I am the sword that was sent to slay me.
Slightly bastardized from a meme I saw online today that struck a cord. It was originally “I became the sword that failed to slay me…” but the sword didnt fail. It never fails. I am my own worst enemy and worst weapon.
It’s Christmas. Yay. I spent it alone as I do every year and ate a plate of leftovers the neighbours left me yesterday. I still hate Christmas and this one was a doozy.
Now, I said this wasnt going to be about boy drama anymore, and it’s not but there needs to be some catching up I think.
The dragon got kicked out of my house. Probably long overdue by some estimations but it took him stealing my car and disappearing for 8 hrs with it to realize what the hell Id gotten myself into. At least I got the car back but my stress level that night nearly gave me a stroke. It felt like a jeep repeat all over again. Just thinking about it now and I can feel my blood pressure rising.
It hasnt been a good week.
I think most, if not all, of his stuff is out. I keep stumbling across odd socks and such but slowly all of that can get brought to his sisters. I dont expect to hear from him much, if at all. Im not useful to him anymore and he did say if he didnt live here I’d never see him, or at least that I’d see him no more than 2 days a week. He didnt lie about that. He didnt really lie about much of anything I just heard what I wanted to.
I dont know how I feel about that. Part of me accepts it, knows I deserve better and is already settling back into my normal lonely existence. Part of me already misses him being here and wants to lower myself to somehow convincing him Im worth having in his world. I wont, but Im fighting the urge.
If we’re being honest.
Now Im back to digging myself out of debt from supporting him for a couple months and alternating between taking the easy way out, packing all my shit and disappearing, and fighting with everything Ive got to get back to normalcy. Im not even sure which route I’ll take at this point.
I want to crawl under a rock and disappear. Not even over a boy for fucks sake but over my own disappointment at having gotten into the mess I got into even though I know better. I thought I was genuinely helping him overcome his demons. I felt useful and like I was actually accomplishing something and that my oversized intellect finally had a purpose but it was all bullshit. He put on a show for me and, when I wasnt around, tried to run his mother off the road in a rage. And then he stole my car and I plummeted off that pedestal I thought I was on and smashed face first back into reality.
That stung and got my hackles back up and put me on full self defense mode while I gathered all my shattered pieces and tried to stick them back in place. All those little lies I told myself about how I was somehow special faded like smoke. I have no doubt now that he’d hit me if he lost control. No doubt at all.
For some reason that literally breaks my heart.
So now I need to decide how to move forward. I finally have access to my craft room again but it’s too late for gnome season. I want to try and do some resin maybe, and get back to painting. Stay home and regroup and get back to all my lonely little hobbies that dont cost money so I can somehow salvage what’s left of my credit. After the initial crash I did what I always do when I hurt and considered suicide. I really dont know why I get so extreme. I dont have faith that I’d pull it off though and Im too embarrassed at the idea that if I fail everyone will know. At least this time that feeling only lasted a few hours, right after the rage settled and when the hurt was fresh.
In other news, not sure if I even spoke about this before, but a friend and I are working out how to buy a farm somewhere and I can finally get out of civilization and away from people. Ive been researching sheep as potential livestock. I like goats more but I think sheep are a more lucrative option. Also wondering how hard it would be to set up exotic/game birds. Apparently white peacock eggs sell for 180$ US a piece. He wants to do some kind of crop. I dont like the idea of being that weather dependent on anything. He’s only going to be there part of the year anyway so I’d imagine I can do whatever the hell I want when push comes to shove.
At least it’s something to look forward to.