Square peg in a round hole

I think wanting to belong is just part of our basic human nature. We seek out people like ourselves, the same hobbies, likes or dislikes, sports teams and hangouts. We create communities and families and close circles of friends.

We get attached. We find our tribe.

Or at least normal people do.

Ive always wanted to belong somewhere. To someone. To a family, a fella, a circle of friends…Ive always been that slightly odd outsider that never fully invests. I dont know if thats a product of my childhood or just a personality quirk.

And I dont know how much longer I can carry on blaming my supposed quirks on a shitty childhood. At some point I want to just get over it. I want to trust. I want to be able to believe that people arent transient and temporary in my life. That they want to be around me. That they genuinely enjoy me as a human being with all my neurosis and weirdness and useless random facts. That they’ll stay because they want to stay. I want to find that person/group/family. I want to belong somewhere so damned desperately I almost ache for it.

I feel like deep down Ive based my whole identity and sense of self worth on the fact that I dont belong anywhere. That I have no tribe. That no one actually wants me and no one ever has. There’s always a caveat to being in my life, and always a price to be paid and Im exhausted from paying that over and over again and coming out empty on the other side. I dont know how to fix it. I am worthless and have no value besides a vagina.

I suppose my psych texts would tell me just acknowledging it means Im healing. I call bullshit. Im not healing. Im drifting farther and farther out to sea alone with no paddle and a broken mast and I want to give up trying to even get to shore and just drown already. People are too goddamn hard.

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