Chasing dragons, burning knights.

It’s weird how some people just gravitate towards each other. And others repulse like magnets no matter how hard you try and force it.

Of the two guys I’ve tried to date this year. One was my typical bad boy choice, the dragon we’ll say, the other was the proverbial knight in shining armor. Both bailed in a pretty similar way. Both stung. Being me I was probably much more attached than I should have been. Throw a starving orphan a crust of bread and it’ll follow you anywhere. Not gonna lie, being that orphan is a little exhausting.

I thought I was more attached to the Knight. Apparently I wasn’t. Never shed a tear for that guy and have hardly thought of him since he disappeared without a word. Oddly I didn’t even fight for the closure I usually need so badly, I just kinda let it go. No fight, no fuss. It didn’t even matter. He went back to his ex I heard. More power to him.

Almost immediately, within weeks, I’m back at the dragons house, just hanging out, friends. He needed someone to talk to and I missed that secure, safe feeling I always had with him. And we are just friends. I don’t think it will go farther. I was pretty hurt the last time and I don’t think I’m quite that self destructive to put myself through that again but I guess we’ll see.

In any event I’m not writing for that anyway. The whole thing has got me wondering how I actually process things and what I actually need from someone, if anything, and what I’m willing to give of myself, if anything. Really I’m trying to sort out what the hell is going on in this mess of a head of mine. And how to fix it, if needed. That’s pretty much been the theme of this entire blog. It’s easier to muddle through when I have to write it down. And it’s cathartic. I don’t have people I tell my deepest, darkest secrets.

But I do write them down for all the world to see. Go figure.

Anyway, apparently steady employment, maturity and just generally being a mostly together, super sweet guy doesn’t do it for me. Not when it’s tempered with a lot of drinking and that never, EVER-knowing-where-I-stand feeling.

But if you’re a borderline criminal with anger management issues, a heavy player streak, and a bit of a mess I’m all in, as long as I know where I stand and you’re willing to pretty much constantly reassure me. Constantly.

Being abandoned repeatedly as a child sure took a toll on my adult psyche. Like holy hell I can’t even catch myself and talk myself out of that one like I can most of the rest of my neurosis. I can’t even start trying to train myself out of it. I still run into the same problem over and over. The dragon, for all his flaws, doesn’t lie to me, and constantly tries to make me feel ok even though, right now, that’s not even his problem, he still tries.

The knight forgot I even existed unless he was drunk. Fortunately that was pretty much all the time. And when I asked for reassurance I was met with annoyance that I would even bother to ask.

Realistically I shouldn’t need that constant reassurance. Nor should I crave it so much it over-rules a whole pile of red flags. But I do. I don’t even begin to engage or open up until I feel even a modicum of safety. No one gets all of me except the people who probably shouldn’t.

And so the cycle becomes self fulfilling.

See, I can riddle it out.

Be damned if I have the faintest idea how to fix it though.

Calculated Risks

So Ive been obsessing, as I tend to do, trying to figure out exactly what Im doing wrong in terms of this whole dating thing. That’s twice in a single year Ive tried and failed miserably in the attempt to form any sort of connection with someone. The common denominator is me so I assume that’s where the problem lies and I haven’t the foggiest idea exactly where it’s all going wrong so haven’t any idea how to begin to fix it.

And it’s driving me a little bit crazy.

Guy number one: did all the right things, said all the right things, tried really hard to quell my anxiety, made me feel so wanted and pretty and like he was really in it then, pretty frikking abruptly, went back to his ex. Tried to make me his side chick but I wasnt willing to play that game. My dog hated him anyway.

Guy number 2: seemed pretty cool, got frustrated with my anxiety and quickly turned into only wanting to interact with me when he was drunk. When I pointed that out he basically said “whatever” and I havent talked to him since. I think the indifference bothers me more than anything. I tried really hard to believe the words that never quite matched the actions. I dont think I ever totally let my guard down. He never seemed fully in it but the dog loved him so there’s that. Ive heard he went back to his ex too.

Maybe Im just the girl that makes you realize your ex isnt all that bad? Which means Im something awful.

