Light, Dark and labels

There’s a weird trend in society right now. Everyone wants to be mentally ill. Everyone wants to be ‘neurodivergent.’ News flash: you are. But the way all these young people cling to the term is starting to drive me a little bit crazy.
See the irony there?

I suppose it comes back to that whole wanting to belong thing. That’s not bad at all and makes sense. Where it does go off the rails a bit is responsibility. Now these people can do whatever they want and just blame their apparent mental illness.

Ummm…that’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.

Firstly cognitive ability is a scale. A massive, mind bogglingly huge scale of which a very small portion is “neurotypical.” If you have anxiety you’re neurodivergent, if you have dyslexia, if you’re on the Aspergers scale, if you have a trauma brain you’re neurodivergent. Nearly everyone on the planet falls somewhere off the thin little neurotypical line. That doesnt mean you’re magical, or special.
It means you’ve got to learn to use the left handed scissors not that you get out of cutting things up.
To elaborate it simply means your tool set might not be what everyone else has to use. It might not be what society thinks you should have. It doesnt get you out of doing the work. It’s not a get out of life free card.
You just have to work harder.

Narcissim is a big thing on-line right now. Another pet peeve of mind. People are taking these psych terms and throwing them around and sticking them to people and events without really having any concept as to their true meaning. Your ex wasnt a narcissist simply because you fought a lot and he cheated on you.

Again: that’s not what this means, that’s not what any of this means! (insert facepalm here!)

Everyone has narcissistic traits and narcissistic behaviour. Yes, everyone. Everyone is not a true narcissist. That’s a whole different animal that I bet, if half of us ever truly met one, we’d have no idea. A true narcissist is characterized by a complete lack of empathy. Like a sociopath except they’re nearly incapable of hiding it. Coupled with extreme self involvement to the extent they don’t even acknowledge the world around them. They’re selfish on a level most of us cant fathom. Leaving a child to die if it meant messing up their outfit is something a narcissist would do. They’re so far outside the realm of normal that they’re nearly inhuman.

Dark empath is the anti-narcissist label floating around right now. Also not at all what a DE is. People online are a bit infuriating in their intentional ignorance. Has everyone forgotten how to even google things? The most basic levels of research (if it can even be called that) reveal that, if anything, a DE is almost worse than a narcissist. They rank high on the entire dark triad scale in psych. Not a good thing. Not a superpower to be used for the good of humanity. Not the defeater of the almighty narcissist. It’s just another unpleasant person that everyone else has to deal with. Like narcissists though, I think they’re probably pretty rare.

So no, your ex isnt a narcissist because he cheated on you and you didnt beat him because you’re a dark empath. Your ex is an asshole and you’re just another chick he cheated on. Sorry, not sorry.

Speaking of inhuman: the uncanny valley. It’s scary to think that humans have somehow acquired and maintained an inherent fear of things that look mostly human but arent in the same way we have a fear of snakes, spiders and deep water. We’ve genetically maintained these fears of things that can end our lives. But why almost human-ish things. Where did that fear come from? Was there, at some point in our history, something that looked mostly human that was taking us out? The fact that we have genetic memories/programming like this at all is baffling to me.

Neuroscience is fascinating. I wish I had the brain power to process how incredibly fascinating the brain really is. On the other hand, with all this oversaturation of misused terms Im starting to feel a bit like Tom Cruise and wondering maybe if it’s not all just a crock of nonsense. We have far more labels now than we’ve ever had. I cant decide if that’s good or bad.

Granted I dont supposed my opinion even matters much in the grand scheme of things.

In the light

You are not the darkness you endured. You are the light that refused to surrender.

This is another one of those posts that’s been weeks in the making. I seem to really struggle to write when Im not broody or upset about something. Maybe this blog will fade away at some point since it’s not really serving it’s original purpose anymore. I guess time will tell.

Im trying to think of what has changed since my last post. Not much I dont think. Working lots, planning and slowly ticking birthday chores off my list. I havent had much time for much of a social life. Three more weeks until Im that much closer to 50. I can remember not thinking I’d making to 18 once upon a time. My how things change.

