Permission

What a difference two short weeks can make. Ive parted ways with the guy I was smitten with. He’s gone back to his ex and Ive dealt with the sting of once again not being good enough. For once, instead of fighting it, I fully embraced all those feelings, as silly as they may have been, and felt them all deeply and survived it. I gave myself permission to hurt, to cry and to be a little bit heartbroken for a while instead of going straight to blind rage. Something I dont think Ive ever really done before so I hope that means Im healing and learning.

Time will tell I suppose.

In hindsight Im now trying to wrestle through why I got so attached to him to begin with. Logically it makes no sense. Im not the co-dependent type, nor am I particularly emotional and I rarely think I get attached to anything human (animals are a whole different ballgame.) I knew going in that I was likely being used and played and that thought always floated in the back of my head despite his assurances so I think I had at least some semblance of guard up. He said and did all the right things right up to the very end when I jumped ship after finding out he was back with her. It still hurt like hell to find all my fears confirmed. I bawled like an idiot. Then I got mad at the stupidity of it all. Now Im just annoyed at my own naivety. I still dont know if there was overlap between her an I. I hope not but I may never know. He’s the only one that would know that and everything he says is bullshit. He’s been cut out, off and blocked now anyway and I’ll go back to being a hermit and avoiding all close interpersonal relationships. People, especially guys, in this province suck on a level I dont think is likely matched anywhere else in the country. It makes me want to go home.

In other news Im baking up a storm. Something Ive missed doing for a long time. Here I am trying to lose weight (so far successfully! Go me!) and Ive got baked goods all over the place that I have no desire to eat.

I also managed to hook up with another guy Ive had a crush on for years. “The best way over someone is under someone else” right? I dont know if it worked. It was a bit empty and Im so done with empty sex. I just felt kind of numb. On the bright side he was more sorry I got hurt than the guy who did the hurting and spent a good portion of the night consoling me so there’s that I guess.

Kinda all circles back to why the hell I feel like I even need to “get over” a guy I hung out with for just over a month. Pathetic in all ways. I really need to be smarter in the future and start paying attention to those red flags that wack me in the face for some situations. Red means stop Mel. Stop and go no further. I need to remember that. Maybe my next tattoo? haha