Circling the dead

I feel like a vulture. That’s not really an emotional stance or one of my crazy-train lines of thought, Im literally circling a dead/dying relationship like a damn vulture.
And I just realized that’s what Im doing last night.

As we all know I do love me a good, solid reality check.

Im somewhat disgusted with myself and a whole lot disappointed. After all my internal pep talks about not settling and/or finally getting my life together Im literally picking at the scraps left by someone else. Realistically she’s not even gone and never really will be. This is just another of their temporary little separations. Their whole relationship is the most toxic high school shit Ive ever seen in my life but they both love it and refuse to give it up. And I know better than to think that will ever change. I got hooked into that bullshit back in March. Been there, done that and burned down that gift shop.
Or so I thought. Apparently I not as smart as I think I am.

I didnt think I could get more pathetic but here we are. Im settling for the brief 2 week interlude while the two of them are mad at each other and “not together” Im settling for being the back-up plan. If that’s not the story of my life I dont know what is.
In any event I woke up with a different brain inserted and am backpeddling out of that situationship as fast as my feet will take me.

In my defense he’s the Dragon Ive mentioned previously and we were/are just friends. Im pretty sure any attachment is all one sided and my own damn fault. Hell, he’s still even messaging her and talking about her and telling me about it for fucks sake.
I know better. Im smarter than that shit.
God dammit Mel pull your fucking head out of your ass.

Onward and upward! If I say it enough it’ll stick. Or so Im told.

In other news Im taking a trip to the island early next year. Im actually doing it this time. I need out of this godforsaken province and back to where people are actually normal and give a shit about something other than just themselves. Planning to put the feelers out for work and rentals which Ive heard are near impossible with pets. Im not giving up my pets. A friend on the island is also talking about buying a farm in Saskatchewan. If he does Ive offered to move there and rent it from him as he doesnt want to live in it full time. Id just need to sort out an income I think which is probably a lot harder than it sounds. Apparently I want out of this province badly enough to go just about anywhere else.

Im also working on another blog page but one of just essays. Time to work my brain out a bit as there’s so many topics I want to learn and study and I dont have an outlet currently so an essay blog seems fitting.

As far as the crazy Im not sure where I stand on that. I made it through a cycle without so much as a bad thought so I think that takes menopause off the table. Too bad, that would have been an easy fix. the rest all seems much more daunting.

Otherwise not much has changed. Apparently even less has changed than I’d hoped but Im working on that now. Cant change what I dont acknowledge. Right?

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