Definitely possible. I certainly have abandonment issues, anxiety issues, and trouble connecting to anything human. At least Ive dealt with the intimacy problems I just despise being a sex object. But then I went and called in the almighty Himself already just to have a back up. I still have needs and if that itch doesnt get scratched I eventually get murderous. So apparently you can be my sex object but I can’t be yours.

So here I am, at midnight on tuesday night, trying to puzzle out exactly where it all went sideways. Wondering if I shouldnt just settle for side chick with guy number 1 and hating that Im even considering it. Really angry that guy number 2 could just drop me like I was nothing, without so much as a goodbye. Like I wasnt even worth the effort once I refused to show up just so he could get off.

Comes back to the whole only being a sex object thing Ive literally been fighting my whole life. I am so much more than just a vagina. I just dont know why no one else can see it.

I really need to work on my screening process. Seeing a synopsis in writing neither one of these guys should have gotten past a hello and they both did. Two bad choices that have since left me doubting my own worth yet again and that reinforced all my own doubts and insecurities.

It really feels like I’m just digging my self deeper into that pit of worthlessness every time I try rather than getting it together and creating a better life.

At what point do I just give up completely?

Square peg in a round hole

I think wanting to belong is just part of our basic human nature. We seek out people like ourselves, the same hobbies, likes or dislikes, sports teams and hangouts. We create communities and families and close circles of friends.

We get attached. We find our tribe.

Or at least normal people do.

Ive always wanted to belong somewhere. To someone. To a family, a fella, a circle of friends…Ive always been that slightly odd outsider that never fully invests. I dont know if thats a product of my childhood or just a personality quirk.

And I dont know how much longer I can carry on blaming my supposed quirks on a shitty childhood. At some point I want to just get over it. I want to trust. I want to be able to believe that people arent transient and temporary in my life. That they want to be around me. That they genuinely enjoy me as a human being with all my neurosis and weirdness and useless random facts. That they’ll stay because they want to stay. I want to find that person/group/family. I want to belong somewhere so damned desperately I almost ache for it.

I feel like deep down Ive based my whole identity and sense of self worth on the fact that I dont belong anywhere. That I have no tribe. That no one actually wants me and no one ever has. There’s always a caveat to being in my life, and always a price to be paid and Im exhausted from paying that over and over again and coming out empty on the other side. I dont know how to fix it. I am worthless and have no value besides a vagina.

I suppose my psych texts would tell me just acknowledging it means Im healing. I call bullshit. Im not healing. Im drifting farther and farther out to sea alone with no paddle and a broken mast and I want to give up trying to even get to shore and just drown already. People are too goddamn hard.

Shedding my skin

Something Ive been mulling over for quite a while now, maybe the beginning of a mid life crisis. maybe just me and my typical craziness, but I want to change my name.

I think it started as part of my plan to disappear and now I just want to lose the Raines and all it reminds me of. My brother has had the same thoughts for probably as long as I have. He raised a good point in why didnt the government change it back with we were surrendered back by Carolyn. They changed it when they handed us over, they should have changed it back. I suppose that’s irrelevant but it’s a good point. He also pointed out how much we struggled with our new names in the beginning. I remember that too. Being one name at home and another at school for the entire length of time I lived with the Raines’. I had hoped someday I might marry out of it but that hope has faded now. Like everything else in my life if I want it done I’ll just have to figure out how to do it on my own.

I think I thought I wanted to get rid of just the Raines but the Melodie came from them too so now I dont know how far I want to go with it, if at all. I dont think my brother will actually do it. He, too, hoped he’d marry out of it and has given that up. He’s also spent most of his life burying himself so far off the radar you’d have to dig through a whole gravel pit to find the rock he’s under, so I dont think hes inclined to have anyone aware of his existence now which he’d need to do just to file the paperwork. I hadnt really considered that part of things. Shocking I know.

Part of me feels like it would be a fresh start. Again. I could wash that whole part of me off with the flick of a pen and a bankcard. The other part just feels like it’s maybe trying to run, unsuccessfully, like every other attempt has been. I really wish, above all, I could just erase that part of my life.

Maybe that bit of paperwork will do it. Maybe it wont.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance,
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

~William Earnest Henley

Where to start, a lot seems to have happened in the last short while. I’ll try to start with the good news. I may not even cover the bad, such as it is. We’ll see how this progresses. By the seat of my pants as always.

