I watched a documentary once about schoolboys that had been abused and one of them said that abused children have to stay busy all the time in adulthood because if they stop there’s always a wave of emotion waiting to crush them. That resonated with me and, years later, I still think about it.
I grew up with no feelings. I was always totally numb and didnt really care about much of anyone. Now I care too much about everything and I feel like Im being crushed under the weight of it all.
I finally broke down and asked for help. I need help. I cant think my way out of this one.
This morning I was considering the bi-polar thing again but I cycle way too fast. I woke up suicidal, by dinner I was fine again. I dont even know why. I literally woke up with that horrible ache right behind my eyeballs of tears trying to break out and that lump in my throat and all of the horrible feelings that go with it but there wasn’t a catalyst. I literally woke up that way. That’s not right and, for the first time in a long time, I was half scared of myself. For myself.
So being me, and doing the only thing I know how to do, I dove into research. It pretty much comes down to BPD or bi-polar, throwing both at a mirror, BPD is the one that sticks at least as far as I can tell.
I dont even think that was a diagnosis the last time I was in therapy. It’s an illness Ive come across a few times in my reading and always kind of thought might be where Im at. It fits for sure but I kind of think it’s the latest fad diagnosis as well so maybe I just want it to fit. At least then I’ll have some sort of group I belong in even if it is with other crazies.
Apparently the treatment isnt cognitive behaviour therapy like I’d thought originally, its something called DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) which, if we’re being honest, sounds a whole lot like adulting training. It’s mostly just coping mechanisms, or at least that’s what it sounds like. Im loathe to pay a bunch of money for someone to teach me things I should already know but I also cant keep living like this. The extremes are brutal and I dont want to do it anymore, it’s exhausting…and then the accompanying insomnia ensures I cant sleep properly. In short, it’s not an awesome time and I want out of it.
Here’s hoping I can get this sorted out or they put me back on the zombie pills or something. This out of control thing is nonsense and I dont want to play anymore.