Legacy

Do you ever wonder how you’ll be remembered? Or if anyone will ever even think of you after you’re gone? What kind of mark you left on this rock spinning through the universe or impact you had on the parasites that infest it.

If you had any impact at all.

I like to think I was kind, and caring and that someone, somewhere will remember me as such.

I think, like everyone else, I just wanted to matter. I wanted to know this life wasn’t wasted just working and paying bills. I wanted to feel like I somehow altered something. That I made a difference to the energy of life. That I caused a ripple of good somehow.

I don’t know if I did. I suppose everyone views themselves through sort of rose coloured glasses, or beer goggles depending how you want to look at it. No one wants to think they’re shit or be remembered as such.

I produced four fantastic people. I didn’t raise them but they still carry a part of me and will pass that down. I hope they got the good parts. The strong, loving parts and they release those things into the world and that they are good and kind people.

It’s funny really. I got a stamp for all my books with my name on it. I love it. I love the fact that I know when I’m gone my books will carry on and provide an escape into other worlds and other lives for people. Or a source of learning and knowledge if you’re into that like I was. And my name will be stamped in the front of each book for its lifetime; through all the hands that hold it. I wonder if anyone will look at my name and wonder who I was and what I was like. If they’ll judge me by the book they’re reading and which way that judgement will go.

It’s funny to think about things like that. I imagine how crazy I must seem to someone just based on the random and entirely eclectic nature of the books I’ve collected.

Maybe they wouldn’t even be far off. Maybe I was crazy and random and eclectic. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

Shoulda taken the blue pill

I wish I’d taken the blue pill, there’s definitely something to be said about blissful ignorance. Two months ago I was happy. Blissfully so. I thought my life was finally going somewhere. I was out of debt and living with a guy I thought genuinely adored me. I was safe and content and enjoying life for the first time in a long time.

And then that all came crashing down. And every time I think maybe there’s some salvaging any of it life goes and crashes just a little bit more.

Last night I got the dreaded midnight text. I’d texted him at noon. He returned it at midnight. I assume after he’d exhausted all other potential people and I was, once again, the last one left. He wanted to get laid of course. Why else does a guy message a girl at midnight? Caught me off guard again since we haven’t even slept together in a solid month at least. Apparently I’ve fallen so far off that pedestal I’m now just a vagina to him too.

I cried.

That may have been the final bit of hurt I can take from this guy.

Despite all that I’m still wishing none of this had ever happened. That I didn’t know I was the last one left standing, or just a roommate he fucked occasionally, that he had so little real respect for me that disappearing with my car for a night seemed reasonable.

I wish I’d never fallen off that pedestal. Reality is far worse than the little fantasy Id built myself.

And reality is all I have now. I’m tired. I’m so frikkin tired of being torn apart and tossed away. My soul is tired. My heart is tired. I’m breaking. I don’t want to do this any more.

The worst part about all of this is I did it to myself. I created this little world where he was everything I thought I wanted and where I thought he felt the same. I decided to spend money I didn’t have to help him out. I literally did this to myself. It’s not the first time I’ve ignored all the flags. And I doubt it will be the last cuz apparently a high IQ does not a goddamn thing for me in the real world.

In other weird personality quirks (I’m trying not to insult myself anymore than I have to at this point so I’m calling them quirks) apparently I really want to hide when I’m feeling like this. I don’t want to talk to anyone right now. I’m even blah at work although everyone thinks I’m mad when really I’m just trying not to cry. I suppose that’s good. I’d rather appear mad than weak.

But it’s weakness for sure. I can feel it to my core and I don’t know if any amount of glue will fix the cracks now.

I’m so tired.

A look in the mirror

So it turns out maybe Im more social than I care to admit. Im unhappy with this lonely house thing. Im also anti-social and choose to withdraw from everyone and close ranks so there’s that.

And Ive spent all day trying to work out why I live in a perpetual paradox. Unhappy at both extremes, I seem to flip back and forth like a perpetual motion machine. Never really finding happiness at either end and physically unable to balance in the middle. When Im alone, Im lonely, when Im around people I want to be alone and need to regroup. I cant have it both ways, believe me I know that.
I just want to find happy. I want to know how to fully trust in that happiness. How to let all those guards down that brace for the worst and become self full filling prophecies Every. Single. Time.

There’s too much risk in that. Without risk there’s no reward. Ya, ya, I know, but I just cant make that leap. A lifetime of it never going right in any sort of social interaction has trained me just not to go there. Not to try anymore.

