Bah Humbug

Is anyone else pretty much dreading this Christmas? I used to love Christmas. For years it was my favourite holiday. Then I basically stopped celebrating it. A couple years ago I bought myself a wee little tree and gave it a go again. I remember being marginally into it when I first got the tree and now Im over it all over again.

And this year I actually have people to buy for, not just pets.

Im not even sure how to get into it again. My whole life is such a mess that inserting a commercial holiday into it right now is kind of the icing on the cake. Great, now I get to cry AND spend money I dont have on people who may or may not even like me.

Please sir, may I buy some friendship?

Face meet palm. Maybe a little harder so the message gets through.

As far as everything covered in my last blog: he’s still here. I stewed about it for a week then I told him she had advised that I boot him out. We half talked about it. He said he had lots of places to go. I thought the convo was over then he woke up the next morning and the first thing out of his mouth was “Fine, I’ll be out by next week.”

A fight ensued. Probably our first one. He apologized. I left for work mad.

He apologized again via text while I was at work. From that I had a bit of a revelation. I took what he sent to be an apology for the fight. It was a bit unnecessary as he’d already apologized before I left. For some reason, part way through my day, I wondered if his “sorry” actually meant he was up to something else.

I half expected to come home to him gone. I wont say I was devastated at the thought but my heart definitely sank and I fretted about it for the rest of my shift and my entire drive home. Apparently Im not ready for him to leave.

Dammit. I wasnt supposed to get attached.

I should also add that it wasnt just a statement blurted out of nowhere. I was half avoiding her and he wondered why so I told him. I’d had a convo with another female friend over everything the other one had said and that friend basically said it was all drama and that I should ignore it and just let things unfold as they may.

Was the weirdest timing in the world that I had just decided to do that and he and I ended up in a fight over the whole thing anyway.

Why do chicks need to meddle in other peoples shit? But then…she’s still not totally wrong I dont think and all those seeds of doubt she planted are trying desperately to take root in my salty as hell head. I just dont know how to deal with it so Im doing what I always do and sticking my head in the sand and hoping it all just resolves itself without me losing my mind or getting hurt again.

Do grown ups know how to deal with all this? I feel like there’s an awful lot of reality shows with these sorts of themes so at least I dont feel totally like a dumbass.

Just mostly. Id say buckle up bitch but I dont feel like I ever actually take my seat belt off on this ridiculous roller coaster of life.

Safety first and all that….