Im still happy. Still confident in my decisions and still coasting along on this newfound self assured woman Ive discovered in myself. Still dont know where she came from. Still hoping she never leaves. I wonder, periodically, if this is who I would have been had I not needed to heal from decades of bullshit and learn completely new coping mechanisms well into adulthood.
Did I really miss feeling like this for pretty much my entire adult life. Things would have been so different. I would have reacted so differently to so many things.

Maybe I would have managed to hold a real relationship. Maybe I would have managed to raise my babies rather than leave it to better people. Maybe I could have been that better person. I just hadnt figured out how yet. Woulda, shoulda, coulda…
Id better not waste the little time I have left in this incarnation. Onward and upward.
And all that.

I posted the other day on facebook requesting friends tell me what my red flags are. I know Ive got them. Probably a whole pile of them if Im being honest. A year ago I could have listed what they were. Now? Not so much. That being said Im not even trying to date or entertain any sort of relationship so maybe all those flags will rear their heads should that come to pass. Im pretty content without someone in my bubble and see no reason to change that for now. Anyway, the best response I got was ‘childish’ which is very true but I dont necessarily view that as a red flag. I still pay my bills and do as much adulting as is necessary. I just do it while Im giggling and skipping. There are worse ways to live life! Otherwise I got called out on trauma responses and questionable coping mechanisms. Both true. Or I feel like they used to be. I feel like Im overcoming both of those at some kind of record speed. Then again Im also not dealing with any sort of pressure or issue that would cause either of those responses to show up so maybe it’s just a matter of time before I find out Im not nearly as together as I think I am.

Im coming to realize that, like my newfound self, Im also gathering some pretty amazing people around me. I used to say I had a great tribe but honestly, it had more than a few duds in it. New me doesnt seem to have any interest in those people anymore. Id rather be alone than dealing with some of that nonsense.

Somehow alone now feels far less lonely than alone did a year ago.

Got to talking with one of my best friends the other day, drinking of course, and, being me, I spilled my guts as usual. Told her what is basically the worst thing Id ever done in my life. Woke up the next morning with a heavy facepalm, worried that Id just scared her off. I didnt. I guess even my worst isnt all that bad. Or she’s just amazing as a human and gets that we all do shady shit sometimes. Or both. Interestingly she is my now ex’s sister. There was a time I thought she would ditch me off because I had booted him out of my life but she didnt. She’s happy to leave his drama out of her opinions. I think it would sting if she bailed on me now. She’s pretty frikking cool and one of the most solid chicks Ive ever met and easily one of my favourite people.

I still wonder sometimes how the dragon is doing. Not well I’d imagine but there’s nothing I can do about it. I hope he finds his way before drugs consume him. I feel bad for his family, watching him destroy himself. I feel bad somedays that I wasn’t willing to do it too. I may have been had he actually wanted to stop but he doesn’t. He’s still lying to everyone and hiding everything he does. He lacks self discipline and honesty in all aspects of his life and I cant have that kind of energy in my life, not anymore. Granted he never wanted to in my world anyway. He just wanted a free place to stay so there’s that too. Ahhh well…

Im guessing that a farm in Saskachewan is off the table given that the misogynist I spoke about in my last post is the guy who was going to buy the farm. Havent spoken to him since either. No hate on my end Im just not going to argue argue anymore. I hope we’re still friends, as much as we can be being on opposite ends of the issue. I come back to his references to Petersen every once in a while. I remember when I quite respected Dr. Jordan Petersen but I feel like he’s almost become a parody of himself since he got off drugs. He’s gone from arguing gender differences, which I agreed with, to blaming the newfound power of women for the fall of society.

Bro, society has been falling for centuries.

This parasitic race to which I belong is a blight on this planet. I pray for a world bending event. Maybe not extinction level but big enough to cause us to step back and think instead of plunging headfirst through life as we seem to do. We need something big to cause our species to step down off it’s pedestal and realize we’re just another animal that isn’t even the top of the food chain without our tech. We’re just prey for bigger, faster and better equipped animals. Nothing more, nothing less. We’re just too arrogant to see it. Maybe it’s time we started getting eaten again.

And so the pendulum of life continues it’s slow swing from one side to the other.

Metoo, Mentoo and the Mob

I think life, and society, operates on some sort of a pendulum; swinging constantly from one extreme to the other. I think we’re on a swing back to the patriarchy and I dont like it.

