Societal Debris

Saw a meme today about foster care, a quote from a foster kid that read: “Ive had 23 foster placements which is really a dressed up way to say Ive left everything and everyone 23 times” I was at 34 “placements” before I even reached adulthood. That is the rule not the exception. Nearly 30 years later Im still wrestling with the damage that caused.

I cant help but think there’s a whole generation of kids churned out by this same system all across North America. Now these are mostly US stats as they are easier to find than Canadian ones but either way something has got to change:

Up to 80% of those incarcerated spent some time in foster care. 25% of foster kids end up in prison within 2 years of emancipation. 65% of kids in care experience 7 or more school changes. Children in care are four times more likely to be abused and between 25% and 40% of all kids in foster care report abuse. Those are just the survivors.

In my province alone, Alberta, 741 kids died in care between 1999 and 2013. An additional 100 have died from 2017 to 2021. These kids were beaten, starved, neglected and abused TO DEATH in a system meant to keep them safe.

These same victims of a system that shuttles them around like cattle also disregards abuse reports. Foster kids arent believed. Instead they are removed to another home with potentially all new abuses and a different kid is put in their old placement to face the same stuff they tried to report.

Eventually you give up trying to change it, give up trying to save yourself and just accept that’s the way it is.

So you have a government system created to get these kids to adulthood however it can be done with little to no regard for the condition with which they arrive just so these same institutionalized beings can finish their adulthood in prison.

Whole generations of humans growing up believing they’re unlovable and flawed somehow. That no one cares, no one wants them and no one will save them and we wonder why these same kids end up in gangs as a surrogate family, abusive relationships or go on to abuse their own kids.

No one taught them differently. They have no idea what love is or what it feels like to be the recipient of it. They had no good examples and no one to convince them they had any value other than the body parts they could offer up, the work they could do or the cheque they brought in every month.

Im not even touching on the racial overtones. Natives in Canada and Blacks in the US are both far more likely to end up in and age out of this system.

This is not ok. It has got to change.

The rule not the exception

Have you ever looked at your friends relationships and thought “I want that”? Not in a jealous way but almost like a longing, like you know you’re missing out but you dont have the faintest idea how to get from where you are to where they are?

I have so many friends like this. Couples that just adore each other and have a near fairy tale level of relationship. I watch them with an ache in my soul for the love they share and adoration they have for each other.

They are the exceptions, not the rules. Or at least that’s my take on it. I also have a good many friend couples that struggle daily and fight to even like each other or at least seem to. Like being together and being miserable is somehow better than being alone. I think they are far more normal than the fairy tale couples. At best I think most of us can hope to achieve tolerance. I think that’s a good portion of my roadblocks in achieving any sort of relationship with anyone. Im pretty damned happy alone and certainly not scared to stay that way.

The Unicorn, who I know Ive mentioned before in this blog, just tried to make his fourth return in a decade. Im still “the one that go away” even though he keeps letting me go. At least this time it didnt send me into a tailspin. Mostly I just got irritated. He wants to meet for drinks. I doubt I’ll show. Im tired of the games, theyre not entertaining anymore. I deserve better and dont need that half ass attention anymore. Look at me go! It’s only taken 40 years to get here!

Weird that Ive always named the guys who made and impression and had an impact after mythical creatures. Wonder if that says something about them or about me?

In other news Im still pursuing school or some sort of retraining. I think bartending has run it’s course and it’s time to move on to something more financially stable. This struggle to pay bills is getting old. No idea what Im going to get into yet. I cant afford to get into most of the things I’d really like to do so I’ll probably end up at some crappy retail management gig. At least it’ll be a steady paycheque.

On the world front Canada is leading a revolution of sorts in the form of a trucker convoy headed to Ottawa in an attempt to sway Trudeau from his vaccine mandate. I doubt it will work, he’s too proud to back down, but the effort they’re putting in is impressive. Personally Im tired of this covid thing. We need to just die or move on with our lives. This half ass “deadly plague’ nonsense is exhausting in all ways.

Not much else is new. Still maintaining a positive focus and Im learning to put a positive spin on a lot of stuff that probably would have bummed me out. There’s a good side to pretty much everything, sometimes it’s just a bit of work to find it.

The power of will

So Ive never really been one to make new years resolutions persay. I have issues with failing at things and those are always something people inevitably fail at. That being said there were things I decided I would do this year. More of a change of perspective than a resolution. I want to stop even noticing the negatives and focus on the positives in all things. Only the positives. I feel like just a small thing like that might change my outlook on life a lot.

Granted Im not really the most negative person as it is but still, every little bit helps.

