You are not the darkness you endured. You are the light that refused to surrender.
This is another one of those posts that’s been weeks in the making. I seem to really struggle to write when Im not broody or upset about something. Maybe this blog will fade away at some point since it’s not really serving it’s original purpose anymore. I guess time will tell.
Im trying to think of what has changed since my last post. Not much I dont think. Working lots, planning and slowly ticking birthday chores off my list. I havent had much time for much of a social life. Three more weeks until Im that much closer to 50. I can remember not thinking I’d making to 18 once upon a time. My how things change.
Im still happy. Still confident in my decisions and still coasting along on this newfound self assured woman Ive discovered in myself. Still dont know where she came from. Still hoping she never leaves. I wonder, periodically, if this is who I would have been had I not needed to heal from decades of bullshit and learn completely new coping mechanisms well into adulthood.
Did I really miss feeling like this for pretty much my entire adult life. Things would have been so different. I would have reacted so differently to so many things.
Maybe I would have managed to hold a real relationship. Maybe I would have managed to raise my babies rather than leave it to better people. Maybe I could have been that better person. I just hadnt figured out how yet. Woulda, shoulda, coulda…
Id better not waste the little time I have left in this incarnation. Onward and upward.
And all that.
I posted the other day on facebook requesting friends tell me what my red flags are. I know Ive got them. Probably a whole pile of them if Im being honest. A year ago I could have listed what they were. Now? Not so much. That being said Im not even trying to date or entertain any sort of relationship so maybe all those flags will rear their heads should that come to pass. Im pretty content without someone in my bubble and see no reason to change that for now. Anyway, the best response I got was ‘childish’ which is very true but I dont necessarily view that as a red flag. I still pay my bills and do as much adulting as is necessary. I just do it while Im giggling and skipping. There are worse ways to live life! Otherwise I got called out on trauma responses and questionable coping mechanisms. Both true. Or I feel like they used to be. I feel like Im overcoming both of those at some kind of record speed. Then again Im also not dealing with any sort of pressure or issue that would cause either of those responses to show up so maybe it’s just a matter of time before I find out Im not nearly as together as I think I am.
Im coming to realize that, like my newfound self, Im also gathering some pretty amazing people around me. I used to say I had a great tribe but honestly, it had more than a few duds in it. New me doesnt seem to have any interest in those people anymore. Id rather be alone than dealing with some of that nonsense.
Somehow alone now feels far less lonely than alone did a year ago.
Got to talking with one of my best friends the other day, drinking of course, and, being me, I spilled my guts as usual. Told her what is basically the worst thing Id ever done in my life. Woke up the next morning with a heavy facepalm, worried that Id just scared her off. I didnt. I guess even my worst isnt all that bad. Or she’s just amazing as a human and gets that we all do shady shit sometimes. Or both. Interestingly she is my now ex’s sister. There was a time I thought she would ditch me off because I had booted him out of my life but she didnt. She’s happy to leave his drama out of her opinions. I think it would sting if she bailed on me now. She’s pretty frikking cool and one of the most solid chicks Ive ever met and easily one of my favourite people.
I still wonder sometimes how the dragon is doing. Not well I’d imagine but there’s nothing I can do about it. I hope he finds his way before drugs consume him. I feel bad for his family, watching him destroy himself. I feel bad somedays that I wasn’t willing to do it too. I may have been had he actually wanted to stop but he doesn’t. He’s still lying to everyone and hiding everything he does. He lacks self discipline and honesty in all aspects of his life and I cant have that kind of energy in my life, not anymore. Granted he never wanted to in my world anyway. He just wanted a free place to stay so there’s that too. Ahhh well…
Im guessing that a farm in Saskachewan is off the table given that the misogynist I spoke about in my last post is the guy who was going to buy the farm. Havent spoken to him since either. No hate on my end Im just not going to argue argue anymore. I hope we’re still friends, as much as we can be being on opposite ends of the issue. I come back to his references to Petersen every once in a while. I remember when I quite respected Dr. Jordan Petersen but I feel like he’s almost become a parody of himself since he got off drugs. He’s gone from arguing gender differences, which I agreed with, to blaming the newfound power of women for the fall of society.
Bro, society has been falling for centuries.
This parasitic race to which I belong is a blight on this planet. I pray for a world bending event. Maybe not extinction level but big enough to cause us to step back and think instead of plunging headfirst through life as we seem to do. We need something big to cause our species to step down off it’s pedestal and realize we’re just another animal that isn’t even the top of the food chain without our tech. We’re just prey for bigger, faster and better equipped animals. Nothing more, nothing less. We’re just too arrogant to see it. Maybe it’s time we started getting eaten again.
And so the pendulum of life continues it’s slow swing from one side to the other.