Breaker

Im not sure what’s going to come out here. I promised myself I would document everything, good and bad, so Im going to try. The font on this has changed and I dont know how I did it but it’s driving me a little crazy. Sometimes it’s the small things.

Anyway, moving on. I dont know if anything has changed or not. Ive been busy decorating for halloween and Im in a much better mood having not had the time to dwell much on anything. I had to explain the whole friend circle blow out to someone today and realized how totally asinine and childish the whole thing really is. Im probably better off although Im still really disappointed. Some of those people I considered family for over a decade, and they walked because I tried to help someone. The dragon, the origin of all the drama, and I barely even talk anymore. He got all his issues out, I helped him as much as I could and I think he’s gone back to his baby mamma or something.

Watching someone else stuck in this weird self destructive loop just made me realize I probably do the same thing. Just another thing I need to try and work on. I’ll add it to the pile.

As of this morning I was still contemplating just getting out and being done with everything. I feel like that is just starting to make more and more sense every day although it’s not coming out of sadness or heartbreak now. It just makes sense. Logically. I dont know if that’s scarier than the emotional breakdown route or not. Im sort of calmly accepting of it now. It’s a nice feeling, oddly enough. Sort of resolved and calm. I like it better than existing on the edge of tears all the time.

I’ll get through Halloween and see where Im at afterwards. There are too many people coming to this party now so it needs to happen. Hopefully it’s a good time. Im having a grand time decorating. Little worried I wont get everything done. It seems like every time I finish one project I come up with something even bigger and better that I also want to do and Ive only got two weeks to pull it all off now. I like the pressure. I thrive under it and feel focussed and useful.

I suppose that another issue I have that I need to wait until the last minute. I dont always. My Alice party was in the works for months. My last halloween was pretty rushed but not as bad as this year.

One the world front we’re still battling the “plandemic/pandemic/plague” or whatever you want to call it. At one point I was knee deep in trying to find it’s origin and everything else I could but I just dont care anymore. Pandemic fatigue is a thing. Im over it and think a lot of other people are too. Maybe because dying doesnt particularly scare me. Maybe just because the whole thing seems so over blown and silly now that it doesnt even make sense. Almost everyone dying is over 80 yrs old. Older than the average expected lifespan anyway. I think the trauma it’s inflicting and the economic fall out is probably worse than the death rate. At least here in Canada. It’s probably different worldwide.

I feel like the isolation caused by the pandemic is probably causing a lot of people to have to deal with themselves and their own issues. I’d love to know what that’s done to suicide and substance abuse rates. Ive started microdosing with ketamine. It’s supposed to help with anxiety and depression. In just a few days I feel better but I dont know if that’s the drugs, the fact that Im super busy and distracted, or if my hormones are currently in calm mode. I guess time will tell on that one. Ive just learned of the existence of prescribing pharmacists so I might see if I can find those and get back on seroquel. If nothing else it helped me sleep. It’s interesting to me that it’s actually an anti-psychotic. Maybe that doctor that ‘prescribed it for sleep’ knew more than he was letting on.

Nothing new on the boy front. I suppose in 4 days that’s not a shock. The goal is to not having anything new for a very long time. I need a break. I’ll buy more batteries. Fuck it.

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