Something Ive been mulling over for quite a while now, maybe the beginning of a mid life crisis. maybe just me and my typical craziness, but I want to change my name.
I think it started as part of my plan to disappear and now I just want to lose the Raines and all it reminds me of. My brother has had the same thoughts for probably as long as I have. He raised a good point in why didnt the government change it back with we were surrendered back by Carolyn. They changed it when they handed us over, they should have changed it back. I suppose that’s irrelevant but it’s a good point. He also pointed out how much we struggled with our new names in the beginning. I remember that too. Being one name at home and another at school for the entire length of time I lived with the Raines’. I had hoped someday I might marry out of it but that hope has faded now. Like everything else in my life if I want it done I’ll just have to figure out how to do it on my own.
I think I thought I wanted to get rid of just the Raines but the Melodie came from them too so now I dont know how far I want to go with it, if at all. I dont think my brother will actually do it. He, too, hoped he’d marry out of it and has given that up. He’s also spent most of his life burying himself so far off the radar you’d have to dig through a whole gravel pit to find the rock he’s under, so I dont think hes inclined to have anyone aware of his existence now which he’d need to do just to file the paperwork. I hadnt really considered that part of things. Shocking I know.
Part of me feels like it would be a fresh start. Again. I could wash that whole part of me off with the flick of a pen and a bankcard. The other part just feels like it’s maybe trying to run, unsuccessfully, like every other attempt has been. I really wish, above all, I could just erase that part of my life.
Maybe that bit of paperwork will do it. Maybe it wont.
Heartache, hiccups and hope 