A look in the mirror

So it turns out maybe Im more social than I care to admit. Im unhappy with this lonely house thing. Im also anti-social and choose to withdraw from everyone and close ranks so there’s that.

And Ive spent all day trying to work out why I live in a perpetual paradox. Unhappy at both extremes, I seem to flip back and forth like a perpetual motion machine. Never really finding happiness at either end and physically unable to balance in the middle. When Im alone, Im lonely, when Im around people I want to be alone and need to regroup. I cant have it both ways, believe me I know that.
I just want to find happy. I want to know how to fully trust in that happiness. How to let all those guards down that brace for the worst and become self full filling prophecies Every. Single. Time.

There’s too much risk in that. Without risk there’s no reward. Ya, ya, I know, but I just cant make that leap. A lifetime of it never going right in any sort of social interaction has trained me just not to go there. Not to try anymore.

Even when I ‘try’ I dont really ever fully try. In hindsight I can always pick out my own faults and failures. Where I withdrew and stayed silent and guarded when I should have opened up or spoken up. I need to sort out how to fix that. Or if I even can fix that at this stage in my life or if it’s just another flaw I need to accept.

Is it really a lifetime of never going right? Ive had tons of friends. The fallouts and fade outs never really seem to come from them, for the most part, it’s me. Obviously there have been instances in my adult life where people have ditched me off for one reason or another. Usually reasons I think are totally asinine, or it’s a mutual parting of the ways, but the others? What the heck happened there?

Why dont I feel like I need to stay connected? Is that a product of a shit childhood or am I just looking for an excuse?

Comes back to that whole chameleon thing too. Im outwardly very friendly. Hell, Im a bartender by trade. I can flirt and engage with pretty much anyone but it’s all a show. Really, I picked the perfect career for an abandoned child that spent a lifetime trying to sell herself to anyone who might be interested.
Now I sell myself for tips.
And the temporary, surface level, relationships I create are perfect for someone who isnt willing to invest in anything else.

I want the real connection I just dont want to lose myself attaining it. Ive spent a lot of years putting myself back together. I dont know if the cracks will hold through too many more battles.

Do I even know what I real connection is? Would I even recognize it?

That’s the real question now isnt it. Lets assume, for shits and giggles, I miraculously meet someone who wants to truly connect. I already know I’ll sabotage it. Without knowing the person or the circumstances I know exactly what I’ll do. I’ll enjoy it, hell, I’ll revel in thinking someone actually likes me as a human and wants to be around me, until I feel like Im getting too close and then I’ll destroy it in some epic fashion.
Or I’ll just withdraw and fade away and they wont notice or care. And I’ll be all butt-hurt they didnt even notice I left which will just reinforce all my feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy and prove that no one actually wants me in their life. I just keep forcing my existence on people.

And the cycle repeats and repeats and repeats. Each time my defenses get a little thicker and a little harder to take down. After 46 yrs of this will they ever really come down or am I stuck living life like this.

On the upside, genetically, I should face cancer or a heart attack pretty much any day so maybe that life wont be as long as I think.
Then none of this nonsense will even matter.

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