Metoo, Mentoo and the Mob

I think life, and society, operates on some sort of a pendulum; swinging constantly from one extreme to the other. I think we’re on a swing back to the patriarchy and I dont like it.

It’s taken me a good while to try to compose my thoughts on this because, like everything even a little controversial, I am full of thoughts and opinions and Im going to word-vomit them all here so brace yourself.

This blog post started a week ago as a statement on domestic violence brought on by the Amber Heard vs Johnny Depp trial. It was going to be about men finally being able to have a voice when they face the same victimization as women do and how pleased I am that the sexes are finally equaling out and then I had a conversation with a friend during which I realized he’s one of the most misogynistic people Ive ever spoken to. It took me a day to sit back and process everything he said and what it means for the future of women if his opinions are popularly held and how all of that affects my original view of men finally having a voice.

Like most of my arguments it started with a meme:

Now, for some backstory, the US is in the process of overturning Roe vs Wade. If you dont know what Roe vs Wade is then I’ll give you a brief summary: Basically it’s a 1973 Supreme Court ruling that gave women bodily autonomy and made abortion legal. The US Supreme Court just voted to overturn that ruling and remove those rights from the US constitution.

The US just made abortion illegal.

As a whole country.

In 2022.

And Canada, ever the eager little brother, has already responded by saying they’ll look into it once the Supreme Court here has been filled, which means Canada is considering doing the same.
All of that is bad enough to process but then I spent over an hour being told that women werent as driven as men, that they cant survive without them and that men built the whole world. Apparently women’s only value is looks and they only want men who are successful.
There were no other options. All of that is just plain historical fact. End of story.

As a full grown woman I was a bit taken aback to be told what I wanted and didnt want in a man. That I might survive lost in the woods but a man would do it better and that apparently we wouldnt even have buildings or civilization if it werent for men. That the man who believes Roe (vs Wade) is the reason why men cant work, have families or find mates, is correct. That basically women having opinions and rights is what is ruining modern society.

What really set this friend off was my statement that women no longer need men, we choose them. That’s just the plain truth.
We dont need men. We wont die without one. We can pay our bills etc all by ourselves. We no longer need someone to look after us like we did when we had no other options.

And, lets be clear, historically, there have been hella powerful women. Many equal to, if not more powerful than, men. It really wasnt until the industrial revolution that women became labelled the weaker sex without opinions and value, Basically 300 years ago. Back when black people were also too dumb to run their own lives and needed owners. Prior to that, historically, women were on par with their husbands. Running homesteads, homes, and businesses. And, interestingly, at the same time, in most of Europe, black people were actually people.

What was I saying about a pendulum?

Now I acknowledge fully that the sexes are different. That each has strengths and weaknesses and that they function better as a team. I fully believe that there are more male CEO’s because they gravitate towards those kinds of jobs and women don’t, generally. In the same way there are more female nurses and midwives because they gravitate towards those fields.
But 150 years ago a woman couldn’t be a doctor. She was flat out not allowed to attend that kind of school. And that’s not a historical precedent. Through most of history women have been the healers.

At some point a man decided women werent capable and women just went along with it. My conversation with my friend felt much like how that conversation might have gone way back in the day except there’s nothing on this planet that will convince me women now need men to survive.

Apparently that makes me sound bitter and like a “ho.” So be it. I’ll still be paying all my bills and cleaning my own house and cooking for myself and surviving just dandy until I find man worthy of occupying space in my universe. I will survive just fine, which is good because lord knows my men choices aren’t exactly stellar. If I had to wait for a man to save me or for one to be in my life for my life to be livable I’d surely die.

Going back to what this was originally about because I do think the two are related I do think it’s fantastic that men are learning they have a voice and people will listen.
I dont have any personal experience so can only use famous cases that I know of but it’s very related to whoever told women they were weak and useless without a man. That same idiot told men they’re super strong and had to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and if they faltered on that super strong image they werent real men.
Where does that leave men who are assaulted? Completely without a voice and dealing with that trauma in stoic silence. And that is patently unfair and traumatic and cruel to expect men to have no outlet and no salvation in such situations. These actors who are coming forward now with their stories and being believed and supported literally makes my heart leap for my species. They set the example for normal men to feel like they to have a voice and that they can get help.

I love that men can be people in the same way that women have a voice and opinions. I love, with all of my soul, that men and women can be themselves and feel and express those feelings and exist on a level playing field.
Or at least I thought they could.