It’s taken me a good while to try to compose my thoughts on this because, like everything even a little controversial, I am full of thoughts and opinions and Im going to word-vomit them all here so brace yourself.

This blog post started a week ago as a statement on domestic violence brought on by the Amber Heard vs Johnny Depp trial. It was going to be about men finally being able to have a voice when they face the same victimization as women do and how pleased I am that the sexes are finally equaling out and then I had a conversation with a friend during which I realized he’s one of the most misogynistic people Ive ever spoken to. It took me a day to sit back and process everything he said and what it means for the future of women if his opinions are popularly held and how all of that affects my original view of men finally having a voice.

Like most of my arguments it started with a meme:

Now, for some backstory, the US is in the process of overturning Roe vs Wade. If you dont know what Roe vs Wade is then I’ll give you a brief summary: Basically it’s a 1973 Supreme Court ruling that gave women bodily autonomy and made abortion legal. The US Supreme Court just voted to overturn that ruling and remove those rights from the US constitution.

The US just made abortion illegal.

As a whole country.

In 2022.

And Canada, ever the eager little brother, has already responded by saying they’ll look into it once the Supreme Court here has been filled, which means Canada is considering doing the same.
All of that is bad enough to process but then I spent over an hour being told that women werent as driven as men, that they cant survive without them and that men built the whole world. Apparently women’s only value is looks and they only want men who are successful.
There were no other options. All of that is just plain historical fact. End of story.

As a full grown woman I was a bit taken aback to be told what I wanted and didnt want in a man. That I might survive lost in the woods but a man would do it better and that apparently we wouldnt even have buildings or civilization if it werent for men. That the man who believes Roe (vs Wade) is the reason why men cant work, have families or find mates, is correct. That basically women having opinions and rights is what is ruining modern society.

What really set this friend off was my statement that women no longer need men, we choose them. That’s just the plain truth.
We dont need men. We wont die without one. We can pay our bills etc all by ourselves. We no longer need someone to look after us like we did when we had no other options.

And, lets be clear, historically, there have been hella powerful women. Many equal to, if not more powerful than, men. It really wasnt until the industrial revolution that women became labelled the weaker sex without opinions and value, Basically 300 years ago. Back when black people were also too dumb to run their own lives and needed owners. Prior to that, historically, women were on par with their husbands. Running homesteads, homes, and businesses. And, interestingly, at the same time, in most of Europe, black people were actually people.

What was I saying about a pendulum?

Now I acknowledge fully that the sexes are different. That each has strengths and weaknesses and that they function better as a team. I fully believe that there are more male CEO’s because they gravitate towards those kinds of jobs and women don’t, generally. In the same way there are more female nurses and midwives because they gravitate towards those fields.
But 150 years ago a woman couldn’t be a doctor. She was flat out not allowed to attend that kind of school. And that’s not a historical precedent. Through most of history women have been the healers.


At some point a man decided women werent capable and women just went along with it. My conversation with my friend felt much like how that conversation might have gone way back in the day except there’s nothing on this planet that will convince me women now need men to survive.

Apparently that makes me sound bitter and like a “ho.” So be it. I’ll still be paying all my bills and cleaning my own house and cooking for myself and surviving just dandy until I find man worthy of occupying space in my universe. I will survive just fine, which is good because lord knows my men choices aren’t exactly stellar. If I had to wait for a man to save me or for one to be in my life for my life to be livable I’d surely die.

Going back to what this was originally about because I do think the two are related I do think it’s fantastic that men are learning they have a voice and people will listen.
I dont have any personal experience so can only use famous cases that I know of but it’s very related to whoever told women they were weak and useless without a man. That same idiot told men they’re super strong and had to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and if they faltered on that super strong image they werent real men.
Where does that leave men who are assaulted? Completely without a voice and dealing with that trauma in stoic silence. And that is patently unfair and traumatic and cruel to expect men to have no outlet and no salvation in such situations. These actors who are coming forward now with their stories and being believed and supported literally makes my heart leap for my species. They set the example for normal men to feel like they to have a voice and that they can get help.

I love that men can be people in the same way that women have a voice and opinions. I love, with all of my soul, that men and women can be themselves and feel and express those feelings and exist on a level playing field.
Or at least I thought they could.

