Duality

And so things continue. I came to a realization today while talking to one of the young girls at work. While I internally feel like quite the mess when Im home alone with just my thoughts, outwardly Im the picture of confidence.

I used to think I was faking it. Even so recently as the last few months I felt like it was all an act. I dont know if it was, or is, anymore. It’s like Im two different people. Alone my overthinking tendancies spiral me into all kinds of places I probably shouldn’t go. In public Im the picture of confidence and laughter and fun.

Except now that same confidence, that I always thought was an act, is bubbling over into my private places. That’s good. I think? Or maybe I really am bi-polar and Im finally seeing it happen. Except I feel like I still don’t get manic phases and my hyper-depressive moments are all a result of my own thought process spinning me off into nowhere.
Or they used to be. This whole positive spin on life seems to have stopped all that cold.

Is it normal, I wonder, to feel split like that? Im trying to remember now what it felt like at my low points but from what I remember it was a dark abyss that I felt trapped in. It’s like that whole dark part of me has been absorbed by this new evolution. Absorbed and, maybe not destroyed, but certainly dulled down significantly. So much so I cant even tell if it’s still there.

That’s not a right now feeling either. That’s been pretty consistent for about the past week.

I like it. I hope it stays this way.