Even when I ‘try’ I dont really ever fully try. In hindsight I can always pick out my own faults and failures. Where I withdrew and stayed silent and guarded when I should have opened up or spoken up. I need to sort out how to fix that. Or if I even can fix that at this stage in my life or if it’s just another flaw I need to accept.

Is it really a lifetime of never going right? Ive had tons of friends. The fallouts and fade outs never really seem to come from them, for the most part, it’s me. Obviously there have been instances in my adult life where people have ditched me off for one reason or another. Usually reasons I think are totally asinine, or it’s a mutual parting of the ways, but the others? What the heck happened there?

Why dont I feel like I need to stay connected? Is that a product of a shit childhood or am I just looking for an excuse?

Comes back to that whole chameleon thing too. Im outwardly very friendly. Hell, Im a bartender by trade. I can flirt and engage with pretty much anyone but it’s all a show. Really, I picked the perfect career for an abandoned child that spent a lifetime trying to sell herself to anyone who might be interested.
Now I sell myself for tips.
And the temporary, surface level, relationships I create are perfect for someone who isnt willing to invest in anything else.

I want the real connection I just dont want to lose myself attaining it. Ive spent a lot of years putting myself back together. I dont know if the cracks will hold through too many more battles.

Do I even know what I real connection is? Would I even recognize it?

That’s the real question now isnt it. Lets assume, for shits and giggles, I miraculously meet someone who wants to truly connect. I already know I’ll sabotage it. Without knowing the person or the circumstances I know exactly what I’ll do. I’ll enjoy it, hell, I’ll revel in thinking someone actually likes me as a human and wants to be around me, until I feel like Im getting too close and then I’ll destroy it in some epic fashion.
Or I’ll just withdraw and fade away and they wont notice or care. And I’ll be all butt-hurt they didnt even notice I left which will just reinforce all my feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy and prove that no one actually wants me in their life. I just keep forcing my existence on people.

And the cycle repeats and repeats and repeats. Each time my defenses get a little thicker and a little harder to take down. After 46 yrs of this will they ever really come down or am I stuck living life like this.

On the upside, genetically, I should face cancer or a heart attack pretty much any day so maybe that life wont be as long as I think.
Then none of this nonsense will even matter.

I am the sword…

I am the sword that was sent to slay me.

Slightly bastardized from a meme I saw online today that struck a cord. It was originally “I became the sword that failed to slay me…” but the sword didnt fail. It never fails. I am my own worst enemy and worst weapon.

It’s Christmas. Yay. I spent it alone as I do every year and ate a plate of leftovers the neighbours left me yesterday. I still hate Christmas and this one was a doozy.

Now, I said this wasnt going to be about boy drama anymore, and it’s not but there needs to be some catching up I think.

The dragon got kicked out of my house. Probably long overdue by some estimations but it took him stealing my car and disappearing for 8 hrs with it to realize what the hell Id gotten myself into. At least I got the car back but my stress level that night nearly gave me a stroke. It felt like a jeep repeat all over again. Just thinking about it now and I can feel my blood pressure rising.

It hasnt been a good week.

I think most, if not all, of his stuff is out. I keep stumbling across odd socks and such but slowly all of that can get brought to his sisters. I dont expect to hear from him much, if at all. Im not useful to him anymore and he did say if he didnt live here I’d never see him, or at least that I’d see him no more than 2 days a week. He didnt lie about that. He didnt really lie about much of anything I just heard what I wanted to.

I dont know how I feel about that. Part of me accepts it, knows I deserve better and is already settling back into my normal lonely existence. Part of me already misses him being here and wants to lower myself to somehow convincing him Im worth having in his world. I wont, but Im fighting the urge.

If we’re being honest.

Now Im back to digging myself out of debt from supporting him for a couple months and alternating between taking the easy way out, packing all my shit and disappearing, and fighting with everything Ive got to get back to normalcy. Im not even sure which route I’ll take at this point.

I want to crawl under a rock and disappear. Not even over a boy for fucks sake but over my own disappointment at having gotten into the mess I got into even though I know better. I thought I was genuinely helping him overcome his demons. I felt useful and like I was actually accomplishing something and that my oversized intellect finally had a purpose but it was all bullshit. He put on a show for me and, when I wasnt around, tried to run his mother off the road in a rage. And then he stole my car and I plummeted off that pedestal I thought I was on and smashed face first back into reality.