I was so excited to think that I am alive while that pendulum is in the middle and we might have actually found equality.
But I dont know if that’s the case anymore. We’re swinging back to women being sequestered and controlled faster than we equaled out.

Men found a voice and used it to silence women again.

And we’re quickly heading into Handmaid’s tale territory. At least in Handmaid’s, Canada was a refuge, it looks like reality might not go the same way. Right at the peak of my elation that carpet got ripped out from under me.

Dammit.

Countenance

So Ive been having thoughts, such as an overthinker tends to do, mostly related to the status of women, the roles they choose and all that jazz. Ive come to realize that my wordpress reader is somehow flooded with “relationships tips for women” and articles such as “what are you doing wrong in bed?” now Im not a snowflake by anyones estimation but what the hell? Im confused as shit as to when it became a woman’s job, and/or problem, to carry an entire relationship. When all the mistakes and problems became hers to fix? When the hell did it become my job to babysit these grown ass man-babies? When did it become my responsibility to ensure he’s happy. What if Im not happy? What then? The whole thing annoys me. It shouldnt but it does. Pair that with women having somehow accepted the need a man/women are the weaker sex thing and my head near explodes.

So my little busy brain has been occupied, needless to say, but that’s not a bad thing. I like to think it keeps me out of trouble…most of the time.

It’s no real mystery why I remain happily single. Sadly.

In other not-news our new supervisor asked me today what it was like in foster care. I told her with the same honesty I bring to anything in my life. My history isnt something Im ashamed of and I think the more people that know the realities of foster care and all the nonsense that entails the more potential there is to change that system. I still want to change it I just have no idea where to even start. Like all of my other plans and projects: if I dont start then I cant fail.

Also been carrying on with my deep dive into addiction and all the consequences of that both physically and psychologically. It’s quite fascinating how it impacts everything in ways similar to trauma responses. Im still struggling a bit with the choice vs disease model. They both have good and bad points. Being me I cant totally subscribe to either although Im leaning pretty heavily to choice if, for no other reason, than Im such a control freak that I cant fathom letting any substance control my life to the point I alienate everyone but that’s just me and my own personality. Odds are that’s the only reason Ive never become an addict since, statistically, I certainly should have. Ive also learned that the brain can adapt and overcome a hell of a lot of damage so Im approaching my own trauma damaged brain with a little more forgiveness than I may have had previously. All in all, given how badly I could have gone, I turned out pretty ok.

Im still rocking the mostly positive outlook that I somehow jumped into in about January. It’s now mid april and nothing has changed. I still dont entertain nonsense and I dont feel guilty for not catering to other peoples needs above my own. I suppose that’s why the constant reminders via the wordpress readers etc stating how women need to pick up the slack, fix situations etc bother me so much. There is no slack in my life. If you’re a man and you’re in my life and you feel like you’re somehow being neglected, that Im somehow “slacking”…ummm…sorry about your luck. Im all good.

What was I saying about remaining happily single again? Haha

Now that’s not to say that I think it’s all on men either. It’s a meet halfway deal in my opinion; a partnership not a mentorship. Everyone has to tow the line or nothing is moving forward. So I’ll pull my weight, usually and then some because I try really hard, but that’s it. I wont change who I am or how I live my life for a man. Not anymore anyway. I like this new found self confidence. I still hope it stays and I never doubt myself like I used to. I hope I never end up in those dark, lonely, heartbreaking places again. I dont deserve it. I know that now.

Catching up

Feels like it’s been forever and that lots has happened when really not much has actually changed since my last post. Or rather lots changed and now Im back to where I was when I last posted.
If that makes sense.

The dragon came and went for his final strike. I dont even remember how he came back or why but it didnt last. He got caught cheating, he’s still doing meth and will never stop and pretty much everything he’s ever told me turned out to be a lie. It was a lot to process in a short amount of time. His side piece admitted she knew he was dating someone, said she didnt care about any of his “chug whores’ and says she’s been around for 20 years. So I handled it like every sane female. I gave all her contact info to the craziest chick Ive ever heard of. The dragons ex….and turned her loose with it. Having gone through his phone I found out he had all kinds of secrets, all kinds of lies. Mostly lies. Damn near everything he’s told anyone in the past few months has been a lie. Like I said it was a lot.
In any event he’s gone again. Every disappointment chips away at my give a fuck. I dont think there’s much, if any, left at this point.