I watched this social media thing, I cant remember what platform, that talked about becoming your thoughts basically. The premise with that was that if you thought you were beautiful and dressed as such and told yourself that you were beautiful daily not only would you believe it but others would follow suit. Like if you believe something hard enough you make it happen.

We all know about the self fulfilling prophecy of negative thoughts. What if positives had the same kind of power. What if you could will goodness into your life and the lives of others just by focusing on it?

Seems worth a try at least. I cant tell yet if it’s working but I’ll keep you posted!

Love is just a word between addict and manipulation

I saw a quote today that struck home:
Broken women know how to love but not who to love, broken men know who to love but not how to love
Now if combining those two isnt a recipe for a toxic disaster then I dont know what it. Sadly I think these sorts gravitate towards each other and, far from healing each other, they tear each other apart even more. My damaged little self sure likes the ones that do nothing but cause more damage. I damn near seek them out. I cant decide if Im taking them on as some sort of challenge or if my masochistic streak really runs so deep that I hope one day I’ll finally run out of fight.

Lots has changed yet again. I invited the dragon back New years eve, still craving just a hard reset where I could go back to blissful ignorance. It didnt work…obviously. Since then to say it’s been awkward and weird might be the understatement of the century. He barely talks to me aside from his brief stint in jail where he cried and professed his love. In person I barely get grunts. He got out of jail and went right back to the arrogant, entitled guy he was before he went in. I used to like that about him. I dont anymore. It used to be tempered with a sweet, cuddly, caring sort of guy. Now all I get is the asshole. He pretty much ignores my existence unless he needs something and spends all his time buried in his phone online gambling. So Ive done the only thing I know how and backpeddled the hell out of dodge and fortified every defense I have. My defenses have defenses at this point. I thought I stopped caring then I heard him on the phone to another female at 1 am using the same soft, sweet caring voice he used to use on me and my heart hurt a little. Sitting on my damn couch talking to some other chick. It stung a lot more than I wanted it to and then I got mad. Fucking mad! The nerve of this guy! At least he doesnt get tears out of me anymore. Ive toughened up at least that much. Thank goodness.

It’s weird to see the guy I was told he was before I ever really knew him slowly come to fruition. I remember his ex talking about them getting married and him denying he would ever even think that let alone say it. He’s talked about marrying me too. Does he say the same shit behind my back? Why talk about it at all? Or that he loves me whenever he’s down or needs support. When he’s feeling good I may as well not exist. It’s all manipulation and it’s a bit insulting that he thinks Im stupid enough not to register that’s what’s going on. Does he actually think I believe all that? Does he believe all that? Is that what addicts do?

On the upside, such as it is, Ive spent the last two weeks talking to colleges and universities about their Addictions counselling programs. All I need is 20K. Anyone want to loan me 20K?

Needless to say Im over it. Im tired of being a crash pad, even though I created that situation, and of paying all the bills with absolutely no help or offer of help. Im being used. At least I know that now. On the upside I stopped directly giving him money…because I no longer have any to give, but it still counts. I have told him he can stay here until he gets back on his feet and even cleared out a bedroom for him. Mostly because I hate him living in my living room and leaving his stuff all over the place. Now I hate cramming two bedrooms into one and living in what looks like a hoarder bedroom. Im not sure which option I hate more.

And everything changes yet again. I cant decide if this is an evolution and things will improve or if Im just digging myself deeper. I guess time will tell.

Not much has changed as far as the rest of my life. I got to hang out with my work crew for a couple drinks the other day and sort of realized how much time Ive spent locking myself down to someone who didnt even want ownership. Not sure why I do that. It’s something I definitely want to work on. If I thought New Years resolutions were a thing that would definitely be one. I missed my work peeps and had an absolute blast, laughing harder than I have in what feels like forever. I need to make sure I get out with people more.

I do have friends. A lot of them actually. Feels weird to say that given how much of this blog has been dedicated to loneliness and pity parties. I dont know why I get on these big pity party episodes or refuse to ask anyone for help for anything. That’s not a personality quirk and it’s not ok. I cant isolate myself and then complain that Im isolated. Like…WTF? I need to start actually investing in these people more than just a surface level. I need to start letting people in, if they want in. I need to figure out how to tell the difference.

Geezus I waited a long ass time into my life to try and sort this shit out. Hopefully I have enough time left to at least get it half ass right.

Legacy

Do you ever wonder how you’ll be remembered? Or if anyone will ever even think of you after you’re gone? What kind of mark you left on this rock spinning through the universe or impact you had on the parasites that infest it.

