Ashes

When I went to bed last night I was suicidal. Again. Its shameful to admit but if I cant say it here, and be honest with myself, then can I really ever be honest at all? I fell asleep in tears and woke up pretty much the same. Logically it makes sense. I dont contribute much to the world and it would finally kill this horrible ache that follows me around like a shadow; just waiting for me to let my guard down and feel something other than anger. I dont even think anyone would miss me. That just breaks me a little bit more.
So I bury those thoughts and carry on like everything is fine and dandy.

This recent friend circle blow up has got me wanting to turtle away and avoid everyone and everything for a while. Regroup and recharge and figure out what my next plan is. My annual halloween party is in a few weeks and Im debating cancelling it. I dont even want to decorate. Im just kind of going through the motions of normalcy. Im not feeling any of it.

Ive acquired a workbook for cptsd so Im giving myself homework of sorts. See if I can finally figure out how to heal and not just keep regurgitating the same issues over and over again. Acknowledging it isnt healing. Naming it isnt healing. I always thought most of my issues stemmed from the Raines household. I dont know if that’s true anymore or if most of them actually stem from an entire childhood of being abandoned more times than I can count (it’s in excess of 30 families/times) I think Ive mostly dealt with the Raines garbage, except when my brother tries to talk about it and I crash all over again. I dont know if that even means anything in the grand scheme of things. Other than when he brings it up I dont even think about it so I dont think all my issues stem from that. Then I dont really think about the rest of it either so there’s that issue.

I dont even know if the source matters although I dwell on it far more than I’d like to. Maybe forcing myself to think about all that stuff on top of everything else is why Im crashing so hard right now. Maybe Im just a mess of a human being and it’s time to end this cycle and start the next evolution.

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