Part of me still wonders why. Why it all had to go down like it did. Why he thought I was stupid enough to just not realize what was going on. And then I remember the drugs. He’s basically a textbook addict. His whole reality is skewed. And he wont give that up. It’s more important to him than anyone or anything else.
And I cant do anything about that. You cant help someone who doesnt want to change. Who doesnt want the help. So you let them go or you watch them die. I let him go.

In other news the farm in Saskatchewan is still a go. I cant convince him to wait a year so I suppose I’ll just have to wing it and hope for the best. Im a great deal of terrified at this prospect and feel wholly unprepared. Wish I was going in with a healthy nest egg but that doesnt seem to be much of an option. I usually do pretty good under pressure so I supposed I’ll survive this too.

Work is picking up finally. I think people have moved on from the plague and are venturing out again so I can actually pay my bills again. Thank goodness.

Also back at the gym trying to work off a middle age fat suit. Ive not been particularly successful so far but Im hopeful anyway.

So Im right back where I was. Still strong and still evolving. The doubts creep in occasionally but dont manage to take root. Hopefully that’s a permanent thing.

Kintsugi

It’s crazy to me how much harder it is to get my thoughts out on paper, so to speak, when I feel whole and happy. I wonder why that is? I wonder why that lost, messy, version of me found pouring herself out on paper was so easy or if she will ever even reappear at this point. I feel like Ive packed her away and replaced her with a version that is so much stronger and sure of herself. I cant think of a reason for the disaster version to ever show up again. She’s just not needed. She’s just not wanted.
Im ok with that.

I cant think of a time I ever felt so sure of myself and the decisions I made. Where Ive not even doubted what I was doing or my reasons for doing it. So confident and strong and no longer stewing and crying myself to sleep over things I shouldnt even be contemplating that Im a bit baffled. I even tried today to doubt myself, if that makes sense, and just couldnt do it. I tried to rethink, I tried to convince myself I wasnt doing the right thing. I couldnt even get a whole thought out like that before my inner voice shut that train of thought down.

Maybe Ive actually completely snapped and this is me losing my mind.

Maybe Ive actually completely snapped and this is me finding myself.


Maybe Ive finally reached the summit of that mental health mountain Ive been struggling up my whole life and am waving the flag at the peak like the victor I am. I hope that doesnt mean it’s all downhill from here and there’s another crash coming.

The dragon got kicked out again. This time for good. I dont doubt my decision, in fact it feels like it was long overdue and I waited way too long for the proof I needed to not feel guilty for tossing him out on his ass. I dont feel anything about it. I dont miss him being here and the way he went out, which should have been heartbreaking, didnt even phase me. That was the whole thing I tried my hardest to second guess. I tried every argument I could think of. Threw everything at that mental wall of it being my fault or my place to fix. I tried to make myself feel guilty. None of it stuck. None of it even came close to being a complete thought. That wasnt my fault, I had no fault in how it played out, and he is not my responsibility to care for. He doesnt care enough to even try to fix it and Im not going to. And all that is perfectly fine and accepted.

I dont know if he was the catalyst for this sudden personality upgrade or if he just happened to be around when the person Ive been fighting to become finally made an appearance. Either way I accept the outcome like the meeting of a old friend Ive always known about but never actually met. I’m meeting her now and I love her. She’s amazing.

I got to talking to one of the other girls I work with the other day about broken children. She had a less than stellar childhood as well. Neither of us thought of our upbringings as odd. In fact she didnt know hers was different until very recently. The whole conversation brought me back to wondering if no one told kids they were broken or damaged if they would ever have any idea. I honestly dont know. Kids dont have another frame of reference for comparison so how would they know the things they dealt with weren’t the reality of everyone. My first experience with realizing my childhood was different was only related to the abuse I dealt with in the Raines household and even then it was only after I went back to school after being on the front page of the newspaper and having kids ask me questions that I realized I was something of a celebrity. Childhood carried on for me like normal. I was only 9 yrs old after all. Even then the teachers had lectured everyone to leave me alone so my class had talked about me while I was still in hiding but I didnt know that. I only found that out from my best friend at the time who stuck by me like glue and shared her My Little Ponies at lunch. In hindsight this is just another example of preparing everyone for this broken little girl to come back to class. I dont really remember any of it phasing me much. Certainly not enough to qualify for everyone to be on high alert. I don’t remember feeling broken or damaged.