That stung and got my hackles back up and put me on full self defense mode while I gathered all my shattered pieces and tried to stick them back in place. All those little lies I told myself about how I was somehow special faded like smoke. I have no doubt now that he’d hit me if he lost control. No doubt at all.

For some reason that literally breaks my heart.

So now I need to decide how to move forward. I finally have access to my craft room again but it’s too late for gnome season. I want to try and do some resin maybe, and get back to painting. Stay home and regroup and get back to all my lonely little hobbies that dont cost money so I can somehow salvage what’s left of my credit. After the initial crash I did what I always do when I hurt and considered suicide. I really dont know why I get so extreme. I dont have faith that I’d pull it off though and Im too embarrassed at the idea that if I fail everyone will know. At least this time that feeling only lasted a few hours, right after the rage settled and when the hurt was fresh.

In other news, not sure if I even spoke about this before, but a friend and I are working out how to buy a farm somewhere and I can finally get out of civilization and away from people. Ive been researching sheep as potential livestock. I like goats more but I think sheep are a more lucrative option. Also wondering how hard it would be to set up exotic/game birds. Apparently white peacock eggs sell for 180$ US a piece. He wants to do some kind of crop. I dont like the idea of being that weather dependent on anything. He’s only going to be there part of the year anyway so I’d imagine I can do whatever the hell I want when push comes to shove.

At least it’s something to look forward to.

Back to basics

This whole thing was supposed to be more about riddling out my childhood, dealing with the associated trauma and muddling through adulthood like the mostly inept badass I am.

Not some whiny teen girl diary about boys.

So let’s get back to the plan shall we?

Now it’s occurred to me that I never really break down my childhood. I hint at it here and there but never really line it all up and make it simple. Not understandable because why any child should go through half the shit I did is beyond understanding but at least I can list the stats for all to see.

So foster care started at 4 yrs old and finished at 17. Officially it’s 18 but I was on my own, in independent living (semi-supervised but on my own) a year early.

Trial adoption at 6 and 12. Raines adoption from 6-9 yrs old.

27 foster homes. 2 receiving homes, 1 youth shelter. 1 group home.

That’s 34 moves in 13 yrs for anyone who doesn’t want to do the math.

Add to that every kind of abuse there is and you end up with an adult with more issues than solutions.

Welcome to my head. Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle and, for the love of the gods, don’t touch anything.

So now we know why I’m such a mess and why I’m fighting so hard for some sort of normalcy.

And why I settle for any sort of approval or affection I can get. My little, broken, inner orphan girl just wants to be loved.

Well suck it up buttercup. It’s not gonna happen. Never has. Never will.

Bah Humbug

Is anyone else pretty much dreading this Christmas? I used to love Christmas. For years it was my favourite holiday. Then I basically stopped celebrating it. A couple years ago I bought myself a wee little tree and gave it a go again. I remember being marginally into it when I first got the tree and now Im over it all over again.

And this year I actually have people to buy for, not just pets.

Im not even sure how to get into it again. My whole life is such a mess that inserting a commercial holiday into it right now is kind of the icing on the cake. Great, now I get to cry AND spend money I dont have on people who may or may not even like me.

Please sir, may I buy some friendship?

Face meet palm. Maybe a little harder so the message gets through.

As far as everything covered in my last blog: he’s still here. I stewed about it for a week then I told him she had advised that I boot him out. We half talked about it. He said he had lots of places to go. I thought the convo was over then he woke up the next morning and the first thing out of his mouth was “Fine, I’ll be out by next week.”

A fight ensued. Probably our first one. He apologized. I left for work mad.

He apologized again via text while I was at work. From that I had a bit of a revelation. I took what he sent to be an apology for the fight. It was a bit unnecessary as he’d already apologized before I left. For some reason, part way through my day, I wondered if his “sorry” actually meant he was up to something else.

I half expected to come home to him gone. I wont say I was devastated at the thought but my heart definitely sank and I fretted about it for the rest of my shift and my entire drive home. Apparently Im not ready for him to leave.

Dammit. I wasnt supposed to get attached.

I should also add that it wasnt just a statement blurted out of nowhere. I was half avoiding her and he wondered why so I told him. I’d had a convo with another female friend over everything the other one had said and that friend basically said it was all drama and that I should ignore it and just let things unfold as they may.

Was the weirdest timing in the world that I had just decided to do that and he and I ended up in a fight over the whole thing anyway.

