Ive been thinking a lot lately about lying, liars and the stories people tell themselves and others. I wonder sometimes if people tell themselves a story enough times if they actually believe it or if they still know it’s a lie and just dont acknowledge it. Can you create truth from bullshit? At least in your own head? Isnt that some sort of DSM diagnosis and not a good one?
Im currently taking a break from social media and reevaluating my social circle once again after finding out about some good friends that lied to/about me. I get that Im controversial but is the lying really necessary? What’s the end game here?
Apparently they’re not that great of friends after all. Given the stress and emotional turmoil in my life currently Im just at the point where Im done with it all. If I cant trust the people I think I can trust then why am I even allowing them access to me. So they’re losing access.
Im not even sad at the loss. Im just done with the nonsense with a level of conviction that I rarely have.
I decide who gets to contribute to the energy that is my life. If it’s not positive I dont need or want it. Im dealing with a mountain of crap right now on my own because Im nearly incapable of asking for help. Cutting out the drama bringers is going to be quick and effective. Im just done.
End of story.
Lying is one of those things that never made a lot of sense to me. The truth has always been much more shocking and Ive always been a big fan of a good shock. I learned that young while being interrogated by various foster parents. I also learned the power of silence and how infuriated people get when you wont give them what they want; when you dont fight and scream and protest. There is power in both of those positions. Those lessons have stuck with me into adulthood. Im a big fan of power so Im keeping mine and not giving in to the drama. Im too old for that shit. Let the stories be told and the thoughts and opinions be made. It changes nothing about who I really am or what I am really doing with my life.
As tempting as it is to correct the false narratives I’m realizing, as I live my life, that what strangers believe about me makes no difference in any part of my life.
It’s somewhat amusing that no one knows or even wants to know the truth so stories are just created so people have something to talk about. Hey, at least Im famous, or infamous, or whatever. What’s that quote about weak people and gossip again?
In other news it’s Halloween today and I dont think Ive ever been less in the mood. Not even sure if I’ll dress up or not. Im working but no one else is going to dress up and I expect it will be pretty quiet so figuring out a non-offensive costume just seems like a lot of extra work for nothing.
CPS apparently has the ability to break into your house when you’re not home. That was interesting to learn. It seems my phone was only half working so I actually had no idea there was even an issue with it. Himself couldnt get a hold of me for a day and called CPS for a welfare check and they then broke in through a window while I was at work. All the neighbours now think Im a criminal mastermind as does my landlord so Im praying I dont get evicted. The language barrier is brutal. The chaos that missed call has caused seems extreme and Im performing as much damage control as I can. I love this house. I dont want to move.
However, if I do move I’ll probably move back out of the city. Ive had enough anyway.