So anyone following this is going to know I have issues. Hell I think even my issues have issues. Ive worked really hard my whole life to overcome a lot of it but I dont harbour any illusions that Im not a management nightmare for anyone trying to exist in my bubble. Some survive it, most dont. I dont blame them. Im kind of a mess.
As part of that mess I have some pretty severe abandonment issues, self worth issues and trust issues. They pretty much make dating me impossible. Im always waiting for it to go wrong to the extent that it almost becomes a self fullfilling prophecy and Im the master of self sabotage. I just kind of accepted that I’d always be alone. I dont know if I was ever ok with that fact. It pretty much reinforced that I wasnt worth anyone’s time but that was my reality. It is what it is. Or, rather, it was what it was.
And this poor guy, who Ive known for about 7 months and only been hanging out with and talking to in any sort of semi-dating capacity for a month-ish got to deal with the full brunt of my ‘crazy’ yesterday. He had to drive his ex somewhere, basically toodle around and run “errands’ with her. Neither of them told me so I found out in the most backwards fashion and, of course, my little unwanted soul assumed the worst. Here he was going back to her and all the stuff we had discussed and done was just a revenge plot meant to piss her off. I was nothing but a pawn. I tried to bolt, as My first reflex is flight. He wasnt having it and more or less chased me down. Apparently he thinks Im worth hanging on to. I almost cried at the sheer effort he put into hunting me down and calming me once he found me. I wish I could process that effort deeply enough that I actually believed it meant something so I could stop waiting for it all to go sideways.
And stop being a flight risk.
On the upside he sat me down and we talked it out and he calmed me down and we came up with a battle plan for next time it happens. I wish it wouldnt but I know it will. I don’t think he has any idea what he’s gotten himself into or how much work I’m going to be. I wish I wasn’t but I don’t know how to let go of that hard shell I’ve grown over the years. Nor do I know how to not bolt at the first sign of anything my anxiety says is fishy. Whether it’s actually fishy or not. At some point I need to just surrender and just enjoy life, enjoy his company and give him a chance to be who he says he is. It cant always be fight or flight. What an exhausting way to live life.
And an enormous amount of work for anyone trying to insert themselves into my life. No one in their right mind would tolerate someone who sees shadows and imagines elaborate ways things will probably go wrong.
Fingers crossed this one is different.