Ive agreed to sign a 1 yr lease in this apartment in the city which I love: the apartment, not the city. I have no love for this city really but it serves it’s purpose like all big cities do. Im both thrilled and terrified that Im locking myself in. Just a few weeks ago I was debating moving back to Olds or to the island or starting over brand new somewhere that I dont know anyone. I went so far as to accept a job at the bakery in Olds, then backed out of it. I feel like Ive caused sufficient chaos here and it’s maybe time to go. That’s probably just my anxiety talking but it’s loud and hard to ignore. And then I talked to the landlord and now Ive committed to not going anywhere. Sounds about right. If Im not all over the place mentally Im not anything.

We’re still currently in lockdown but I apparently get to go back to work in a few days. I dont expect it to last long. The government is already peddling their 4th wave propaganda. But they want to hold Stampede and they cant very well do that and tell everyone else they cant open can they? I expect we may be allowed to stay open the summer and then get locked down again by fall. This is never going to end.

In additional bad/good news the almighty Himself has reappeared. Im not sure why I always think he’s “reappeared” when, realistically, he never really goes anywhere except when he has a girlfriend or I have a temper tantrum and cut him off. He’s moved to Sundre and loves it so a move to Olds would have made sense. At least if there was anything there but sex. After 11 yrs it’s still just hit it and dip except now Im the one that dips not him. The sex is always great but Im not sure why I keep sort of torturing myself. Every visit results in a bit of a self esteem crash. Being a walking, talking vagina gets old. I want to think I have more value but theres not one shred of evidence for that yet. Maybe someday. I suppose he’s slowly becoming a walking, talking penis too but it doesnt seem to bother him any. I half dont think either of us is capable of connecting any more than we already are. He called it a relationship, I corrected him with situationship. In hindsight I wish I’d waited to see where he was going with that statement but as usual, foot meet mouth.

Mentally I suppose Im me. Maybe a slightly more extreme version recently as Ive been delving back into HERO’s exploits. Hearing about 6, 7, 8 yr olds groomed and raped or just outright raped across the world strikes a nerve I keep trying to bury deep but seem to delight in ripping the bandaid off of by researching this stuff. It also came to light that the residential school in Kamloops has 215 unmarked graves so I started a deep dive into that and got back into the foster care files. 685 kids in Alberta alone have died in foster care in the past couple decades. That’s unacceptable but no one seems to care and my own powerlessness has been drilled into me since I was little. People are so blind to what goes on and I dont know how to make them see. I dont even know where to begin. This emotional roller coaster crap sucks. I liked me better when I was dead inside but I suppose the fact that my heart aches for all these kids who suffer means Im healing. I hope it’s worth it.

I dont imagine this lockdown has done me any good either. Not being able to pay bills is a stress no one needs. It hasnt interfered with my social life much. I havent had one of those on any sort of big scale in a long time. I think I nap too much. I make big plans then dont do any of them but I think Ive been doing that my whole life so I cant blame lockdown for that. I spend a lot of time researching stuff I should just let go; deep diving into subjects I barely understand that lead me down weird rabbit holes that no sane person should be going down. I probably should just smile and nod and tow the line like a good little citizen but then Ive never been good at doing what I was told either.

Down the rabbit hole

As Ive mentioned before I’d very much like to pursue a career in psychology. Presently that will pretty much take a miracle in the form of a lottery win but at least it’s some sort of potentially attainable goal. Someday. As part of that interest I read psych text books for fun. Yes, for fun. I tend to focus on the areas of healing from trauma and issues surrounding that because that’s me. Im relatively self aware in that sense at least. I cant afford the schooling but I still like to learn it and Im fascinated by how all this book knowledge actually applies to real world situations and people. Another consequence of that, aside from ‘diagnosing’ those around me, is I tend to identify with certain diagnosis. Im diagnosing myself. If that’s even a thing. On the upside maybe it will lead to me actually healing at some point and being able to have a normal adult life. Someday. Really there is no downside and I feel a lot less lost and out of control and like there’s actual hope. And I dont think Im that far off. Im hoping to go talk to a clinical psych and see what they say but that’s another someday. Im not even working right now due to another lockdown so theres no money for therapy in the budget but there will be…someday.