If you had any impact at all.

I like to think I was kind, and caring and that someone, somewhere will remember me as such.

I think, like everyone else, I just wanted to matter. I wanted to know this life wasn’t wasted just working and paying bills. I wanted to feel like I somehow altered something. That I made a difference to the energy of life. That I caused a ripple of good somehow.

I don’t know if I did. I suppose everyone views themselves through sort of rose coloured glasses, or beer goggles depending how you want to look at it. No one wants to think they’re shit or be remembered as such.

I produced four fantastic people. I didn’t raise them but they still carry a part of me and will pass that down. I hope they got the good parts. The strong, loving parts and they release those things into the world and that they are good and kind people.

It’s funny really. I got a stamp for all my books with my name on it. I love it. I love the fact that I know when I’m gone my books will carry on and provide an escape into other worlds and other lives for people. Or a source of learning and knowledge if you’re into that like I was. And my name will be stamped in the front of each book for its lifetime; through all the hands that hold it. I wonder if anyone will look at my name and wonder who I was and what I was like. If they’ll judge me by the book they’re reading and which way that judgement will go.

It’s funny to think about things like that. I imagine how crazy I must seem to someone just based on the random and entirely eclectic nature of the books I’ve collected.

Maybe they wouldn’t even be far off. Maybe I was crazy and random and eclectic. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

Shoulda taken the blue pill

I wish I’d taken the blue pill, there’s definitely something to be said about blissful ignorance. Two months ago I was happy. Blissfully so. I thought my life was finally going somewhere. I was out of debt and living with a guy I thought genuinely adored me. I was safe and content and enjoying life for the first time in a long time.

And then that all came crashing down. And every time I think maybe there’s some salvaging any of it life goes and crashes just a little bit more.

Last night I got the dreaded midnight text. I’d texted him at noon. He returned it at midnight. I assume after he’d exhausted all other potential people and I was, once again, the last one left. He wanted to get laid of course. Why else does a guy message a girl at midnight? Caught me off guard again since we haven’t even slept together in a solid month at least. Apparently I’ve fallen so far off that pedestal I’m now just a vagina to him too.

I cried.

That may have been the final bit of hurt I can take from this guy.

Despite all that I’m still wishing none of this had ever happened. That I didn’t know I was the last one left standing, or just a roommate he fucked occasionally, that he had so little real respect for me that disappearing with my car for a night seemed reasonable.

I wish I’d never fallen off that pedestal. Reality is far worse than the little fantasy Id built myself.

And reality is all I have now. I’m tired. I’m so frikkin tired of being torn apart and tossed away. My soul is tired. My heart is tired. I’m breaking. I don’t want to do this any more.

The worst part about all of this is I did it to myself. I created this little world where he was everything I thought I wanted and where I thought he felt the same. I decided to spend money I didn’t have to help him out. I literally did this to myself. It’s not the first time I’ve ignored all the flags. And I doubt it will be the last cuz apparently a high IQ does not a goddamn thing for me in the real world.

In other weird personality quirks (I’m trying not to insult myself anymore than I have to at this point so I’m calling them quirks) apparently I really want to hide when I’m feeling like this. I don’t want to talk to anyone right now. I’m even blah at work although everyone thinks I’m mad when really I’m just trying not to cry. I suppose that’s good. I’d rather appear mad than weak.

But it’s weakness for sure. I can feel it to my core and I don’t know if any amount of glue will fix the cracks now.

I’m so tired.

A look in the mirror

So it turns out maybe Im more social than I care to admit. Im unhappy with this lonely house thing. Im also anti-social and choose to withdraw from everyone and close ranks so there’s that.

And Ive spent all day trying to work out why I live in a perpetual paradox. Unhappy at both extremes, I seem to flip back and forth like a perpetual motion machine. Never really finding happiness at either end and physically unable to balance in the middle. When Im alone, Im lonely, when Im around people I want to be alone and need to regroup. I cant have it both ways, believe me I know that.
I just want to find happy. I want to know how to fully trust in that happiness. How to let all those guards down that brace for the worst and become self full filling prophecies Every. Single. Time.

There’s too much risk in that. Without risk there’s no reward. Ya, ya, I know, but I just cant make that leap. A lifetime of it never going right in any sort of social interaction has trained me just not to go there. Not to try anymore.

Even when I ‘try’ I dont really ever fully try. In hindsight I can always pick out my own faults and failures. Where I withdrew and stayed silent and guarded when I should have opened up or spoken up. I need to sort out how to fix that. Or if I even can fix that at this stage in my life or if it’s just another flaw I need to accept.