I was so excited to think that I am alive while that pendulum is in the middle and we might have actually found equality.
But I dont know if that’s the case anymore. We’re swinging back to women being sequestered and controlled faster than we equaled out.

Men found a voice and used it to silence women again.

And we’re quickly heading into Handmaid’s tale territory. At least in Handmaid’s, Canada was a refuge, it looks like reality might not go the same way. Right at the peak of my elation that carpet got ripped out from under me.


Love is just a word between addict and manipulation

I saw a quote today that struck home:
Broken women know how to love but not who to love, broken men know who to love but not how to love
Now if combining those two isnt a recipe for a toxic disaster then I dont know what it. Sadly I think these sorts gravitate towards each other and, far from healing each other, they tear each other apart even more. My damaged little self sure likes the ones that do nothing but cause more damage. I damn near seek them out. I cant decide if Im taking them on as some sort of challenge or if my masochistic streak really runs so deep that I hope one day I’ll finally run out of fight.

Lots has changed yet again. I invited the dragon back New years eve, still craving just a hard reset where I could go back to blissful ignorance. It didnt work…obviously. Since then to say it’s been awkward and weird might be the understatement of the century. He barely talks to me aside from his brief stint in jail where he cried and professed his love. In person I barely get grunts. He got out of jail and went right back to the arrogant, entitled guy he was before he went in. I used to like that about him. I dont anymore. It used to be tempered with a sweet, cuddly, caring sort of guy. Now all I get is the asshole. He pretty much ignores my existence unless he needs something and spends all his time buried in his phone online gambling. He’s also back smoking meth. He thinks no one knows but everyone in this house can tell. So Ive done the only thing I know how and backpeddled the hell out of dodge and fortified every defense I have. My defenses have defenses at this point. I thought I stopped caring then I heard him on the phone to another female at 1 am using the same soft, sweet caring voice he used to use on me and my heart hurt a little. Sitting on my damn couch talking to some other chick. It stung a lot more than I wanted it to and then I got mad. Fucking mad! The nerve of this guy! At least he doesnt get tears out of me anymore. Ive toughened up at least that much. Thank goodness.

It’s weird to see the guy I was told he was before I ever really knew him slowly come to fruition. I remember his ex talking about them getting married and him denying he would ever even think that let alone say it. He’s talked about marrying me too. Does he say the same shit behind my back? Why talk about it at all? Or that he loves me whenever he’s down, coming off meth, or needs support. When he’s feeling good I may as well not exist. It’s all manipulation and it’s a bit insulting that he thinks Im stupid enough not to register that’s what’s going on. He’s telling me what he thinks I want to hear. Maybe once upon a time those were the words I wanted but not anymore. That time has passed. Now I know it’s all bullshit. Does he actually think I believe all that? Does he believe all that? Does he think I cant see what is going on? Is that what addicts do? Are they really so blind to their impact on those around them?

On the upside, such as it is, Ive spent the last two weeks talking to colleges and universities about their Addictions counselling programs. All I need is 20K. Anyone want to loan me 20K?

Needless to say Im over it. Im tired of being a crash pad, even though I created that situation, and of paying all the bills with absolutely no help or offer of help. Im being used. At least I know that now. On the upside I stopped directly giving him money…because I no longer have any to give, but it still counts. I have told him he can stay here until he gets back on his feet and even cleared out a bedroom for him. Mostly because I hate him living in my living room and leaving his stuff all over the place. Now I hate cramming two bedrooms into one and living in what looks like a hoarder bedroom. Im not sure which option I hate more.

And everything changes yet again. I cant decide if this is an evolution and things will improve or if Im just digging myself deeper. I guess time will tell.

Not much has changed as far as the rest of my life. I got to hang out with my work crew for a couple drinks the other day and sort of realized how much time Ive spent locking myself down to someone who didnt even want ownership, or only wanted it when it suited him. Not sure why I do that. It’s something I definitely want to work on. If I thought New Years resolutions were a thing that would definitely be one. I missed my work peeps and had an absolute blast, laughing harder than I have in what feels like forever. I need to make sure I get out with people more.

I do have friends. A lot of them actually. Feels weird to say that given how much of this blog has been dedicated to loneliness and pity parties. I dont know why I get on these big pity party episodes or refuse to ask anyone for help for anything. That’s not a personality quirk and it’s not ok. I cant isolate myself and then complain that Im isolated. Like…WTF? I need to start actually investing in these people more than just a surface level. I need to start letting people in, if they want in. I need to figure out how to tell the difference.

