BDSM and baggage

♪♪ Let’s talk about sex, Baby.
Let’s talk about you and me
Let’s talk about all the good things
and the bad things that may be♪♪

Haha I bet that got your attention. Anyhow I seriously want to cover this because it’s something that comes up in conversation whenever I bring up my abuse history. It’s also something that was brought up frequently enough while I was growing up that my opinions on the subject are kind of ingrained.

As I was growing up I was under the impression that because I was abused I would be a whore. Promiscuous and without any kind of ability to say no. Realistically I probably should have become just that given that I also sought out approval anywhere and any way I could get it. Oddly I think I went the other way completely and I have no idea how I did it.
But Im sure glad I did.
I was also supposed to be a drug addict and a criminal. Apparently Im really bad at living up to expectations. Or down to them depending on how you want to look at it.

Now that’s not to say Ive never had sex. Ive spoken at great length about how pissed off I get when Im treated like a hole in the mattress or just some random sex object so I probably come across as some sort of anti-sex spinster. That probably couldnt be farther from the truth. I have explored. A lot actually. More than most people I bet. How do I not associated sex with my abuse? I dont know. I never have really. Maybe because I dont remember most of it.

Having said that when I first started having sex there were positions I could not do without freezing up. Even now I cant rape roleplay. I just shut down and completely disassociate almost instantly. It’s a great mood killer. Other than that bit of role play the rest of my issues seem to have faded with the passage of time.

After my second divorce and move a province away I want to say I started to blossom but that might not be the most appropriate word. I was 33 yrs old and free for the first time since I was 19. I explored the whole new world that was swinging clubs and the BDSM scene. I dont actually even remember how all that started. I think I reconnected with my first husbands ex best friend and his wife who live in the city Im currently in and, since they were in to all that, I figured I’d give it a shot too.

And give it a shot I did. I tried lots of kinks and fetishes, not everything, but far more than most. I adopted a “dont knock it until you try it” motto. A lot of it was fun, some of it wasnt but I would never have known what was and wasnt if I hadnt I tried it. I think everyone should explore that world. I think I learned more about myself as a person than I had prior to that never mind the exploration and learning about different kinks etc. It’s surprising how little of it is actually sexual. People think it’s all about sex, it’s not. It’s all about power.
A lot of it is just plain boring. Rope for example, it’s stunningly beautiful but it’s incredibly boring to stand there naked for hours while someone ties you up in this beautiful and intricate design.
Very few kinks and fetishes involve any actual sex.

I really think that’s where I learned I dont like to be a sex object. I think that’s the biggest carry over from my abuse. To slighty revise that statement, I dont like to be a sex object when it’s not on my terms. I dont know if that’s a product of me being a control freak or of my upbringing.

I also learned that I dont like having sex with people I dont trust. That sounds like a no brainer but it’s a lot more disruptive than one would think. It carries over into relationships not just casual encounters.
To be honest Im not really into casual encounters. Ive had 1 one night stand in my life and he and I are still friends we’ve just never gotten a rematch. I get a lot of call backs. I always get call backs actually. The problem comes to play when whoever Im dating starts to make me feel even a little insecure. I shut them down. I dont want them near me and especially dont want them to touch me. I also have no desire to touch them. Gain my trust and Im a whole different animal.

Im frustratingly backwards. Most women start off wild and mellow out the longer they’re with someone. I go the other way. I start off very shy and subdued and only open up when Im sure Im not going to get my heart broken. Most guys dont stick around that long.
And Im ok with that now.
I have no idea what that means in terms of where Im at psychologically. It’s not really disruptive enough that Ive bothered to look into it. Im single and celibate far more than in relationships anyway.

And so the learning continues and will continue while I learn to accept this complex mess of a woman I am.