Is it really a lifetime of never going right? Ive had tons of friends. The fallouts and fade outs never really seem to come from them, for the most part, it’s me. Obviously there have been instances in my adult life where people have ditched me off for one reason or another. Usually reasons I think are totally asinine, or it’s a mutual parting of the ways, but the others? What the heck happened there?

Why dont I feel like I need to stay connected? Is that a product of a shit childhood or am I just looking for an excuse?

Comes back to that whole chameleon thing too. Im outwardly very friendly. Hell, Im a bartender by trade. I can flirt and engage with pretty much anyone but it’s all a show. Really, I picked the perfect career for an abandoned child that spent a lifetime trying to sell herself to anyone who might be interested.
Now I sell myself for tips.
And the temporary, surface level, relationships I create are perfect for someone who isnt willing to invest in anything else.

I want the real connection I just dont want to lose myself attaining it. Ive spent a lot of years putting myself back together. I dont know if the cracks will hold through too many more battles.

Do I even know what I real connection is? Would I even recognize it?

That’s the real question now isnt it. Lets assume, for shits and giggles, I miraculously meet someone who wants to truly connect. I already know I’ll sabotage it. Without knowing the person or the circumstances I know exactly what I’ll do. I’ll enjoy it, hell, I’ll revel in thinking someone actually likes me as a human and wants to be around me, until I feel like Im getting too close and then I’ll destroy it in some epic fashion.
Or I’ll just withdraw and fade away and they wont notice or care. And I’ll be all butt-hurt they didnt even notice I left which will just reinforce all my feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy and prove that no one actually wants me in their life. I just keep forcing my existence on people.

And the cycle repeats and repeats and repeats. Each time my defenses get a little thicker and a little harder to take down. After 46 yrs of this will they ever really come down or am I stuck living life like this.

On the upside, genetically, I should face cancer or a heart attack pretty much any day so maybe that life wont be as long as I think.
Then none of this nonsense will even matter.

I am the sword…

I am the sword that was sent to slay me.

Slightly bastardized from a meme I saw online today that struck a cord. It was originally “I became the sword that failed to slay me…” but the sword didnt fail. It never fails. I am my own worst enemy and worst weapon.

It’s Christmas. Yay. I spent it alone as I do every year and ate a plate of leftovers the neighbours left me yesterday. I still hate Christmas and this one was a doozy.

Now, I said this wasnt going to be about boy drama anymore, and it’s not but there needs to be some catching up I think.

The dragon got kicked out of my house. Probably long overdue by some estimations but it took him stealing my car and disappearing for 8 hrs with it to realize what the hell Id gotten myself into. At least I got the car back but my stress level that night nearly gave me a stroke. It felt like a jeep repeat all over again. Just thinking about it now and I can feel my blood pressure rising.

It hasnt been a good week.

I think most, if not all, of his stuff is out. I keep stumbling across odd socks and such but slowly all of that can get brought to his sisters. I dont expect to hear from him much, if at all. Im not useful to him anymore and he did say if he didnt live here I’d never see him, or at least that I’d see him no more than 2 days a week. He didnt lie about that. He didnt really lie about much of anything I just heard what I wanted to.

I dont know how I feel about that. Part of me accepts it, knows I deserve better and is already settling back into my normal lonely existence. Part of me already misses him being here and wants to lower myself to somehow convincing him Im worth having in his world. I wont, but Im fighting the urge.

If we’re being honest.

Now Im back to digging myself out of debt from supporting him for a couple months and alternating between taking the easy way out, packing all my shit and disappearing, and fighting with everything Ive got to get back to normalcy. Im not even sure which route I’ll take at this point.

I want to crawl under a rock and disappear. Not even over a boy for fucks sake but over my own disappointment at having gotten into the mess I got into even though I know better. I thought I was genuinely helping him overcome his demons. I felt useful and like I was actually accomplishing something and that my oversized intellect finally had a purpose but it was all bullshit. He put on a show for me and, when I wasnt around, tried to run his mother off the road in a rage. And then he stole my car and I plummeted off that pedestal I thought I was on and smashed face first back into reality.

That stung and got my hackles back up and put me on full self defense mode while I gathered all my shattered pieces and tried to stick them back in place. All those little lies I told myself about how I was somehow special faded like smoke. I have no doubt now that he’d hit me if he lost control. No doubt at all.

For some reason that literally breaks my heart.

