So Ive been having thoughts, such as an overthinker tends to do, mostly related to the status of women, the roles they choose and all that jazz. Ive come to realize that my wordpress reader is somehow flooded with “relationships tips for women” and articles such as “what are you doing wrong in bed?” now Im not a snowflake by anyones estimation but what the hell? Im confused as shit as to when it became a woman’s job, and/or problem, to carry an entire relationship. When all the mistakes and problems became hers to fix? When the hell did it become my job to babysit these grown ass man-babies? When did it become my responsibility to ensure he’s happy. What if Im not happy? What then? The whole thing annoys me. It shouldnt but it does. Pair that with women having somehow accepted the need a man/women are the weaker sex thing and my head near explodes.
So my little busy brain has been occupied, needless to say, but that’s not a bad thing. I like to think it keeps me out of trouble…most of the time.
It’s no real mystery why I remain happily single. Sadly.
In other not-news our new supervisor asked me today what it was like in foster care. I told her with the same honesty I bring to anything in my life. My history isnt something Im ashamed of and I think the more people that know the realities of foster care and all the nonsense that entails the more potential there is to change that system. I still want to change it I just have no idea where to even start. Like all of my other plans and projects: if I dont start then I cant fail.
Also been carrying on with my deep dive into addiction and all the consequences of that both physically and psychologically. It’s quite fascinating how it impacts everything in ways similar to trauma responses. Im still struggling a bit with the choice vs disease model. They both have good and bad points. Being me I cant totally subscribe to either although Im leaning pretty heavily to choice if, for no other reason, than Im such a control freak that I cant fathom letting any substance control my life to the point I alienate everyone but that’s just me and my own personality. Odds are that’s the only reason Ive never become an addict since, statistically, I certainly should have. Ive also learned that the brain can adapt and overcome a hell of a lot of damage so Im approaching my own trauma damaged brain with a little more forgiveness than I may have had previously. All in all, given how badly I could have gone, I turned out pretty ok.
Im still rocking the mostly positive outlook that I somehow jumped into in about January. It’s now mid april and nothing has changed. I still dont entertain nonsense and I dont feel guilty for not catering to other peoples needs above my own. I suppose that’s why the constant reminders via the wordpress readers etc stating how women need to pick up the slack, fix situations etc bother me so much. There is no slack in my life. If you’re a man and you’re in my life and you feel like you’re somehow being neglected, that Im somehow “slacking”…ummm…sorry about your luck. Im all good.
What was I saying about remaining happily single again? Haha
Now that’s not to say that I think it’s all on men either. It’s a meet halfway deal in my opinion; a partnership not a mentorship. Everyone has to tow the line or nothing is moving forward. So I’ll pull my weight, usually and then some because I try really hard, but that’s it. I wont change who I am or how I live my life for a man. Not anymore anyway. I like this new found self confidence. I still hope it stays and I never doubt myself like I used to. I hope I never end up in those dark, lonely, heartbreaking places again. I dont deserve it. I know that now.
Heartache, hiccups and hope 