Why do chicks need to meddle in other peoples shit? But then…she’s still not totally wrong I dont think and all those seeds of doubt she planted are trying desperately to take root in my salty as hell head. I just dont know how to deal with it so Im doing what I always do and sticking my head in the sand and hoping it all just resolves itself without me losing my mind or getting hurt again.

Do grown ups know how to deal with all this? I feel like there’s an awful lot of reality shows with these sorts of themes so at least I dont feel totally like a dumbass.

Just mostly. Id say buckle up bitch but I dont feel like I ever actually take my seat belt off on this ridiculous roller coaster of life.

Safety first and all that….

Unsolicited advice

So that chink in my armor, such as it was, may have been a good thing. I got to talking with a friend of mine who thinks, very strongly I might add, that I should cut him loose and carry on with my life.

She thinks hes only “with” me because he’s got no other options. He’s got no where else to go.

And Im realizing she’s not wrong.

That realization is changing everything again. For someone who hates change and limbo I sure spend a lot of my life in it.

I stewed on it for a day after our conversation and then, tonight, I just straight up asked him: “If you didnt live here would you still hang out with me?” First he said yes but not as much. Then he said probably 3-4 nights a week.

Then he said “who am I kidding, probably not even that much.”

Hmmm….

So now he’s asleep in my bed and Im awake at 2:30am sitting in my living room writing this in the dark pondering my next move. Wanting so badly to just be a choice Ive once again fallen into the option role. Hell, Im not even the option, Im the only one left.

So now what?

Well right out of the gate all those walls that went up after my last emotional outburst just got fortified. I think I’ll start sleeping on the couch, it’s more comfy anyway, and he’s got to find a place to live. ASAP.

Oddly Im kind of ok with it. I think taking a day to process my friend and I’s convo about it gave me a chance to fully absorb what was going on. I love having him here but I dont love him. I like him a lot but not enough to go through the shit he put me through last time again and I still dont believe this isnt a repeat.

The last time when he could have chosen me and didnt.

We’ll see how it pans out. In any event at least I feel ready and wont get blindsided again.

A chink in the armour

I cried the other night. Not only did I cry, the Dragon witnessed it. Hell, he pretty much caused it. To say that I’m mortified would be an understatement. How the heck did that happen you ask? Well I’ll tell you…

So he and I got to talking, I don’t even remember about what at this point but this blog came up and I ended up reading him whole posts that were about him. The immediate convo after was pretty much everything I wanted to hear, I cried, he cried, and it took me a second to get my shell back on and compose myself. In hindsight I think it’s just a master player playing a game but the little, broken soul in me wanted to believe every word.

I should have prefaced that with we were both high as hell and he’d been drinking all day so a lot of it was chemically induced I’m guessing.

Since then I’m struggling to get a bead on what’s happening. He’s decided I need to see the province and has taken me on epic road trips. At night so I can’t see much but it’s fun anyway. Im pretty sure what’s really happening is that everything that’s happened in his life has just started to process for him and he’s hiding it behind the long drives he needs to distract himself and I’m just sort of there. Part of me really hopes what he says is real.

Most of me knows better.

If he is just processing then it’s going to get rough for me. I thought I was prepared but now I’m not so sure. He’s going to try and get back with his ex. It’s what they do. It’s what they always do. I just keep letting myself get caught in the crossfire.

That gap in my armour let a lot more of him in and a lot more of me out than I think I’m fully prepared to deal with. It’s crazy to me that I find him safe. There’s no logic to it. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around it. It’s even more crazy that I’m willing to sacrifice basically my heart for that little bit of security.

I can’t even decide if that’s a fair trade.

Since my little emotional outburst suddenly he thinks we’re spending too much time together. He doesn’t want his baby momma to know I exist etc etc etc She’s a whole other issue that I’ve been warned about. He’s a collector. Every woman he’s been with he will not give up. I joke about it to him but it’s actually not that funny. I don’t want to be part of a collection. I don’t want to be another pretty ornament on a shelf to use when wanted and discard when not. Little things are slipping out here and there that just indicate I need to get ready so I’m trying to brace and insulate myself as much as I can. This is gonna hurt. A lot.

On the other hand putting all those walls back up, if there’s no reason, is just going to push him away. Am I imagining shadows or seeing fully formed issues that I’m trying to deny are there?

I’m so infuriatingly bad at this crap.

Tangled

Well hello there. Feels like it’s been an inordinate amount of time even though it’s really only been about a week. Lots has changed.