Geezus I waited a long ass time into my life to try and sort this shit out. Hopefully I have enough time left to at least get it half ass right.

Chasing dragons, burning knights.

It’s weird how some people just gravitate towards each other. And others repulse like magnets no matter how hard you try and force it.

Of the two guys I’ve tried to date this year. One was my typical bad boy choice, the dragon we’ll say, the other was the proverbial knight in shining armor. Both bailed in a pretty similar way. Both stung. Being me I was probably much more attached than I should have been. Throw a starving orphan a crust of bread and it’ll follow you anywhere. Not gonna lie, being that orphan is a little exhausting.

I thought I was more attached to the Knight. Apparently I wasn’t. Never shed a tear for that guy and have hardly thought of him since he disappeared without a word. Oddly I didn’t even fight for the closure I usually need so badly, I just kinda let it go. No fight, no fuss. It didn’t even matter. He went back to his ex I heard. More power to him.

Almost immediately, within weeks, I’m back at the dragons house, just hanging out, friends. He needed someone to talk to and I missed that secure, safe feeling I always had with him. And we are just friends. I don’t think it will go farther. I was pretty hurt the last time and I don’t think I’m quite that self destructive to put myself through that again but I guess we’ll see.

In any event I’m not writing for that anyway. The whole thing has got me wondering how I actually process things and what I actually need from someone, if anything, and what I’m willing to give of myself, if anything. Really I’m trying to sort out what the hell is going on in this mess of a head of mine. And how to fix it, if needed. That’s pretty much been the theme of this entire blog. It’s easier to muddle through when I have to write it down. And it’s cathartic. I don’t have people I tell my deepest, darkest secrets.

But I do write them down for all the world to see. Go figure.

Anyway, apparently steady employment, maturity and just generally being a mostly together, super sweet guy doesn’t do it for me. Not when it’s tempered with a lot of drinking and that never, EVER-knowing-where-I-stand feeling.

But if you’re a borderline criminal with anger management issues, a heavy player streak, and a bit of a mess I’m all in, as long as I know where I stand and you’re willing to pretty much constantly reassure me. Constantly.

Being abandoned repeatedly as a child sure took a toll on my adult psyche. Like holy hell I can’t even catch myself and talk myself out of that one like I can most of the rest of my neurosis. I can’t even start trying to train myself out of it. I still run into the same problem over and over. The dragon, for all his flaws, doesn’t lie to me, and constantly tries to make me feel ok even though, right now, that’s not even his problem, he still tries.

The knight forgot I even existed unless he was drunk. Fortunately that was pretty much all the time. And when I asked for reassurance I was met with annoyance that I would even bother to ask.

Realistically I shouldn’t need that constant reassurance. Nor should I crave it so much it over-rules a whole pile of red flags. But I do. I don’t even begin to engage or open up until I feel even a modicum of safety. No one gets all of me except the people who probably shouldn’t.

And so the cycle becomes self fulfilling.

See, I can riddle it out.

Be damned if I have the faintest idea how to fix it though.

Calculated Risks

So Ive been obsessing, as I tend to do, trying to figure out exactly what Im doing wrong in terms of this whole dating thing. That’s twice in a single year Ive tried and failed miserably in the attempt to form any sort of connection with someone. The common denominator is me so I assume that’s where the problem lies and I haven’t the foggiest idea exactly where it’s all going wrong so haven’t any idea how to begin to fix it.

And it’s driving me a little bit crazy.

Guy number one: did all the right things, said all the right things, tried really hard to quell my anxiety, made me feel so wanted and pretty and like he was really in it then, pretty frikking abruptly, went back to his ex. Tried to make me his side chick but I wasnt willing to play that game. My dog hated him anyway.

Guy number 2: seemed pretty cool, got frustrated with my anxiety and quickly turned into only wanting to interact with me when he was drunk. When I pointed that out he basically said “whatever” and I havent talked to him since. I think the indifference bothers me more than anything. I tried really hard to believe the words that never quite matched the actions. I dont think I ever totally let my guard down. He never seemed fully in it but the dog loved him so there’s that. Ive heard he went back to his ex too.

Maybe Im just the girl that makes you realize your ex isnt all that bad? Which means Im something awful.

Definitely possible. I certainly have abandonment issues, anxiety issues, and trouble connecting to anything human. At least Ive dealt with the intimacy problems I just despise being a sex object. But then I went and called in the almighty Himself already just to have a back up. I still have needs and if that itch doesnt get scratched I eventually get murderous. So apparently you can be my sex object but I can’t be yours.

