Maybe it’s me?

Here we go again, starting like I think every single one of these things does…with a whole lot of self reflection coupled with a bit of an update.

I dont honestly even remember where I left off. Was it before my bday or after? I feel like it might have been before as I know I havent documented the events surrounding that day and it’s definitely a whole lot that I would have documented and felt lots of ways about.

So here goes….

Birthday party went well. Im old as hell and feel even older most days. I finally broke down and started some sort of skin care routine that, thus far, involves washing my face and applying old lady cream. Once a day. Let’s not overdo it lol Previously I washed my face in the shower and applied exactly zero products, including soap or make up. At 47 it’s probably past the time I should have started but better late than never I suppose.

The dragon returned briefly right before my birthday. Im still not sure what he was looking for or hoping to accomplish. He flitted in, “borrowed” money (that I’ll never see again) and vanished almost as soon as he showed up. He’s back blocked etc. I’ll get into why shortly.

My last two friends from my prior social group have finally bailed. Im still not totally sure why. Sadly they happen to also be my upstairs neighbours. Something about being the landlords favourite and not paying internet for the first year I was here, which we had previously discussed wasnt an issue. Im a little stung but it didnt surprise me. They’re hanging out nearly 24/7 with the dragons ex, the one who told everyone they had to choose between me and her. I guess my last friends from that group finally made their choice. Im ok with that. What Im struggling with a bit is theyre now demanding other mutual friends choose between them or me. Once again I feel like Ive been teleported back to high school except this time Im not even sure what happened.

And I dont care enough to ask.

The house sold but I dont have to move. Im in a lease for the next year with the new landlords so that’s good. I dont know if upstairs got the same deal but it doesnt sound like it. I might have fought for them to stay but now I really dont care. I can hopefully find someone else to live upstairs. I really dont want strangers up there although that seems preferable to enemies. It’s going to have to be one of those wait and see deals.

So lets get back the the dragon shall we. I feel like a lot of my readers are probably loudly and incredulously exclaiming “WTF!” I know I did. A text appeared out of the blue, from a number I didnt have in my new phone (although I’d deleted it from my old one as well) I dont remember what he said but it was a mundane enough convo, once I sorted out who he was. Instantly all my guards went back up and, to be honest, I was annoyed. Annoyed that he could disappear for 4 months then just thought he could pop back like nothing happened. Like he didnt literally cheat on me with the chick he moved in with after I kicked his ass out. Ummm no sir. Your membership has been revoked, you no longer have access to those amenities. I tried hard to be nice. Really hard. In the back of my head Im always thinking “what if one nice gesture changes someone’s whole life” so I try to always be nice and kind and giving. Unfortunately he just seems to like to bleed me dry and suck out my soul like some weird vampire then ride off into the sunset again. Which is exactly what he did this time too. When I wouldnt have sex with him he vanished. So at least I know why he tried to reappear.

Im still mad and hurt about it though. Ive been a sex object my whole goddamn life. Since I was a child. Any time that gets reinforced it crushes my entire self image and I feel like I have to rebuild myself back up all over again. Im so tired of it.

Ive had some random number blowing my phone up for the past week. I thought it was scammers so didnt answer until I finally got sick of the calls. Turns out the dragon put my name down on his Canadian tire card and they’re looking for him. Oh goody. Told them I didnt have him and didnt know who did and to please take my damn name off the account. Then I let his mom know CT is looking for him which led to a whole other convo about his drug use.

Which led to me basically pouring my heart out about the situation to my supervisor at work. She called me out on some feelings I’d refused to acknowledge or label. Kind of blindsided me to be honest but it got me thinking past the anger and the hurt.

Which in turn is why Im now here. Puzzling it all out as I tend to do. In some weird way I missed him and who I thought he was. He always proves he’s not really that guy so I dont even know why those feelings linger. I think they’re so tangled up in my own identity now that Im struggling to separate what is actually me and what is me seen through the lens of his addiction that Ive taken on as part of my self image for some reason. Some weird thing I didnt even process until today let alone acknowledge was an issue.

I failed. I think that rattles me more than anything else to do with the dragon. I’d never really put an adjective on how I felt but there it is. Failed. I tried so hard to help him get his life together. Like a Sisyphus with boobs I failed, over and over again, and it’s driven me a little nuts. It’s still driving me a little nuts. As his mother pointed out, I cant self blame or, as she says ‘intrusive emotions take over” I dont think that’s the word she was looking for but I get the basic idea. But that’s not how I work. I take everything very personally. I care too much. I invest everything. And I seem to keep losing myself in the process.
He’s fighting his own demons. I would have burned down the world to save him from them. He stood with a fire hose putting out my battle fires as fast as I created them. I cant fight that. That’s not on me.

But it feels like it is. To my very core it feels like I failed him in every way I could.
And I lost every one trying to do it.

I dont think that’s how those types of battles are supposed to go. That’s not how they should go. And I honestly dont know how to get over it. I go over and over again all the ways I could have done things different. Said things different. Would this have worked? Would that? I woulda, shoulda, coulda at least once a day. Do I block him and remove all access or just keep reassembling myself every time his wrecking ball self interrupts my life. Im strong enough to rebuild myself each time. I know that. I just don’t want to and that feels so selfish.

I dont even know if my inability to let it go is about him anymore or just a fight I lost and I cant deal with losing. I dont know how to quantify this loss with who I am. Who I thought I was would never have lost. She would never have given up. I did both. What does that say about who I really am vs who I thought I am.

I cant deal with not being smart enough to figure this out. Im smart enough to beat this addiction for him. I know I am I just don’t know how to do it.
That’s really all I have, my only valuable attribute, my brain, and it did me no good in this case.
Maybe I should just stick to sex. At least Ive never failed at that.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s