So that chink in my armor, such as it was, may have been a good thing. I got to talking with a friend of mine who thinks, very strongly I might add, that I should cut him loose and carry on with my life.
She thinks hes only “with” me because he’s got no other options. He’s got no where else to go.
And Im realizing she’s not wrong.
That realization is changing everything again. For someone who hates change and limbo I sure spend a lot of my life in it.
I stewed on it for a day after our conversation and then, tonight, I just straight up asked him: “If you didnt live here would you still hang out with me?” First he said yes but not as much. Then he said probably 3-4 nights a week.
Then he said “who am I kidding, probably not even that much.”
Hmmm….
So now he’s asleep in my bed and Im awake at 2:30am sitting in my living room writing this in the dark pondering my next move. Wanting so badly to just be a choice Ive once again fallen into the option role. Hell, Im not even the option, Im the only one left.
So now what?
Well right out of the gate all those walls that went up after my last emotional outburst just got fortified. I think I’ll start sleeping on the couch, it’s more comfy anyway, and he’s got to find a place to live. ASAP.
Oddly Im kind of ok with it. I think taking a day to process my friend and I’s convo about it gave me a chance to fully absorb what was going on. I love having him here but I dont love him. I like him a lot but not enough to go through the shit he put me through last time again and I still dont believe this isnt a repeat.
The last time when he could have chosen me and didnt.
We’ll see how it pans out. In any event at least I feel ready and wont get blindsided again.
Heartache, hiccups and hope 