Ive always kinda wrestled with the possibility that I am bipolar. My biological mother is and it has a genetic component but I dont really have the highs and lows like I should. Im normal and I crash. Those crashes are always preceeded by some sort of incident or event in my life that usually dredges up all those feelings of worthlessness and abandonment Ive carried around and tried to bury since I was a child. My best friend thinks Im depressed but I dont think that fits either. I have depressive episodes. I also have social anxiety, abandonment issues, impulse issues and an oversized self-destructive streak. These are all labels it’s taken me years to work out. Despite decades of therapy as a child and teen, and then as an adult when it all started to go sideways, Ive never really been told what my actual diagnosis is or how to overcome it for that matter. Ive had to figure it all out on my own.

Ive run the gauntlet of options and rifled through the DSM, knocking off options as I go. Im surprisingly sane. I thought I’d be disappointed but Im not. I’d rather be more sane than not it seems.

And here is where I sit now. Im relatively sure Ive got borderline personality disorder, BPD. In the grand scheme of mental illness its not a bad one to have and it can be beat without heavy medication or a stint in a padded room. It explains everything including why I can literally talk myself up or down out of an ‘episode.’ The cutting, the suicidal thoughts, the self destructive behaviour, and overreactions to varied emotional situations. It’s all there and all stuff Ive slowly been getting better at managing. Considering the plethora of things I could have wrong with me I can deal with this one I think. And Ive been doing all the right things already. Additionally it’s actually a reactionary ‘illness’ caused by trauma. It’s not something I was born with or something I’d consider wrong with me. I was made into this, I didnt start this way. So there’s a person before all of this that I can still try and get back to. Someday.

In the process of working that out I stumbled upon NARM (neuroaffective relational model) NARM offers an explanation of the reactions that occur in the various mood disorders and how those reactions come to be behaviours. Basically how trauma creates a survival mode and how that differs, and is the same, for all trauma survivors. It also offers, and is primarily concerned with, healing and overcoming those behaviours which is where I latched on. NARM essentially postulates that childhood trauma doesnt define a person but it creates a series of survival mechanisms that serve no purpose to an adult. Rather than the hardwired destruction, you’re-permanently-broken theories that prevade child psychology/psychiatry it explains why various thought processes occur and how to combat them. It’s about learning to let go of those behaviours and kind of becoming who you were always meant to be, as though that person exists somewhere buried beneath layers of survivor armor. It offers hope and that’s probably why I latched on to it. I could use some hope.

All that being said NARM is fairly new, still unproven and goes against pretty much every other theory out there. Including things like brain scans of neglected and abused kids proving their brains are rewired so there’s that. Ive never had a brain scan and Im a big fan of ‘ignorance is bliss.’ If I dont have proof that Im wired wrong well then I must not be and I can be fixed. I can overcome all the crap Ive armored myself with my whole life. Someday.

That may also mean Im setting myself up for the crash to crush all previous crashes. I guess time will tell.

Permission

What a difference two short weeks can make. Ive parted ways with the guy I was smitten with. He’s gone back to his ex and Ive dealt with the sting of once again not being good enough. For once, instead of fighting it, I fully embraced all those feelings, as silly as they may have been, and felt them all deeply and survived it. I gave myself permission to hurt, to cry and to be a little bit heartbroken for a while instead of going straight to blind rage. Something I dont think Ive ever really done before so I hope that means Im healing and learning.

Time will tell I suppose.

In hindsight Im now trying to wrestle through why I got so attached to him to begin with. Logically it makes no sense. Im not the co-dependent type, nor am I particularly emotional and I rarely think I get attached to anything human (animals are a whole different ballgame.) I knew going in that I was likely being used and played and that thought always floated in the back of my head despite his assurances so I think I had at least some semblance of guard up. He said and did all the right things right up to the very end when I jumped ship after finding out he was back with her. It still hurt like hell to find all my fears confirmed. I bawled like an idiot. Then I got mad at the stupidity of it all. Now Im just annoyed at my own naivety. I still dont know if there was overlap between her an I. I hope not but I may never know. He’s the only one that would know that and everything he says is bullshit. He’s been cut out, off and blocked now anyway and I’ll go back to being a hermit and avoiding all close interpersonal relationships. People, especially guys, in this province suck on a level I dont think is likely matched anywhere else in the country. It makes me want to go home.

