I wanted to get this down on paper before it faded into nothing. I had a dream. Not a grand one like MLK but a heartbreaking, soul crushing one involving my daughter and my birth mother and a fight that never took place in real life but should have. Where all the stuff I’ve pent up for 40 years was finally unleashed and she, my birth mom, had to own up to and face what happened when I was a kid. It didn’t help any, my daughter still chose her. And in the end I intentionally OD’d successfully.
So I suppose out of all that at least I got the ending right.
I cant tell if nothing has changed or a lot has changed. I think life is like a pendulum. It swings one way then the other. A perpetual motion machine. Like that silly bird machine that bobs its head forever but never actually takes a drink.
I can remember hoping like hell never to have kids growing up. I think foster care probably instills that in every child that makes it out alive and mostly intact. Then when I got pregnant I resolved not to screw up like my own parents had. Like every family I’d had my entire life had. I wanted to raise loved and cared for kids who would never experience the shit I went through and would never wonder if they were worthy.
People want a lot of things it seems.
I screwed up anyway, obviously. In the exact same way I had been screwed up. I abandoned every single kid I had under the pretense that they’d be better off without me. Really they are. They really, REALLY are, but they’re going to wrestle with the why’s and the what if’s for the rest of their lives and wonder why they weren’t good enough to be loved. And I cant take that away. Ever. It will follow them in everything they do and every relationship they have. And it breaks my heart.
The cycle repeats and repeats and repeats. To steal from GRRM: the wheel rolls on, crushing all those beneath it.
How do you even begin break that?
I don’t even think I have the wiring to form a complete and healthy family. I literally don’t know how. And I know that. Deep down I just know the family thing isn’t for me. Somewhere along the line I lost the ability to connect on that complete, symbiotic, level. I suppose it shouldn’t be shocking but it really bothers me that a system meant to save kids chews them up so badly and spits them out in so many pieces that they never learn how to be whole again.
In other news, since Im just as bad at keeping this blog updated as I am at running the rest of my life: Ive moved back to the city, and then, 2 years later, moved across that same city. Ive had 3 jobs since I moved here, the first being Walmart which I hated. The second I serving job which got me back into loving that industry and now I bartend again. Something I never thought I’d be able to get back into given that my waistline is probably twice that when I last bartended.
The world has gone to hell. We’re all going to die, according to the media, from the least deadly plague thus far. Sars-cov2 is making the rounds so life is spent at home while world governments panic on how to combat a virus no more deadly than the flu. Everything is very extreme. Politics, religious views, society as a whole is divided right down the middle with everyone to the extreme left or right.
Personally I think they’re both idiots and assholes and both hold the fascists “my way or you’re wrong” mantra. It’s insane to watch the world implode like it is.
Personal life hasn’t changed and I doubt it ever will. Im back fighting the ‘sex only’ lifestyle and tired of being the back up plan for anyone. Granted it was just one person but even he has now been givin the boot. No one will think I have any value until I start to believe it myself so Im adopting a ‘fake it til you make it” philosophy. We’ll see how well that works. Im not personally holding out much hope.
I got a dog! A big, meathead of a dog much like Bean. He’s actually a lot like her although not as stoic and confident. But he’s the right size and loves his cuddles so he’ll do. And he snores so there’s that.
It’s the beginning of a new year and Im trying not to make actual resolutions just to add another failure to my long list. I do want to attend to this a lot more, it’s been so long since I was on here it took a while to figure out how to post. It’s cathartic to write and finally gives me an outlet to vent things I would never tell another soul. Except the dog of course. He hears all my secrets.