Becoming

I am so incredibly proud of myself. I feel like Ive grown so much in the past few weeks it’s incredible. Yes, it was all based on a boy but it’s how I handled that situation and continue to handle it that has me in awe a little bit. I am so much stronger and smarter than I ever thought I was capable of being. I think Im finally learning to love me. Im finally seeing that I am worth more than the treatment I receive from those I keep allowing into my world.

It’s so weird to think even a few short weeks ago I was struggling. Doubting my worth, wondering what I did wrong, wondering why I was never good enough. Fighting the urge to beg for some attention. Crying and hurting and just generally not understanding any of what was happening. And then I realized something, well a whole bunch of things in quick succession actually, the first of which was why did he get to decide my value?

Obviously Im talking about the nearly infamous dragon. Who the dragon really is is a semi-employed meth addict that punched out his last two girlfriends and got kicked out of his house for not paying rent for months. That’s how he ended up here. This is the guy I was head over heels for and was beating myself up because I couldnt figure out why I wasnt good enough for him.
What the fuck?
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
Now he’s definitely got a lot of great qualities and the potential to be absolutely amazing, he’s not all bad I swear (he’s actually not even close to all bad) but that’s not who he is now and maybe not who he’ll ever be. I got fleeting glimpses of the potentially great guy and straight up fell in love. Head over damn heels, gave up my whole identity type of in love. Id be lying if I said I didnt still look at him sometimes and long for that guy. I dont even know if that guy is real or if it’s all an act. I dont even know if I know how to tell the difference.

And then it all came crashing down.

And from that I bloomed. I may be the latest bloomer in the history of humans as a species but bloom I finally did. I half think my determination to seek out the positives and good things in life has a lot to do with my sudden series of realizations. Now that Im in that headspace I cant help myself but wonder why I felt like I did and behaved like I did and doubted my own value so badly.

I think my childhood probably has a lot to do with it. No one has ever wanted me, not since I was a child. Well, I cant even say that honestly but Ive certainly felt like that’s the truth my whole life. I had two fantastic husbands who adored me, both with amazing families that I was just too much of a mental mess to stay with. Oh what I wouldnt give for a do-over with the first one. Or either to be honest. They really were both amazing men and their new wives are lucky to have them. But I learned from that too. I learned that Im a runner. When it gets hard or I dont know how to do it or handle a situation I shut down, shut everyone out and run. I dont know if Ive stopped that but I sure as hell trying.

I wonder why women feel the need to beg for attention or acknowledgement. I know at the very least the dragon’s last ex did. I watched her do it. When begging didnt work they fought. Anything she could do to hold his attention. Ive watched countless other female friends play the same games and try the same tricks all with the goal of just feeling wanted. It’s such a common thing that it’s used as a plot device in countless rom-com’s and books. I fought the urge to just get him to acknowledge my existence constantly and I really feel like it’s only in the last day or two Ive realized how stupid that is. Why do we do this? It’s so degrading.

We should not be sinking to meet someone else’s standards or to fit into someone else’s world we should be raising our standards, or at the very least maintaining them at our level, and expecting everyone around us to rise to meet them. If that person wont rise or isnt ready then let them go. Maybe they’ll grow and be worthy someday, maybe they wont but that’s on them, not us as women. And we should never have to beg for love. Ever.

I dont know why it’s taken me 46 years to actually feel those words. Ive said them for a long time but Ive only just absorbed and put them into practice. Let me tell you it’s empowering as all hell. I feel almost whole, as crazy as that sounds. Like Im finally not lacking or missing something vital to my existence. Like this is me in all my glory, I found that puzzle piece Ive been missing all these years. And I am glorious! Hell fucking yeah I am!

Im going to add this here for any other women reading this. I re-read this almost daily. Some days more than once. I did not write it although I did modify it slightly, it was originally a copy/paste/pass-along thing on facebook. I dont know the original author or if there is just one or if this is an amalgamation of a bunch of different women adding to it over time. I like to imagine the second possibility is correct.

I’ve H A T E D this woman…

Actually, I’ve hated her most of her life.

I’ve fed her lies and told her she wasn’t good enough and have allowed others to tell her she isn’t good enough.

I’ve allowed her to be broken. I’ve allowed others to treat her disrespectfully. I’ve allowed her to run through brick walls and battle for others who won’t even stand and fight for her.

I couldn’t stop others from abandoning her, but I’ve seen her stand up and be a light for the world and love others despite all that; even when abandoning herself.

I have stood paralyzed by fear while she fought battles in her mind, heart and soul.

This woman has screwed up many times as a partner, as a daughter, mother and as a friend because she didn’t think she was worthy of self love or the love of others.

She has a smart mouth, a stubborn streak, and she has secrets. She has scars because she has a history. She has so, so many scars…

Some people love this woman, some like her, and some don’t care for her at all… But she is beginning to love herself (VERY slowly)

She has done good in her life, she has done not so good in her life, neither defines who she is as a person.

Every mistake, failure, trial, disappointment, success, joy and achievement has made her into who she is today.

If she loves you she will do it with her whole heart and soul.

She is dramatic and sometimes she is scatter-brained. She will not pretend to be who she is not. She will make no apologies for who she is. Never will she again belittle herself for the sake of others

This woman is a WARRIOR.
She’s NOT perfect, but she has a lot of WORTH.
She’s UNSTOPPABLE.
Gracefully broken, but beautifully standing.
She is LOVE.
She is LIFE.
She is TRANSFORMATION.
She is GRACE.
She is BRAVE.
… and she will never stop learning or moving forward and trying…
She is me and she is worth it…….💕