It’s weird how quiet the brain gets after all the rage and fear pass. I feel numb to it all now. I think the fear and rage peaked yesterday during court and the police and all of it and now there’s just a hole in my soul.
Am I still afraid? Probably. Most definitely. At least at night I seem to be. A friend stayed with me last night, concerned that the dragon would actually do something once he found out I also got an EPO so we both spent the night jumping at every noise and peering out the windows in the dark. It was a very long night and led me to where I am now. Just done. Done with all this nonsense.
Im done allowing him to have such an impact on my life. Im done peering over my shoulder and dreading opening social media in case he’s decided to rage at me again. I will not allow him that sort of power. If I dont give it to him he doesnt have it. Ive beefed up my home security. Police are aware. Ive done everything I can do to keep myself safe. Now it’s up to karma and fate to determine how this plays out.
It got so far that I debated moving from this house I love so much; to getting a new car so he’d think I moved on his trips past the house; I debated quitting the job I love and going into hiding. Running and hiding like so many victims of domestic violence do.
No. Just no. No with every fiber of my being. HELL FUCKING NO. I made a mistake by allowing him into my life. That mistake will not cost me my freedom and peace of mind. No. I am stronger than that and I will not allow fear to rule my life. End of discussion.
In less determined news Ive now been told that I should sever ties with his family as well. A family I absolutely adore. Because of the EPO my contacting and being friends with his family might be seen as me contacting him. I dont know what Im going to do about that yet. I dont want to give up his sister as one of the most amazing people in my life. She’s dealing with her own abusive situation and Ive been backing away just because that situation makes me furious. No one can do anything to help until she’s ready. I know that. I dont want to abandon her and not be available to support her when she is ready to leave that little loser she’s so in love with. How she tolerates half the shit he does is beyond me. The dragon never laid a hand on me and I lost my mind just over threats and blatant disrespect and aggression and booted him from my life. If he’d terrified my children, attacked my best friend and beat on me repeatedly he’d be six feet under. No questions asked. So I dont want to abandon her and, at the same time, this war with her brother puts her in an awkward spot. I know that too. She’s got so much stress in her life I dont want to add to it.
I can handle my own business without piling it on other people.
Ive lived a lonely life before. I can do it again. Im going to take a bit of a break from social media I think. Not out of fear but just because I need to regroup. I need to find my peace again. Find my center and my calm and that happy and carefree woman I know is in here somewhere. That doesnt happen escaping online.
In vaguely better news Ive been learning how to do stained glass. I finally found a hobby I learned how to do before I bought all the stuff to do it. I supposed that’s progress. It’s probably a lot better for my bank account if nothing else. I hope to make all kinds of pretty things for the windows in this house someday.
Also learning how to do tarot. If that’s even how that’s phrased. It’s a lot of memorization so it’s nice to focus on learning something.
The house is almost fully unpacked now. Also good news I guess. Once I get a bit more organized the intent is to get a new bedroom set as that’s the only bit of furniture Im still not happy with.
Im perfecting sourdough baking. Bread is turning out amazing. Im tempted to try and made cinnamon buns out of the dough. It’s pretty versatile but definitely has a strong sourdough taste Not sure how well that will go with sugar and cinnamon but I’ll probably give it a go.
Dont know til you try it.
As always onward and upward is the goal and nothing will weigh me down from achieving my goals and building the life and empire I want.