So here I am, at midnight on tuesday night, trying to puzzle out exactly where it all went sideways. Wondering if I shouldnt just settle for side chick with guy number 1 and hating that Im even considering it. Really angry that guy number 2 could just drop me like I was nothing, without so much as a goodbye. Like I wasnt even worth the effort once I refused to show up just so he could get off.

Comes back to the whole only being a sex object thing Ive literally been fighting my whole life. I am so much more than just a vagina. I just dont know why no one else can see it.

I really need to work on my screening process. Seeing a synopsis in writing neither one of these guys should have gotten past a hello and they both did. Two bad choices that have since left me doubting my own worth yet again and that reinforced all my own doubts and insecurities.

It really feels like I’m just digging my self deeper into that pit of worthlessness every time I try rather than getting it together and creating a better life.

At what point do I just give up completely?

Fuckboi’s and failure

Lets talk about my man choices for a minute as I seem to be a little stuck on this right now given my recent bought of nonsense with Mike.

Ive never made good choices. Save one and I even let him go.
Going back to what amounts to the beginning of my dating life my first love was, well, probably the same as every other teen love turns out. I was 18, he was slightly younger. We were both excessively young but he gave me my oldest daughter then promptly dropped off the planet.
It happens. He has since found me, twenty years later, to tell me I was the one that got away.
Meh, whatever.
My next serious relationship is the one big regret I have in my life. He was amazing. Adopted my daughter, fathered my oldest son. All around just an amazing man and human being. I, on the other hand had somehow regressed into this mess of a pre-teen and was back in therapy trying to figure out how to interact like an adult with anyone. Especially him but at the time I would have settled on being able to go to the grocery store like and adult. We were together seven years before my ‘get em before they get me’ kicked in and I bailed for no other reason than it seemed like time.
I promptly hooked up with the first guy who paid the slightest bit of attention to me. The ink on the divorce papers was barely dry and we were living together, a few months later I was pregnant and now stuck in a situation that wasn’t all that great but I was in it now. A couple years later a son followed.  That lasted another nearly seven years and I bailed on him too. No real reason that I can remember other than I was just done.
Both men have since remarried, had more kids and are raising the ones we produced together. They’re both great dads with huge and amazing families for support and their new wives are everything I would never have been.

I tried very hard to be the Betty Crocker wife I was expected to be but it just never seemed to fit. I was restless and felt trapped.
After the last divorce I moved a province away and regressed to the party girl. I revelled in the freedom, drank, partied, dabbled in drugs for the first time in my life and basically was somehow an 18 yr old trapped in a 30 yr olds body.
A string of temporary attachments followed. A few months each. Nothing to write home about or even mention at any length here. It was also during this time that I first encountered Mike who would remain a huge fixture in my life for the next 6 yrs.
In hind sight I should have run. Could I do it all over again I would avoid him like the toxic plague he turned out to be.
I have never been able to figure out exactly what the draw is with Mike. He’s more screwed up than I am and completely in denial whereas I accept that Im a bit of a mess. He’s an alcoholic that alternates between being the sweetest guy Ive ever met to the most hostile and incredibly hurtful and mean. I used to think I was always hoping I would get to hang out with the nice guy and just had to tolerate the asshole until the nice guy showed up again. His other go-to move was is to ghost out of my life without so much as a backward glance then reappear and blame me for the disappearance. Basically repeat my entire childhood on a smaller scale. Now I think Im just a sucker for punishment but for years I struggled to just be good enough for this guy who has never really been good enough for me. Even the nice guy wasn’t much of a catch by anyone’s standards but somehow always managed to make me feel needed.
Who doesn’t want to be needed?
Of course that was tempered with huge doses of self doubt, inadequacy and just general self loathing but hey, he wanted me! Right?
Dr Phil comes to mind, “You couldn’t be any stupider if we cut your head off.”
Oh I know. Believe me I know. Ive mentioned that Im a train wreck in progress right?
Slowly Im extricating myself. It’s like a weaning process. The meaner he is the less his next suck up routine works. Slowly but surely he just doesn’t matter anymore.
My choices outside of him aren’t exactly peachy either. The last guy I hung out with is the one who destroyed my jeep and exploded my whole life. Then laughed about it.
I joke that Im going to give up on the male species altogether. I say it all the time actually but I don’t think it’ll every really be true. Somewhere the little girl in me just wants someone to want me.  I think that’s why I struggle so much. On some level I never really gave up even though I should have. Even though I should.