I saw a quote today that struck home:
“Broken women know how to love but not who to love, broken men know who to love but not how to love“
Now if combining those two isnt a recipe for a toxic disaster then I dont know what it. Sadly I think these sorts gravitate towards each other and, far from healing each other, they tear each other apart even more. My damaged little self sure likes the ones that do nothing but cause more damage. I damn near seek them out. I cant decide if Im taking them on as some sort of challenge or if my masochistic streak really runs so deep that I hope one day I’ll finally run out of fight.
Lots has changed yet again. I invited the dragon back New years eve, still craving just a hard reset where I could go back to blissful ignorance. It didnt work…obviously. Since then to say it’s been awkward and weird might be the understatement of the century. He barely talks to me aside from his brief stint in jail where he cried and professed his love. In person I barely get grunts. He got out of jail and went right back to the arrogant, entitled guy he was before he went in. I used to like that about him. I dont anymore. It used to be tempered with a sweet, cuddly, caring sort of guy. Now all I get is the asshole. He pretty much ignores my existence unless he needs something and spends all his time buried in his phone online gambling. He’s also back smoking meth. He thinks no one knows but everyone in this house can tell. So Ive done the only thing I know how and backpeddled the hell out of dodge and fortified every defense I have. My defenses have defenses at this point. I thought I stopped caring then I heard him on the phone to another female at 1 am using the same soft, sweet caring voice he used to use on me and my heart hurt a little. Sitting on my damn couch talking to some other chick. It stung a lot more than I wanted it to and then I got mad. Fucking mad! The nerve of this guy! At least he doesnt get tears out of me anymore. Ive toughened up at least that much. Thank goodness.
It’s weird to see the guy I was told he was before I ever really knew him slowly come to fruition. I remember his ex talking about them getting married and him denying he would ever even think that let alone say it. He’s talked about marrying me too. Does he say the same shit behind my back? Why talk about it at all? Or that he loves me whenever he’s down, coming off meth, or needs support. When he’s feeling good I may as well not exist. It’s all manipulation and it’s a bit insulting that he thinks Im stupid enough not to register that’s what’s going on. He’s telling me what he thinks I want to hear. Maybe once upon a time those were the words I wanted but not anymore. That time has passed. Now I know it’s all bullshit. Does he actually think I believe all that? Does he believe all that? Does he think I cant see what is going on? Is that what addicts do? Are they really so blind to their impact on those around them?
On the upside, such as it is, Ive spent the last two weeks talking to colleges and universities about their Addictions counselling programs. All I need is 20K. Anyone want to loan me 20K?
Needless to say Im over it. Im tired of being a crash pad, even though I created that situation, and of paying all the bills with absolutely no help or offer of help. Im being used. At least I know that now. On the upside I stopped directly giving him money…because I no longer have any to give, but it still counts. I have told him he can stay here until he gets back on his feet and even cleared out a bedroom for him. Mostly because I hate him living in my living room and leaving his stuff all over the place. Now I hate cramming two bedrooms into one and living in what looks like a hoarder bedroom. Im not sure which option I hate more.
And everything changes yet again. I cant decide if this is an evolution and things will improve or if Im just digging myself deeper. I guess time will tell.
Not much has changed as far as the rest of my life. I got to hang out with my work crew for a couple drinks the other day and sort of realized how much time Ive spent locking myself down to someone who didnt even want ownership, or only wanted it when it suited him. Not sure why I do that. It’s something I definitely want to work on. If I thought New Years resolutions were a thing that would definitely be one. I missed my work peeps and had an absolute blast, laughing harder than I have in what feels like forever. I need to make sure I get out with people more.
I do have friends. A lot of them actually. Feels weird to say that given how much of this blog has been dedicated to loneliness and pity parties. I dont know why I get on these big pity party episodes or refuse to ask anyone for help for anything. That’s not a personality quirk and it’s not ok. I cant isolate myself and then complain that Im isolated. Like…WTF? I need to start actually investing in these people more than just a surface level. I need to start letting people in, if they want in. I need to figure out how to tell the difference.
Geezus I waited a long ass time into my life to try and sort this shit out. Hopefully I have enough time left to at least get it half ass right.