I really didnt process that I was broken until I was about 13 and at summer camp when a counsellor showed me what my foster parent had written about me. All of it was lies, which is why the counsellor even showed me, but the gist of it was I was heavily damaged and had major behavioural issues as a result. Prior to that Id never heard that I had problems. (in truth the statement implied that I behaved inappropriately around boys due to sexual abuse when in reality I did no such thing)
That was my first experience that I was aware of being viewed as damaged. It was the first time I realized there was a whole world of paperwork that I never saw where the adults in control of my life exchanged info about me, accurate or not, upon which the other adults based their opinion and treatment of me. I got access to this paperwork when I got my foster care file but that’s probably a whole other conversation.

I wonder now if I would have felt differently about myself had I never learned that I was damaged goods? Would I have grown up with the same self esteem and abandonment issues? Would my trauma levels still be where they ended up or would I have had a chance at feeling somewhat valued as a person not just a paycheque or a sex object?

I like to think I would have had a fighting chance at least. Maybe just because it’s too late now and time for that conversation has long passed. I like to think maybe I might have arrived at the person I am right now decades earlier and without nearly the pain and heartbreak and roller coasters. Maybe I could have managed to maintain a marriage. Maybe I could have raised my children. Maybe that one small change in my own childhood would have changed things for lots of people. I deserved that chance. Every child deserves that chance.

Maybe it’s something child psychologists should think about when they’re helping kids grow and find themselves?

In any event I got there on my own and came out stronger on the other side.

Duality

And so things continue. I came to a realization today while talking to one of the young girls at work. While I internally feel like quite the mess when Im home alone with just my thoughts, outwardly Im the picture of confidence.

I used to think I was faking it. Even so recently as the last few months I felt like it was all an act. I dont know if it was, or is, anymore. It’s like Im two different people. Alone my overthinking tendancies spiral me into all kinds of places I probably shouldn’t go. In public Im the picture of confidence and laughter and fun.

Except now that same confidence, that I always thought was an act, is bubbling over into my private places. That’s good. I think? Or maybe I really am bi-polar and Im finally seeing it happen. Except I feel like I still don’t get manic phases and my hyper-depressive moments are all a result of my own thought process spinning me off into nowhere.
Or they used to be. This whole positive spin on life seems to have stopped all that cold.

Is it normal, I wonder, to feel split like that? Im trying to remember now what it felt like at my low points but from what I remember it was a dark abyss that I felt trapped in. It’s like that whole dark part of me has been absorbed by this new evolution. Absorbed and, maybe not destroyed, but certainly dulled down significantly. So much so I cant even tell if it’s still there.

That’s not a right now feeling either. That’s been pretty consistent for about the past week.

I like it. I hope it stays this way.

Becoming

I am so incredibly proud of myself. I feel like Ive grown so much in the past few weeks it’s incredible. Yes, it was all based on a boy but it’s how I handled that situation and continue to handle it that has me in awe a little bit. I am so much stronger and smarter than I ever thought I was capable of being. I think Im finally learning to love me. Im finally seeing that I am worth more than the treatment I receive from those I keep allowing into my world.

It’s so weird to think even a few short weeks ago I was struggling. Doubting my worth, wondering what I did wrong, wondering why I was never good enough. Fighting the urge to beg for some attention. Crying and hurting and just generally not understanding any of what was happening. And then I realized something, well a whole bunch of things in quick succession actually, the first of which was why did he get to decide my value?

Obviously Im talking about the nearly infamous dragon. Who the dragon really is is a semi-employed meth addict that punched out his last two girlfriends and got kicked out of his house for not paying rent for months. That’s how he ended up here. This is the guy I was head over heels for and was beating myself up because I couldnt figure out why I wasnt good enough for him.
What the fuck?
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
Now he’s definitely got a lot of great qualities and the potential to be absolutely amazing, he’s not all bad I swear (he’s actually not even close to all bad) but that’s not who he is now and maybe not who he’ll ever be. I got fleeting glimpses of the potentially great guy and straight up fell in love. Head over damn heels, gave up my whole identity type of in love. Id be lying if I said I didnt still look at him sometimes and long for that guy. I dont even know if that guy is real or if it’s all an act. I dont even know if I know how to tell the difference.