So now I need to decide how to move forward. I finally have access to my craft room again but it’s too late for gnome season. I want to try and do some resin maybe, and get back to painting. Stay home and regroup and get back to all my lonely little hobbies that dont cost money so I can somehow salvage what’s left of my credit. After the initial crash I did what I always do when I hurt and considered suicide. I really dont know why I get so extreme. I dont have faith that I’d pull it off though and Im too embarrassed at the idea that if I fail everyone will know. At least this time that feeling only lasted a few hours, right after the rage settled and when the hurt was fresh.

In other news, not sure if I even spoke about this before, but a friend and I are working out how to buy a farm somewhere and I can finally get out of civilization and away from people. Ive been researching sheep as potential livestock. I like goats more but I think sheep are a more lucrative option. Also wondering how hard it would be to set up exotic/game birds. Apparently white peacock eggs sell for 180$ US a piece. He wants to do some kind of crop. I dont like the idea of being that weather dependent on anything. He’s only going to be there part of the year anyway so I’d imagine I can do whatever the hell I want when push comes to shove.

At least it’s something to look forward to.

Back to basics

This whole thing was supposed to be more about riddling out my childhood, dealing with the associated trauma and muddling through adulthood like the mostly inept badass I am.

Not some whiny teen girl diary about boys.

So let’s get back to the plan shall we?

Now it’s occurred to me that I never really break down my childhood. I hint at it here and there but never really line it all up and make it simple. Not understandable because why any child should go through half the shit I did is beyond understanding but at least I can list the stats for all to see.

So foster care started at 4 yrs old and finished at 17. Officially it’s 18 but I was on my own, in independent living (semi-supervised but on my own) a year early.

Trial adoption at 6 and 12. Raines adoption from 6-9 yrs old.

27 foster homes. 2 receiving homes, 1 youth shelter. 1 group home.

That’s 34 moves in 13 yrs for anyone who doesn’t want to do the math.

Add to that every kind of abuse there is and you end up with an adult with more issues than solutions.

Welcome to my head. Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle and, for the love of the gods, don’t touch anything.

So now we know why I’m such a mess and why I’m fighting so hard for some sort of normalcy.

And why I settle for any sort of approval or affection I can get. My little, broken, inner orphan girl just wants to be loved.

Well suck it up buttercup. It’s not gonna happen. Never has. Never will.

Bah Humbug

Is anyone else pretty much dreading this Christmas? I used to love Christmas. For years it was my favourite holiday. Then I basically stopped celebrating it. A couple years ago I bought myself a wee little tree and gave it a go again. I remember being marginally into it when I first got the tree and now Im over it all over again.

And this year I actually have people to buy for, not just pets.

Im not even sure how to get into it again. My whole life is such a mess that inserting a commercial holiday into it right now is kind of the icing on the cake. Great, now I get to cry AND spend money I dont have on people who may or may not even like me.

Please sir, may I buy some friendship?

Face meet palm. Maybe a little harder so the message gets through.

As far as everything covered in my last blog: he’s still here. I stewed about it for a week then I told him she had advised that I boot him out. We half talked about it. He said he had lots of places to go. I thought the convo was over then he woke up the next morning and the first thing out of his mouth was “Fine, I’ll be out by next week.”

A fight ensued. Probably our first one. He apologized. I left for work mad.

He apologized again via text while I was at work. From that I had a bit of a revelation. I took what he sent to be an apology for the fight. It was a bit unnecessary as he’d already apologized before I left. For some reason, part way through my day, I wondered if his “sorry” actually meant he was up to something else.

I half expected to come home to him gone. I wont say I was devastated at the thought but my heart definitely sank and I fretted about it for the rest of my shift and my entire drive home. Apparently Im not ready for him to leave.

Dammit. I wasnt supposed to get attached.

I should also add that it wasnt just a statement blurted out of nowhere. I was half avoiding her and he wondered why so I told him. I’d had a convo with another female friend over everything the other one had said and that friend basically said it was all drama and that I should ignore it and just let things unfold as they may.

Was the weirdest timing in the world that I had just decided to do that and he and I ended up in a fight over the whole thing anyway.

Why do chicks need to meddle in other peoples shit? But then…she’s still not totally wrong I dont think and all those seeds of doubt she planted are trying desperately to take root in my salty as hell head. I just dont know how to deal with it so Im doing what I always do and sticking my head in the sand and hoping it all just resolves itself without me losing my mind or getting hurt again.

Do grown ups know how to deal with all this? I feel like there’s an awful lot of reality shows with these sorts of themes so at least I dont feel totally like a dumbass.

Just mostly. Id say buckle up bitch but I dont feel like I ever actually take my seat belt off on this ridiculous roller coaster of life.

Safety first and all that….