Ive been scrolling around the reader here reading stories similar to mine, experiences similar to mine, finding a whole host of people as hurt and damaged by a system meant to raise them as I am. A whole host of people outraged and looking for a way to fight back, looking for a way to change things so future kids never have to go through what we did. I am now trying to figure out how to rally all these foster care graduates to institute some change in a system that badly needs it. With everything else going on in the world starting with kids seems like a good idea. They are the next generation after all.
But then I failed my own kids so badly do I even have that right anymore. Those ingrained self doubts from a life of being told my opinion doesnt matter, I dont matter, creep back in and the whole idea just seems too big to take on. I dont even know where to start. I feel like I have to try. It’s a fight that needs to be fought for all those kids who dont think they have voices. Those of us who got out can fight for them. We just have to start the war. Somehow.
There was a time as a teen I sought out books I could relate to and there were none. I wonder now if that’s still true given the prevalence of people willing to talk about their time in the foster care system. I would still like to write such books although I seem to lack the focus to do it. Or something. Im not really sure why I get stuck with the writing so bad but stuck I seem to be. I know there are whole series written from the foster parents perspective, but very few from the childs. Most of the published books are religious or have a happy ending. It shouldnt always have a happy ending. That’s not realistic.
In other news Ive got my resume all renewed and ready to start putting out there. Hopefully it doesnt take long. Work, if you can imagine it, has gotten even worse since I tried to talk to our GM. Basically everything I said that I left the talk feeling like he was going to change was back the same within 24 hrs, if not worse. I think there’s probably going to be a long line of people leaving as everyone is sick of the nonsense at this point. Im excited to start over somewhere and disappointed I’ll be missing all the crew Ive grown to adore. Hopefully we can all remain close even though it looks like we’re all going our own ways.
So in short, Im starting a war, somehow. I intend to start writing again, I hope. And Im getting a new job. The job is about the only part of that Im sure of. The rest feel like amorphous goals still. It wont be the first time Ive manifested something out of smoke. I can do it. I know I can.
Heartache, hiccups and hope 