I cried the other night. Not only did I cry, the Dragon witnessed it. Hell, he pretty much caused it. To say that I’m mortified would be an understatement. How the heck did that happen you ask? Well I’ll tell you…
So he and I got to talking, I don’t even remember about what at this point but this blog came up and I ended up reading him whole posts that were about him. The immediate convo after was pretty much everything I wanted to hear, I cried, he cried, and it took me a second to get my shell back on and compose myself. In hindsight I think it’s just a master player playing a game but the little, broken soul in me wanted to believe every word.
I should have prefaced that with we were both high as hell and he’d been drinking all day so a lot of it was chemically induced I’m guessing.
Since then I’m struggling to get a bead on what’s happening. He’s decided I need to see the province and has taken me on epic road trips. At night so I can’t see much but it’s fun anyway. Im pretty sure what’s really happening is that everything that’s happened in his life has just started to process for him and he’s hiding it behind the long drives he needs to distract himself and I’m just sort of there. Part of me really hopes what he says is real.
Most of me knows better.
If he is just processing then it’s going to get rough for me. I thought I was prepared but now I’m not so sure. He’s going to try and get back with his ex. It’s what they do. It’s what they always do. I just keep letting myself get caught in the crossfire.
That gap in my armour let a lot more of him in and a lot more of me out than I think I’m fully prepared to deal with. It’s crazy to me that I find him safe. There’s no logic to it. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around it. It’s even more crazy that I’m willing to sacrifice basically my heart for that little bit of security.
I can’t even decide if that’s a fair trade.
Since my little emotional outburst suddenly he thinks we’re spending too much time together. He doesn’t want his baby momma to know I exist etc etc etc She’s a whole other issue that I’ve been warned about. He’s a collector. Every woman he’s been with he will not give up. I joke about it to him but it’s actually not that funny. I don’t want to be part of a collection. I don’t want to be another pretty ornament on a shelf to use when wanted and discard when not. Little things are slipping out here and there that just indicate I need to get ready so I’m trying to brace and insulate myself as much as I can. This is gonna hurt. A lot.
On the other hand putting all those walls back up, if there’s no reason, is just going to push him away. Am I imagining shadows or seeing fully formed issues that I’m trying to deny are there?
I’m so infuriatingly bad at this crap.