In other news Im baking up a storm. Something Ive missed doing for a long time. Here I am trying to lose weight (so far successfully! Go me!) and Ive got baked goods all over the place that I have no desire to eat.

I also managed to hook up with another guy Ive had a crush on for years. “The best way over someone is under someone else” right? I dont know if it worked. It was a bit empty and Im so done with empty sex. I just felt kind of numb. On the bright side he was more sorry I got hurt than the guy who did the hurting and spent a good portion of the night consoling me so there’s that I guess.

Kinda all circles back to why the hell I feel like I even need to “get over” a guy I hung out with for just over a month. Pathetic in all ways. I really need to be smarter in the future and start paying attention to those red flags that wack me in the face for some situations. Red means stop Mel. Stop and go no further. I need to remember that. Maybe my next tattoo? haha

When the crazy escapes

So anyone following this is going to know I have issues. Hell I think even my issues have issues. Ive worked really hard my whole life to overcome a lot of it but I dont harbour any illusions that Im not a management nightmare for anyone trying to exist in my bubble. Some survive it, most dont. I dont blame them. Im kind of a mess.

As part of that mess I have some pretty severe abandonment issues, self worth issues and trust issues. They pretty much make dating me impossible. Im always waiting for it to go wrong to the extent that it almost becomes a self fullfilling prophecy and Im the master of self sabotage. I just kind of accepted that I’d always be alone. I dont know if I was ever ok with that fact. It pretty much reinforced that I wasnt worth anyone’s time but that was my reality. It is what it is. Or, rather, it was what it was.

And this poor guy, who Ive known for about 7 months and only been hanging out with and talking to in any sort of semi-dating capacity for a month-ish got to deal with the full brunt of my ‘crazy’ yesterday. He had to drive his ex somewhere, basically toodle around and run “errands’ with her. Neither of them told me so I found out in the most backwards fashion and, of course, my little unwanted soul assumed the worst. Here he was going back to her and all the stuff we had discussed and done was just a revenge plot meant to piss her off. I was nothing but a pawn. I tried to bolt, as My first reflex is flight. He wasnt having it and more or less chased me down. Apparently he thinks Im worth hanging on to. I almost cried at the sheer effort he put into hunting me down and calming me once he found me. I wish I could process that effort deeply enough that I actually believed it meant something so I could stop waiting for it all to go sideways.

And stop being a flight risk.

On the upside he sat me down and we talked it out and he calmed me down and we came up with a battle plan for next time it happens. I wish it wouldnt but I know it will. I don’t think he has any idea what he’s gotten himself into or how much work I’m going to be. I wish I wasn’t but I don’t know how to let go of that hard shell I’ve grown over the years. Nor do I know how to not bolt at the first sign of anything my anxiety says is fishy. Whether it’s actually fishy or not. At some point I need to just surrender and just enjoy life, enjoy his company and give him a chance to be who he says he is. It cant always be fight or flight. What an exhausting way to live life.

And an enormous amount of work for anyone trying to insert themselves into my life. No one in their right mind would tolerate someone who sees shadows and imagines elaborate ways things will probably go wrong.

Fingers crossed this one is different.

Double sided happiness

I find it infinitely harder to write when Im happy and Im happy right now so Im not really sure how this is going to go.

Ive met a boy. A man really and we didnt just meet, we met quite a while ago. But it’s complicated. Oh so very fucking complicated that I tend to stew on the enormity of what is going on whenever he isnt around.

Fortunately that’s not very often.

He was dating a friend. They were off and on for years apparently (that was before I even met her or knew he existed) When I came into the picture, fresh faced and oblivious to the drama. They had broken up for the umpteenth time and he wanted to ask me out for dinner. I was the new girl after all. Fresh meat so to speak.

I tried to do the right thing and ask her if it would be ok. She was already with someone else after all; in fact they were on vacation together when I asked. She said no, on the pretense that he was only talking to me to piss her off, then promptly ditched the other guy and got back together with him.