Lots. As usual my life is an out of control train barreling down the tracks at lightening speed just barely clinging to the rails.

I’ll try and cover it all but it’s a tangle to say the least so just mentally unravelling it enough to get it all out here is going to be a task and a half.

The dragon is living with me. For now. I dont think it’s a permanent situation but I wont complain if it is. I kinda like having someone around. My fitbit thinks Im sleeping something like 16hrs a day so apparently Im hella relaxed if nothing else. He and the dog have made friends so that’s nice.

Socially I think things might be even worse if that’s even possible although Im probably more ok with it by the day. Im kind of realizing that all of these people who have ditched me off never really factored in my life anyway. Having them gone hasnt really changed anything for me other than I know their gone.
Which, not gonna lie, still stings. These people were my friends, nearly my family, for over a decade, and like so many others in my past, just dropped me like garbage. History repeats. You’d think I’d be numb to it by now but Im not. It still stings like a mofo every time it happens despite happening pretty frikkin regularly. Maybe someday I’ll toughen up.
Maybe someday people will just stop throwing me away.

A girl can dream cant she?

So lets talk about how this arrangement occured. The dragon and his ex had a blow out. A blow out bad enough to result in a restraining order and all the goodies that go with that. At the same time he had to move out of his place. So he ended up here and that’s where things stand.

Post blow out his ex had the gall to come at me so that’s opened a whole new war. Really the timeline is: I got ready to bail. They had a blowout literally the same damn night. A week later she came at me, got shut down AND THEN decided to get a restraining order against him. A week after their actual fight and by fight he gave her ten stitches in the face…so ya.
But that’s all their drama. Not mine. I just ended up with a roommate out of the deal.

So, so far, Im winning lol We’ll see long that lasts. This is kind of what they do although I dont know if it’s ever gone this far before. I still think they’ll end up back together and when they do we all know where I’ll end up.
My masochistic self destructive streak still runs deep and fast.

So that’s where the chips all landed in the last week, it’ll be interesting to see how long they stay there.

Circling the dead

I feel like a vulture. That’s not really an emotional stance or one of my crazy-train lines of thought, Im literally circling a dead/dying relationship like a damn vulture.
And I just realized that’s what Im doing last night.

As we all know I do love me a good, solid reality check.

Im somewhat disgusted with myself and a whole lot disappointed. After all my internal pep talks about not settling and/or finally getting my life together Im literally picking at the scraps left by someone else. Realistically she’s not even gone and never really will be. This is just another of their temporary little separations. Their whole relationship is the most toxic high school shit Ive ever seen in my life but they both love it and refuse to give it up. And I know better than to think that will ever change. I got hooked into that bullshit back in March. Been there, done that and burned down that gift shop.
Or so I thought. Apparently I not as smart as I think I am.

I didnt think I could get more pathetic but here we are. Im settling for the brief 2 week interlude while the two of them are mad at each other and “not together” Im settling for being the back-up plan. If that’s not the story of my life I dont know what is.
In any event I woke up with a different brain inserted and am backpeddling out of that situationship as fast as my feet will take me.

In my defense he’s the Dragon Ive mentioned previously and we were/are just friends. Im pretty sure any attachment is all one sided and my own damn fault. Hell, he’s still even messaging her and talking about her and telling me about it for fucks sake.
I know better. Im smarter than that shit.
God dammit Mel pull your fucking head out of your ass.

Onward and upward! If I say it enough it’ll stick. Or so Im told.

In other news Im taking a trip to the island early next year. Im actually doing it this time. I need out of this godforsaken province and back to where people are actually normal and give a shit about something other than just themselves. Planning to put the feelers out for work and rentals which Ive heard are near impossible with pets. Im not giving up my pets. A friend on the island is also talking about buying a farm in Saskatchewan. If he does Ive offered to move there and rent it from him as he doesnt want to live in it full time. Id just need to sort out an income I think which is probably a lot harder than it sounds. Apparently I want out of this province badly enough to go just about anywhere else.

Im also working on another blog page but one of just essays. Time to work my brain out a bit as there’s so many topics I want to learn and study and I dont have an outlet currently so an essay blog seems fitting.

As far as the crazy Im not sure where I stand on that. I made it through a cycle without so much as a bad thought so I think that takes menopause off the table. Too bad, that would have been an easy fix. the rest all seems much more daunting.

Otherwise not much has changed. Apparently even less has changed than I’d hoped but Im working on that now. Cant change what I dont acknowledge. Right?