why I gravitate to people and situations that I really should be running the other way from?
I wonder if my childhood has anything to do with it? If Im somehow addicted to the stress hormones caused by constant upheaval. I wonder if that’s even a thing that happens to broken adults? Is there such a thing as a cortisol addiction?
If there is how do I fix it? One of these days Im not going to get out in one piece and I think Im going to bring down everyone around me with me when I fall.
And that’s not acceptable, even to me, but, for some reason I dont seem to be able to keep my own head above water regardless of how much I feel like Im trying. At least not in this city.
Maybe it’s not childhood related at all and Im just a mess of an adult looking for an excuse.
At what point does loneliness trump intelligence? Apparently every time Im lonely. So much for self control. Or being half ass smart.
With that I know it’s time to go.
Nothing clears the mind and heart as well as driving fast with the music cranked!
I finally got the poor little Golfball out of third gear and opened her up on the highway. Fight or flight…right? A nice two hour drive to apply for jobs. Pretty sure Ive got the first one already and from that I’ll hope for a second. Buckled down with the full and immediate goal of getting the hell out of dodge.
And disappearing into the wide blue yonder cuz fuck this city and everyone in it.
The sad thing is I know it’s not this city, it’s me, but I cant exactly run from me now can I?