And left my head spinning at the high school level drama of it all.

I then spent the next 3 months watching them fight constantly. Listened to her talk about him like he was some wife beating antichrist, watched her sneak around on him with the other guy and basically slowly had most of the respect I had for her erode away. Then they broke up again. And again….and again.

It’s now six months after the original dinner request. He says they’ve been broken up for a couple months but I dont entirely believe that. She’s once again back with the other guy.

And I accepted that dinner invite. I didnt even ask this time.

I cant decide if that makes me a horrible female or what. That is a girl code violation. I think. Except Ive backed away from her and have been doing so for a while now. She got black out drunk a while ago, which is fine, Ive done it lots, but she turned into a psycho basket case and sat in the bar louding telling anyone who would listen what a piece of shit this guy is. While he sat at the bar and listened. And he never said a word to her in his defence. Everyone at the bar defended him of course but his supposed girlfriend had nothing nice to say. Not even slightly nice. The fact that he didnt react called into question this terrifying rage monster she had made him out to be. That and a couple other, similar, incidents really made me step back and re-evaluate. I still dont know why she was with him when she clearly had nothing nice to say and never really has said anything good about him ever.

For the first bit I was waiting for it just to be a game to piss her off. I told him I didnt want anyone to know, that I didnt trust this wasnt just an elaborate revenge plan and that I was just a pawn. He was ok with staying under the radar to prove it. The communication is insane. Ive never met someone that I can straight up say whats on my mind and we hash it out. No fighting, no craziness and Im not afraid to say whats on my mind regardless of how crazy or out in left field it might be. He just kinda listens and spends an inordinate amount of time calming my fears that this is all a game he’s playing. Im still waiting for the scary wife beating monster to show up. Does he have anger issues? Definitely, but not once have I been afraid they’d be directed at me despite raising some pretty outlandish, girlie, fears. Granted we’ve only been talking and hanging out for a few weeks so maybe that’s all still coming. So far he’s been very sweet, seems genuinely interested in who I am and I finally feel pretty and valued and not like Im a walking vagina. It’s been a very, very long time since anyone made me feel that way.
Im so bad at the relationship thing and it’s been so many years since Ive even tried it Im really hoping I dont screw this up. He’s kinda cool and I like him a lot.

In the meantime all my fears about the possible upheaval it might cause in the bar crew were entirely unfounded. We just went public a day ago. Most people are thrilled for both of us which is a relief. I had it in my head I would be seen as a homewrecker, one of ‘those’ scummy ladies that sidles in and causes shit. Apparently most of the bar crew is just glad they wont have to listen to the two of them scream at each other anymore and they are genuinely happy for both of us.

Maybe we’ll both have a chance at finding happiness. So far so good.

Trauma response

This was copied/ pasted from “Little Hood, Little Hippie” Facebook page. Author credit at the end. Ive hopefully managed to reformat it correctly but this seemed particularly fitting for this blog. It got me crying so if you’re a mess like me have tissues handy. How does someone overcome this? It’s all fine and dandy to put a name on it but how do you fix it?

******

This. Hits. Hard. The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response.

Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you.

From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you.

From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart.

From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave.

From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.

From all the lies and all the betrayals.

You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.

Extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE.

You learnt: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball… because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY right?

You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you. Extreme-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak.

So, you don’t trust anyone.

And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people.

To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable.“Never again,” you vow.

But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall.

Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either.

Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming.

It’s a trauma response.The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed.

  • You are worthy of having support.
  • You are worthy of having true partnership.
  • You are worthy of love.
  • You are worthy of having your heart held.
  • You are worthy to be adored.
  • You are worthy to be cherished.
  • You are worthy to have someone say, “You rest. I got this.” And actually deliver on that promise.
  • You are worthy to receive.
  • You are worthy to receive.
  • You are worthy.
  • You don’t have to earn it.
  • You don’t have to prove it.
  • You don’t have to bargain for it.
  • You don’t have to beg for it.
  • You are worthy.
  • Worthy.
  • Simply because you exist

-Jamila White, @inspiredjamila

-photo credit: Randy Orange