And then it all came crashing down.

And from that I bloomed. I may be the latest bloomer in the history of humans as a species but bloom I finally did. I half think my determination to seek out the positives and good things in life has a lot to do with my sudden series of realizations. Now that Im in that headspace I cant help myself but wonder why I felt like I did and behaved like I did and doubted my own value so badly.

I think my childhood probably has a lot to do with it. No one has ever wanted me, not since I was a child. Well, I cant even say that honestly but Ive certainly felt like that’s the truth my whole life. I had two fantastic husbands who adored me, both with amazing families that I was just too much of a mental mess to stay with. Oh what I wouldnt give for a do-over with the first one. Or either to be honest. They really were both amazing men and their new wives are lucky to have them. But I learned from that too. I learned that Im a runner. When it gets hard or I dont know how to do it or handle a situation I shut down, shut everyone out and run. I dont know if Ive stopped that but I sure as hell trying.

I wonder why women feel the need to beg for attention or acknowledgement. I know at the very least the dragon’s last ex did. I watched her do it. When begging didnt work they fought. Anything she could do to hold his attention. Ive watched countless other female friends play the same games and try the same tricks all with the goal of just feeling wanted. It’s such a common thing that it’s used as a plot device in countless rom-com’s and books. I fought the urge to just get him to acknowledge my existence constantly and I really feel like it’s only in the last day or two Ive realized how stupid that is. Why do we do this? It’s so degrading.

We should not be sinking to meet someone else’s standards or to fit into someone else’s world we should be raising our standards, or at the very least maintaining them at our level, and expecting everyone around us to rise to meet them. If that person wont rise or isnt ready then let them go. Maybe they’ll grow and be worthy someday, maybe they wont but that’s on them, not us as women. And we should never have to beg for love. Ever.

I dont know why it’s taken me 46 years to actually feel those words. Ive said them for a long time but Ive only just absorbed and put them into practice. Let me tell you it’s empowering as all hell. I feel almost whole, as crazy as that sounds. Like Im finally not lacking or missing something vital to my existence. Like this is me in all my glory, I found that puzzle piece Ive been missing all these years. And I am glorious! Hell fucking yeah I am!

Im going to add this here for any other women reading this. I re-read this almost daily. Some days more than once. I did not write it although I did modify it slightly, it was originally a copy/paste/pass-along thing on facebook. I dont know the original author or if there is just one or if this is an amalgamation of a bunch of different women adding to it over time. I like to imagine the second possibility is correct.

I’ve H A T E D this woman…

Actually, I’ve hated her most of her life.

I’ve fed her lies and told her she wasn’t good enough and have allowed others to tell her she isn’t good enough.

I’ve allowed her to be broken. I’ve allowed others to treat her disrespectfully. I’ve allowed her to run through brick walls and battle for others who won’t even stand and fight for her.

I couldn’t stop others from abandoning her, but I’ve seen her stand up and be a light for the world and love others despite all that; even when abandoning herself.

I have stood paralyzed by fear while she fought battles in her mind, heart and soul.

This woman has screwed up many times as a partner, as a daughter, mother and as a friend because she didn’t think she was worthy of self love or the love of others.

She has a smart mouth, a stubborn streak, and she has secrets. She has scars because she has a history. She has so, so many scars…

Some people love this woman, some like her, and some don’t care for her at all… But she is beginning to love herself (VERY slowly)

She has done good in her life, she has done not so good in her life, neither defines who she is as a person.

Every mistake, failure, trial, disappointment, success, joy and achievement has made her into who she is today.

If she loves you she will do it with her whole heart and soul.

She is dramatic and sometimes she is scatter-brained. She will not pretend to be who she is not. She will make no apologies for who she is. Never will she again belittle herself for the sake of others

This woman is a WARRIOR.
She’s NOT perfect, but she has a lot of WORTH.
She’s UNSTOPPABLE.
Gracefully broken, but beautifully standing.
She is LOVE.
She is LIFE.
She is TRANSFORMATION.
She is GRACE.
She is BRAVE.
… and she will never stop learning or moving forward and trying…
She is me and she is worth it…….💕

Societal Debris

Saw a meme today about foster care, a quote from a foster kid that read: “Ive had 23 foster placements which is really a dressed up way to say Ive left everything and everyone 23 times” I was at 34 “placements” before I even reached adulthood. That is the rule not the exception. Nearly 30 years later Im still wrestling with the damage that caused.

