Aimless

So I have moved back out of the city that causes me nothing but heartache and an empty bank account and Im half regretting my choice.
Second guessing as I always do.
Im living full time in my RV now. It’s basically a metal tent piled floor to ceiling with everything I own. Im living like a hoarder. I wake up in the morning and wade through piles of boxes and cant help but wonder what Im really doing with my life. Where am I going and what am I really doing.
REALLY doing??
I know what I think Im doing, or at least I thought I did. Now it all feels a bit aimless. Pointless.
Pathetic.

I recently tangled with a married man. His wife was essentially non-existent for the few months we spoke and hung out. They were having problems I heard all about. She was off doing her own thing and he was with me. He was with me 24/7 for a good month at one point.  It was all well and good until she resurfaced, pregnant with another man’s baby, and I was tossed aside like I didnt exist.
In hindsight I had it coming. I knew better than to even associate with other peoples toys let alone fall for them. On the upside, other than hanging out, it never actually progressed so at least I dont have to extricate myself from the mess physical contact leaves behind but that doesnt seem to lessen the sting much.

I will never be anyone’s choice.
Im slowly coming to terms with that devastating fact, or Im trying to. I think Ive been trying to accept that fact my whole life. Some small part of me, probably that always abandoned little girl, still just wants to be a choice. A priority.
Someone worthy of love.
I dont think that’s in the cards for me and I really think, or wish, I could process and absorb that fact and armor myself with it instead of getting hurt over and over and over again.

So now Im back in turtle mode. Hating the world, trying to regroup and refind my tough, carefree, self.
At the same time Im seriously questioning what Im even doing in this world or if I will ever have anything to offer of worth.

 

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