“I will love myself despite the ease with which I lean towards the opposite.”~Shane Koyczan
I dont often post twice in one day. I dont really know if I ever have before but here I am, twice in one day.
Three if you count the edit.
I just spent a fantastic evening with my girls. I rallied the circle of strong women around me and leaned heavily on them for support and advice. Weird for me. Im not one to ask for help but I am learning slowly that sometimes help is a good thing and you can rely on it. That it wont always let you down and always disappoint. That solid friends can make all the difference in the world and I love my circle for it.
Anyway, I rallied. Took a few steps back and slammed on the brakes on the crazy train that was trying so hard to leave the station of sanity. This is not who I am. This is not what I want to put in the world. I repeated those small sentences over and over again until my little psycho brain stepped back from the brink of nuclear level explosion.
Can I destroy worlds? Absofuckinglutely. Will I? Not unless pushed to where I see no other way to make the situation end.
That’s not who I am. That is not what I want to put out in the world.
Today I felt cornered. Like any cornered animal I got prepared to fight to the death. In hindsight it’s not even a fair fight. Im fighting addicts. They’re coming in wearing wicker, carrying sticks to my plate steel and double edged sword. It’s not a fair fight. I would win, no doubt, but would it be worth it? What would I really achieve? Would they even leave me alone once beaten and bloodied, having lost everything dear to them? Would it change anything? Once I headed down that path fairness wouldnt even enter the equation. Their feelings wouldnt enter my mind and their losses, as plentiful as they might be, would be war wounds they should have known were coming having chosen to take on someone with no braking system and no ability to slow the carnage once it starts.
I am a destroyer of worlds. I have no doubts about my resolve once I choose that path. My victories are absolute and epic. I do not start fights but I finish them in such a fashion enough pieces cant be assembled to challenge me again.
But that is not who I am and not what I want to put out into the world.
So Ive opted for the high ground. For now. Let the addicts come with their threats. They are no real threat to me. Physically, I can fight, even though Im old as hell and it’s been years. Mentally none stand a chance, even at their clearest day of thinking my brain would rip them to pieces if I allowed it. The police are already aware of the situation. I have a clear conscience and know I did nothing wrong. Karma has my back. Im confident of that.
Through all of this Ive come to realize that this whole blog has been about me finding myself. About figuring out who I really am, who I could have been and who I fight every day to become. It’s about overcoming adversity that should have made me a criminal, or an addict, or just a waste of air in a gutter somewhere and I have beaten all of that. I am so incredibly strong. So I am incredibly protective of my new self. Fiercely protective. I am amazing and I will not surrender one bit of that hard one humanity to anyone.
The dragon, being a consummate narcissist, is doing what all narcissists do when they lose and trying to convince everyone the other person is crazy. Oddly I half agree lol My crazy side is something to behold but he’s never seen it. Almost. But not yet… He’s lost control of me, if he ever really had it, and he cant handle it. That sounds like a him problem not a me problem.
Not my monkeys, not my circus.
On other, slightly weirder notes, Himself also has my back. To the extent we now talk daily and he’s concerned enough about this new development that he’s offering to come down and save me. I dont know if I like any of this relationship-y stuff. Im pretty content with just keeping it to sex. Although Im not going to lie, the damsel in distress in me certainly appreciates the sentiment and the woman in me loves the “Good morning” texts.
If Im not a bit messy and a paradox to trump all paradox’s I dont know what I am. I do know I am growing to be incredible and a beautiful person inside and out and no one can take that away from me.
And if they try I’ll burn their whole world down.