I cant help but think there’s a whole generation of kids churned out by this same system all across North America. Now these are mostly US stats as they are easier to find than Canadian ones but either way something has got to change:

Up to 80% of those incarcerated spent some time in foster care. 25% of foster kids end up in prison within 2 years of emancipation. 65% of kids in care experience 7 or more school changes. Children in care are four times more likely to be abused and between 25% and 40% of all kids in foster care report abuse. Those are just the survivors.

In my province alone, Alberta, 741 kids died in care between 1999 and 2013. An additional 100 have died from 2017 to 2021. These kids were beaten, starved, neglected and abused TO DEATH in a system meant to keep them safe.

These same victims of a system that shuttles them around like cattle also disregards abuse reports. Foster kids arent believed. Instead they are removed to another home with potentially all new abuses and a different kid is put in their old placement to face the same stuff they tried to report.

Eventually you give up trying to change it, give up trying to save yourself and just accept that’s the way it is.

So you have a government system created to get these kids to adulthood however it can be done with little to no regard for the condition with which they arrive just so these same institutionalized beings can finish their adulthood in prison.

Whole generations of humans growing up believing they’re unlovable and flawed somehow. That no one cares, no one wants them and no one will save them and we wonder why these same kids end up in gangs as a surrogate family, abusive relationships or go on to abuse their own kids.

No one taught them differently. They have no idea what love is or what it feels like to be the recipient of it. They had no good examples and no one to convince them they had any value other than the body parts they could offer up, the work they could do or the cheque they brought in every month.

Im not even touching on the racial overtones. Natives in Canada and Blacks in the US are both far more likely to end up in and age out of this system.

This is not ok. It has got to change.

The rule not the exception

Have you ever looked at your friends relationships and thought “I want that”? Not in a jealous way but almost like a longing, like you know you’re missing out but you dont have the faintest idea how to get from where you are to where they are?

I have so many friends like this. Couples that just adore each other and have a near fairy tale level of relationship. I watch them with an ache in my soul for the love they share and adoration they have for each other.

They are the exceptions, not the rules. Or at least that’s my take on it. I also have a good many friend couples that struggle daily and fight to even like each other or at least seem to. Like being together and being miserable is somehow better than being alone. I think they are far more normal than the fairy tale couples. At best I think most of us can hope to achieve tolerance. I think that’s a good portion of my roadblocks in achieving any sort of relationship with anyone. Im pretty damned happy alone and certainly not scared to stay that way.

The Unicorn, who I know Ive mentioned before in this blog, just tried to make his fourth return in a decade. Im still “the one that go away” even though he keeps letting me go. At least this time it didnt send me into a tailspin. Mostly I just got irritated. He wants to meet for drinks. I doubt I’ll show. Im tired of the games, theyre not entertaining anymore. I deserve better and dont need that half ass attention anymore. Look at me go! It’s only taken 40 years to get here!

Weird that Ive always named the guys who made and impression and had an impact after mythical creatures. Wonder if that says something about them or about me?

In other news Im still pursuing school or some sort of retraining. I think bartending has run it’s course and it’s time to move on to something more financially stable. This struggle to pay bills is getting old. No idea what Im going to get into yet. I cant afford to get into most of the things I’d really like to do so I’ll probably end up at some crappy retail management gig. At least it’ll be a steady paycheque.

On the world front Canada is leading a revolution of sorts in the form of a trucker convoy headed to Ottawa in an attempt to sway Trudeau from his vaccine mandate. I doubt it will work, he’s too proud to back down, but the effort they’re putting in is impressive. Personally Im tired of this covid thing. We need to just die or move on with our lives. This half ass “deadly plague’ nonsense is exhausting in all ways.

Not much else is new. Still maintaining a positive focus and Im learning to put a positive spin on a lot of stuff that probably would have bummed me out. There’s a good side to pretty much everything, sometimes it’s just a bit of work to find it.