Invictus

Out of the night that covers me
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance,
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

~William Earnest Henley

Where to start, a lot seems to have happened in the last short while. I’ll try to start with the good news. I may not even cover the bad, such as it is. We’ll see how this progresses. By the seat of my pants as always.

Ive agreed to sign a 1 yr lease in this apartment in the city which I love: the apartment, not the city. I have no love for this city really but it serves it’s purpose like all big cities do. Im both thrilled and terrified that Im locking myself in. Just a few weeks ago I was debating moving back to Olds or to the island or starting over brand new somewhere that I dont know anyone. I went so far as to accept a job at the bakery in Olds, then backed out of it. I feel like Ive caused sufficient chaos here and it’s maybe time to go. That’s probably just my anxiety talking but it’s loud and hard to ignore. And then I talked to the landlord and now Ive committed to not going anywhere. Sounds about right. If Im not all over the place mentally Im not anything.

We’re still currently in lockdown but I apparently get to go back to work in a few days. I dont expect it to last long. The government is already peddling their 4th wave propaganda. But they want to hold Stampede and they cant very well do that and tell everyone else they cant open can they? I expect we may be allowed to stay open the summer and then get locked down again by fall. This is never going to end.

In additional bad/good news the almighty Himself has reappeared. Im not sure why I always think he’s “reappeared” when, realistically, he never really goes anywhere except when he has a girlfriend or I have a temper tantrum and cut him off. He’s moved to Sundre and loves it so a move to Olds would have made sense. At least if there was anything there but sex. After 11 yrs it’s still just hit it and dip except now Im the one that dips not him. The sex is always great but Im not sure why I keep sort of torturing myself. Every visit results in a bit of a self esteem crash. Being a walking, talking vagina gets old. I want to think I have more value but theres not one shred of evidence for that yet. Maybe someday. I suppose he’s slowly becoming a walking, talking penis too but it doesnt seem to bother him any. I half dont think either of us is capable of connecting any more than we already are. He called it a relationship, I corrected him with situationship. In hindsight I wish I’d waited to see where he was going with that statement but as usual, foot meet mouth.

Mentally I suppose Im me. Maybe a slightly more extreme version recently as Ive been delving back into HERO’s exploits. Hearing about 6, 7, 8 yr olds groomed and raped or just outright raped across the world strikes a nerve I keep trying to bury deep but seem to delight in ripping the bandaid off of by researching this stuff. It also came to light that the residential school in Kamloops has 215 unmarked graves so I started a deep dive into that and got back into the foster care files. 685 kids in Alberta alone have died in foster care in the past couple decades. That’s unacceptable but no one seems to care and my own powerlessness has been drilled into me since I was little. People are so blind to what goes on and I dont know how to make them see. I dont even know where to begin. This emotional roller coaster crap sucks. I liked me better when I was dead inside but I suppose the fact that my heart aches for all these kids who suffer means Im healing. I hope it’s worth it.

I dont imagine this lockdown has done me any good either. Not being able to pay bills is a stress no one needs. It hasnt interfered with my social life much. I havent had one of those on any sort of big scale in a long time. I think I nap too much. I make big plans then dont do any of them but I think Ive been doing that my whole life so I cant blame lockdown for that. I spend a lot of time researching stuff I should just let go; deep diving into subjects I barely understand that lead me down weird rabbit holes that no sane person should be going down. I probably should just smile and nod and tow the line like a good little citizen but then Ive never been good at doing what I was told either.