“It’ll just be worse for you…”

I had a police officer once tell me that if they interfered it would just be worse for me. Court was yesterday and, at the first site of the dragon all that fear I’d had tiptoeing around him the last two weeks he was in my house came rushing back. I had to beeline for the bathroom and attempt to give myself a pep talk.
It didnt work.
He sat behind me in the courtroom. No doubt for the intimidation factor and boy was I intimidated. I totally froze. I had the evidence to get him locked out of my life. His own affidavit contradicts itself and lists half a dozen different names of the unit that handles his probation. He had accused me of lying about talking to anyone at that office. The office said to just tell the judge he’d given them my address and the judge would know I’d talked to them. I had copies of his other EPO and restraining order from other exes. Statements from bosses and exes. The dates and times of phone calls to probation and what was discussed (given to me two days ago by probation) Nasty text messages confirming his drug use and his horrible temper and delusional take on reality.
I didnt say any of that.
All I could think is that if I try and take him on directly he’s going to stalk me until I go into hiding if he doesnt get me first. I’ll forever be looking over my shoulder. Id have to move out of the house I adore and quit the job I love. I’d have to run like every other ex he’s had.

“It’ll just be worse for you”

The judge offered a mutual no contact order and I took it. He’s not allowed to contact me. Im not allowed to contact him. That’s all I wanted to begin with. I just want him to go away and leave me in peace.

Strategy is everything and this all gets me to my end game anyway. The method is less relevant than the result.

His sister, who I have also disowned at this point for a whole myriad of reasons, told me he’s beaten every girlfriend he’d ever had. Every. Single. One. Of course I didnt hear that until after I’d dated him. Friendship at it’s finest. Why dont women try and help each other a little more. Why set anyone up for that kind of abuse? I thought I’d be heartbroken at cutting her out of my life but Im not. There was a whole lot going on there that my little black and white brain couldnt quite accept. That she’d put her boyfriend above everyone including her best friend and her children just brings back the heartbreak I felt with my adoptive mother did the same thing to me and my brother. The abandonment and loss I felt as a child knowing my own mother loved her man more than me is a trauma that’s still felt deeply. I cant stand by while someone else does that to her own children. She and her man were here on the weekend visiting while Himself came down for the night. Her man tried to kiss me, twice. The same man that’s beaten on her, strangled her best friend to near unconsciousness and traumatized her children. Im just done. Done with all of it. No point in even telling her any of it. I half mentioned we needed to have a chat when we all sobered up and then dropped the subject. She later called screaming at me for “calling her man a liar” shortly after they left my house. I hadnt even said anything at that point. She wont support her children or her best friend, she’s sure as hell not going to give my statement any weight and Im really tired of being the bad guy in people’s relationships. So Im letting it go. Himself didnt like her anyway and he’s a better judge of people than I am so there’s that too.

As part of that cull I also removed his delusional mother who bounces back and forth between calling the dragon insane and thinking he’s an angel. And his other sister for no other real reason than she related and we were never close. His whole family enables him on the most toxic of levels and will just stand by while he overdoses or kills someone. I also removed his sisters best friend. I’ll probably regret that one I think. She was good people with her heart in the right place. I think she and the sister are so close I just view them as one person so removing both just made sense.

It’s crazy how things change. That makes it sound like it’s just randomly happening when, in reality, Im making drastic changes to my life. Drastic changes for the better I think. I wonder if I would have done the same years ago or if I really am growing and healing and making better choices.

Ive made a new friend, a former DV survivor with a hell of a story to tell. It’ll help with my media approach to the issue. The shit this poor woman has gone through is crazy and should never happen and the effort she’s made to keep her child safe should be applauded.
But it’s not. She’s still seen as the bad guy and still on the run from her psycho ex. The stuff she’s dealing with makes my whole situation look pathetic. If I find what Im dealing with terrifying I cant imagine how she lives with that kind of stress.

Our system is so screwed up.

Im knee deep in research on the DV issue. The more I read the more I dont understand why our system is set up the way it is. Things like Clare’s law might help but even that is set up to be used at police discretion and we all know the police dont want any part of anything until someone is hospitalized.
Maybe it’s a make-work project. They set women up and then have something to do when the man they’ve allowed to abuse her finally puts her in the hospital.
Serve and protect indeed.

In other life news not much has changed really. Himself is still around. Not a shock after 13 years I guess. Work is going well. I still love my job and my house.

I had debated removing this blog. It drives the dragon crazy but really, Ive been writing this for six years there are over a hundred posts here now of which maybe 10 at most contain him to varying degrees. It’s interesting that he features so heavily, comparatively. I think that just highlights the trauma he caused and how Im struggling to wade through and past it all. He wont take this from me.
And I hate that he made me consider it.

It’s Christmas season. My tree is already up and Im excited to host an orphans dinner for all the people I know who dont celebrate with family. Slowly working into yet another social circle. Still spending more time alone than with anyone and I like it that way.