Well it’s been a while and sadly, in the grand scheme of things, not much has changed.
Im back living by myself, with just the cat for company. It gives me a lot of time to reflect, perhaps too much time. The levels at which I self-evaluate probably border on some sort of neurosis. Nothing changes, of course, but I sure like to pick apart my life, or lack thereof. Im lonely. So impossibly lonely that I contemplate decisions I fight not to make and find myself reaching out to people, or allowing people into my world, that have no business being there.
I settle. Constantly and with some sort of self desructive need I keep settling for people who bring out all the parts of me I loathe just so Im not alone.
Five minutes of fake happiness for days of self loathing and disgust.
It’s a good trade.
I wonder when I’ll either accept that perhaps Ive only got a few things people value. Outside of that, all the things I love about myself, no one else seems to want around. Should I adjust? Should everyone else?
I crashed pretty hard after Fozzy. Im blaming the drugs now but maybe that’s not it at all. Maybe that darkness that seems to follow me and smother my thoughts is going to win in the end and Ive spent a lifetime fighting the inevitable.
Maybe the darkness should be allowed to win.
Maybe it was the drugs after all, or maybe I was just overdue for a complete mental breakdown. Maybe I just need to process and absorb how alone I really am and how alone Im going to stay for the foreseeable future.
Maybe my life just sucks.
Maybe’s start to sound a lot like woulda/shoulda/coulda’s if you say enough them.
I feel like Ive had this discussion before. A lot.